Chapter 17, "Suspense (or: Wait, Maybe This Story Is About To Get Interesting)"
The ride home in Xlormp's spaceship didn't seem to take as long as the ride to Zmeephish-Q. I wondered if it was because of some crazy space technology, or just because of my expectations.
"Okay, Frig, here's the deal," Xlormp began cautiously, "I'm going to drop you in your dwelling unit and you are going to ready yourself to cheer for me in Space Foosball."
"Cheer?" I haughtily assuaged. "I thought I would be playing!"
Xlormp chortled a hearty alien chortle. "Dear me, Frig, that might actually make the game interesting! No, Space Foosball is only played by aliens. I apologize."
Sadness settling deep in my heart, I nodded and grimaced.
"Why can't you be by my side at every moment between now and the game?" I pondered knowingly.
"Because, gentle Frig, I have secret alien preparations to make. And also it would be weird if I was with you all the time."
I wanted to beat him forcefully with something heavy, and tell him that it would not be weird, in fact, it would be the most amazing thing. But alas, there was nothing heavy readily available in the space ship.
When we hovered over my home, Xlormp did not bother with the teleportation beam and just shoved me out the door. It's a lucky thing he was pretty close to the ground, so it didn't hurt too bad.
"What ho, pip pip jolly roger, Frig?" Lou waved at me. He was sitting on a lawn chair in the front lawn, Larry the parrot on his shoulder and a fishing rod in his hands. "Just picking up a bit of dinner for us, eh?"
I stood up and wiped some grass off my butt. "You can't fish in dirt, Lou," I explained tenderly.
Lou went "Pfffft" and waved his hand about willy-nilly.
"Hi, Frig!" It was only when I heard the voice that I realized someone else was stupidly front-lawn-fishing with Lou. That someone was someone I didn't really want to see. That someone was Hector.
"What are you doing here?" I warbled. "Don't you have your own house or something?"
Hector grinned idiotically. "Sure I do! It's just that Lou was nice enough to let me fish with him. Also, I came by to see why you haven't been in school."
I paused. "School?"
"You know, that place that you go to where you learn things, theoretically? Everyone's been asking about you, especially Christopher. She's ready to send out a search party for you."
School. Everyone. Learn. These words seemed so plebeian after spending time with Xlormp and his spaceship.
"Party for you! Party for you! Squawk!"
"Lou, seriously, you can ditch the parrot any time," I mumbled, dodging Hector's question with alarming swiftness.
"We've also noticed that Xlormp has been out of school, too," Hector suggested obnoxiously.
"Listen, Hector," I screeched, "Maybe I was out sick with rabies or something, people get sick sometimes, it's not that weird or a big deal. Sheesh." I snatched his fishing utensil out of his hands. "That's my fishing pole, thanks," I stormed into the house, yelling expletives.
Hector followed me, because he is an annoying, jerky jerkface.
"I know you're dating Xlormp, Frig. He's probably seduced you into fondling him by now, and you should know that it's really dangerous to copulate with space aliens."
Despite the fact that Hector's advice was sound and logical, taking it would involve me not fondling Xlormp, and if I had to choose between fondling Xlormp and staying healthy and in one piece, I think the choice was pretty obvious. I folded my arms in front of my chest and grumped my best grump.
"You can tell everyone at school that I'll be back when I'm ready to be back," I said, "And you can tell yourself to keep your stupid, whiny nose out of my business."
Lou raced into the room, brandishing our neighbor's lawn flamingo. "Behold, Frig!" he shouted. "I've caught a cunning sea bass! We shall feast like kings tonight!"
"Actually, Lou, I've got plans tonight."
Lou's face fell. "Stinkie-head," he mumbled under his breath.
"I HEARD THAT," I shouted, and Lou stuck his tongue out at me as he sulked in the corner.
"Well, Frig, I can see that reasoning with you is useless," Hector spake unto me.
"Damn skippy," I shunted.
"I hope you don't die horribly," he mentioned, patting me on the shoulder.
"You too," I responded.
Finally, Nosy McNoserson left, leaving me to contemplate what I would do with myself until Xlormp arrived to pick me up for the foosball game.
** ** **
It turns out the stuff I chose to do was not interesting enough, because it seemed like a million qwixles before I heard the rumbling of Xlormp's spaceship again.
But hear it I did, and then in an instant I was back on board. My first instinct was to give Xlormp a huge hug and a sloppy, slimy kiss, but I noticed he was dressed oddly.
It was odd that he was dressed at all. But what he wore was pretty intense: An entire ninja costume, a football helmet (in purple), boxing gloves, and a tutu.
"What the hell, Xlormpykins?" I ventriculated.
"This is my Space Foosball gear. You would do well to contain your Earth laughter."
I did my best, but I think I still let loose a snort or two. Or three.
Xlormp's anger at my amusement kept conversation at a minimum (mostly because every time I opened my mouth, a guffaw escaped), and finally, we were back on Zmeephish-Q. This time, we weren't going to the same place as before. We approached a huge building, with lots of flashing lights, some of them were blue, and also it had huge stadium seating and greatly resembled a football stadium. Flashing above the stadium were the words "66TH ANNUAL SPACE ALIEN FOOSBALL DEATH MATCH!!!! ENTER WITH CAUTION"
"You will sit in the designated girl-slave area," he beseeched. "Take this." He handed me a ticket that somehow was crafted entirely of slime.
Inside the Foosball stadium, it was very confusing. Immediately upon entry, my ticket was snatched up and I got teleported to a seat. I nervously perused the tons of creepy girl-slaves sitting around me, all of them humming with a disturbing intensity.
I hazarded some casual conversation. "So, uh, aliens sure are sexy, huh?"
But the girl-slave I addressed merely drooled a little, and beeped a few times.
I nodded. I found it best to not reply.
As I waited (somewhat impatiently, after all, I thought I would get to be right by Xlormp's side, and here I was sitting in this giant stadium next to these scary girls that were wigging me the crap out and this wasn't how I saw our relationship going down and maybe I should ask for a do-over), I wondered what made Space Foosball different from Earth foosball.
Finally, a big announcement was announcing announcements about the game starting, and as I leaned over into the giant, gaping abyss that was the foosball field, I saw...
...one foosball table. One normal, Earth-sized foosball table.
"That's retarded," I sputtered to myself.
I watched as the first two aliens (neither of which were Xlormp) approached the table, both decked out in costumes equally as ridiculous as my Honeyslime's. I'd describe them to you, but I don't feel like it.
Play commenced. Aside from a lot of yelling from the announcer and the crowd, it looked like a normal, boring game of foosball.
"THIS IS RIDICULOUS!" I shouted to myself, but nobody heard me, because they were all too enthused by the stupid game.
Suddenly, a whirring, alarmish sounding noise rang through the stadium, and everyone got really worried because of it.
"What's going on?" I wondered curiously.
But my question was answered by the next announcer's announcement: "Attention everybody, this is an announcement. We will have to call the game short.
"The tallybonkers are invading."
Catch up with the chapters you may have missed somehow!