Chapter 16, "The Most Boring Story I've Ever Freaking Heard"
I didn't know aliens had noses. Really, I don't think they do, I think Mr. Leader just pulled some fancy alien fakery to make it look like there was nose blowing going on. I'm not sure why he felt the need for all the theatrics, it's not like there was any point in taking a break in our conversation.
Mr. Leader clapped his tentacled appendages and somewhere from the sky, a manila space folder appeared from the heavens. "This is the other reason you were summoned, Xlormp."
"Oh, no..." Xlormp prevaricated. I had no idea what was happening, but from the look on Xlormp's face, my guess was something not 100% awesome.
"That's right, everyone," Mr. Leader continued, "It's time again for my annual needless recitation of my life story."
One of the other aliens groaned. "We know your life story already, Qzrudle!" His girl-slave groaned too, but I bet she didn't really know why she was groaning.
"Silence, Bartleby! There is no need for your space cheek."
Mr. Leader (who I guess was named Qzrudle, but that was too hard to pronounce so I decided to just stick with "Mr. Leader") cautiously opened his manila space folder and cleared his alien air passage.
"This is the story of my life. I was born on a small farm on an island off the coast of Quaxamachie. You could say we lived a quaint life, Ma with her plasma wrangling vocation and dad all the time at the quarry, mining for plutonium."
I yawned. This was really boring. I wanted to go back home to my room and stare at Xlormp some more, but it looked like we were stuck here, listening to this stupid yammering.
"It wasn't until I was but five qwixles old that I first heard of plotting to destroy human kind, but I took to it like a salad takes to croutons."
I leaned over and whispered to Xlormp. "Why is he telling us all this?"
Xlormp rolled some of his eyes and grew a new appendage. "It's his way of feeling important. See, he doesn't actually do anything, he's just the leader. But telling us all his life story makes him feel like he's useful or something."
I nodded. "Oh."
"Is there a problem, Xlormp?" Mr. Leader announced, stopping his diatribe mid-really boring part.
"Nope," Xlormp accurately stated.
"I would hate to think that you are whispering to your girl-slave, that in fact your girl-slave is not a girl-slave at all but rather a human earthling with thoughts and feelings."
Xlormp shook his head. "Not at all, sir, no thoughts or feelings in this girl-slave," and he knocked a sweetly slimy flipper against my empty skull.
"Good, then I shall continue. Where was I...ah yes...they say no man can tame a wild buffalo, but I would have to disagree, especially if that man is carrying a rocket launcher..."
I glanced around the room to see if the other aliens were as bored to crap as I was. It looked like they were. A buzzing in my ear caught my attention, and I turned to see a fly sitting on my shoulder. Hmm. A space fly. I wondered if it had any crazy space powers that earth flies didn't have. So far, it had the power of being super annoying, I knew that much.
Oh, to be out of this retarded info dump and back in my cardboard box, caressing Xlormp's scales! I loved him so much it hurt, which might be a physical malady of some kind, and I made a mental note to check with a doctor when we got back to Earth.
"And sometimes, we would go fishing, but not every day. Some days we would bake casserole instead."
God, I just wanted to stab my eyes out with a fork! Possibly even with a series of colored toothpicks. This was just...so...pointless.
"So from that day on, I knew my life would never be the same."
I was shaken out of contemplating various forms of eye suicide by a sudden applause from the other creatures around me. Could it be that Mr. Leader had finally finished his story? I applauded too, lest he think I was not in fact a girl-slave (which I wasn't, just in case you weren't keeping up).
"And now, if there are no further inquiries into my exciting life, it is time to pick teams for our annual game of foosball!"
There was a vague "hooray" from the surrounding space aliens.
"Girl-slaves are welcome to cheer on the sidelines, provided they do not possess free will and are actually enslaved to their alien masters."
The other girl-slaves hummed in accordance, and I did so as well, which was pretty strange for me because I'm not much of a hummer.
As the team selections took place and the other aliens seemed occupied, I confided my heart's deepest inquiries to Xlormp. "Babyfacekins, I didn't know we were going to be playing games."
"Don't worry, Frig, once the teams are picked, we'll have a few hours to go home and prepare." In my head I attached "and make sweet, slimy love" to the end of his sentence.
"Why do aliens play foosball anyway?" I asked of my love monkey.
Xlormp inhaled. "It breaks the monotony of world domination."
Mr. Leader went around tapping aliens and girl-slaves with a stick labelled "Team Picking Stick". After a few minutes, everyone seemed at least vaguely content with their team members.
"Okay, everyone!" Mr. Leader hollered. "You have three hours to make ready yourselves for the three-hundred and sixty-sixth annual Space Alien Foosball DEATH MATCH. I'll be waiting. DISPERSE!!"
We dispersed as instructed.
Catch up with the chapters you may have missed somehow!