Chapter 15, "An Invitation from Zmeephish-Q"
I woke up automatically, glancing out the window to check if there was weather today. Of course there was, but it didn't bother me as much as usual. How could it bother me, when my green, slithery soul mate lay sleeping on my arm?
I glanced around my room and noticed Xlormp had shed a few tentacles during our wild night. I didn't know he could do that. It startled me, how okay I was with it.
I turned to look at him, snoozing away peacefully. Or maybe he was just in some sort of weird stasis mode. I wasn't sure if aliens slept or not.
Xlormp made a strange, space alien noise and shifted in his sleep. I stared at him, at that green, slightly oozy perfection, and I sighed. Now, I know I'm not usually happy about things, or life in general? But I have to tell you something.
Xlormp is a friggen' genius when it comes to pleasuring a lady.
I sat up and noticed that we had gotten slime all over the sheets. Hmm, I thought to myself, I might have to wash those somehow. It's a shame one cannot craft washers and dryers out of cardboard.
I wondered if I should wake Xlormp. But he looked so adorable lying there, tentacles woven in and out of each other, antennae flopping lazily to the side as if completely spent. Mostly I just wanted to suck on them.
So I decided that was the thing to do. However, I had no sooner touched my lips to the flaccid appendage when a weird beeping noise caught my attention. It was going like this: "Beep, beep, beep." It was pretty annoying.
Xlormp sat straight up, nearly knocking me over, seeing as I was so close to his head.
"Frig!" He protested. "Do you hear that?"
"Yes," I affirmed.
"That beeping noise! Tell me you can hear it!"
"I can hear it?" I spoke lazily.
"It's a missive." Xlormp slithered out of bed, gathering appendages as he went. "From my family."
"The Winstons?" I sputtered, rubbing sleep and slime out of my eyes.
"No, not those inadequate excuses for living organisms. My real family."
The beeping stopped abruptly as a strange space cylinder appeared in his flipper.
"My alien family."
I shuddered for no reason, it's not like I was wigged out by aliens or anything. I mean, come on, if there's anyone on earth who shouldn't be wigged out by aliens, I'm it. I think I shuddered more because there wasn't any central heating in here, and it was kind of cold.
"What do they want?" I muttered stoically.
"They want...something," Xlormp stated obviously. He tapped a few spots on the cylinder and set it on the ground. It made a whirring noise, beeped a few more times and then spat out something that looked like a chihuahua made out of bacon. Xlormp's face crumpled into concern.
I was confused. "What...um...what do they want?"
Bending over in what I found to be a most provocative manner, Xlormp picked up the bacon chihuahua and assessed it with his assessors. "They want to meet my new girl-slave."
My ears perked up, or they would have, were they perkable. "Why, that would be me!"
He whirled on me, his face suddenly angry, un-amused and also pissed. "No, Frig, that is not you, remember? We had a deal."
I searched the annals of my memory banks, but could recall no "deal". Just hot, crazy tentacle sex.
My shoulders shook from where Xlormp had gripped them, and was now shaking them. "You are not bound to me. They will be able to tell."
I wanted to express concern, but all I could think about was how sweet and sensual the feeling of Xlormp's perfect flippers was on my bare skin. Do it some more, baby, I thought...
But he whirled away from me, off in alien angst land.
"If I don't go, however, they will know something is amiss. If I go without her, they will suspect treachery." He whirled again, and I noted he whirled with the utmost grace. "I will have to ask you to pretend you are my girl-slave," He quivered. "Can you attempt that?"
He stared deeply into my eyes, and I nodded, wondering how hard it could possibly be to pretend I had committed my entire life to serving Xlormp. I mean, really, I had done that. It's just Xlormp had some weird space morals keeping him from making it official.
"Okay, then it's settled. I'll teach you as much as I can on the ship. And Frig?"
"Yes, Sir Slimedaddy?"
"You better not screw this up."
** ** **
The ride in the space ship was long and boring. I thought we might never get to Xlormp's planet. I was learning all of this girl-slave information, and I would have remembered it better I wasn't imagining Xlormp licking my back.
But eventually, we passed a sign that said, "Now entering the atmosphere of Zmeephish-Q, enjoy your stay!"
I noticed as Xlormp maneuvered the ship into orbit around what I could only assume was his home, that his eyes were goggling more than usual. I patted him lovingly on his rightmost appendage. "You okay, sweetie?"
He yanked the appendage away. "You can't do that now, Frig. You're pretending to be my girl-slave."
"Right," I smiled, trying to act as girl-slavish as possible. I wasn't entirely sure what girl-slaves did, so pretending was hard.
Xlormp landed the ship with a gentle touch. If he had been landing it on a puppy, the tiny canine probably wouldn't even notice, that's how gently Xlormp landed.
In an instant, we beamed out of the ship and into a large, spacious, open, very big room. Inside that room were three other aliens that greatly resembled Xlormp, and three girls standing beside them. I deduced with my deduction skills that these were girl-slaves.
And then I stopped deducing and thought about getting all of these aliens in a big group thing with me and Xlormp.
"Xlormp, I see you are still functioning," one of them spoke from an orifice.
"Yes," Xlormp replied. "As are you."
"Introduce us," they said, and their girl-slaves nodded in creepy unison.
"Yes," the girl-slaves parroted, "Introduce us!"
Xlormp grasped my wrist firmly with his flipper and I tried not to explode. I don't know if I've mentioned it recently or not, but in case you forgot, if the most beautiful creature in the world were to compete in Olympic Prettiness with Xlormp? We would have to figure out if it's okay to give gold medals to intergalactic competitors.
Anyway, so my arm was now in the air, because Xlormp was holding it up there.
"This is my girl-slave, Frig. She greets you with her earthy presence."
I nodded happily, and then thought for a moment about the fact that I was on a friggen' other planet surrounded by friggen' aliens. What a weird turn my life had taken since moving to Spatulas.
Anyway, the aliens all nodded and the girl-slaves made a weird, simultaneous humming noise.
"She appears adequate," one alien sputtered. I assumed this was the leader alien, because he was wearing a hat that said "Mr. Leader". "You could have picked a more attractive girl-slave, though, Xlormp."
The other girl-slaves hummed weirdly again. What the hell did this thing mean, calling me unattractive? I don't know what earth girls he had been looking at recently, but I was the best looking chick in Spatulas, I knew that much.
But Mr. Leader kept yammering on. "So anyway, Xlormp, meeting your girl-slave was only part of the reason for calling you up here."
Xlormp chagrined. "Really?"
Mr. Leader also chagrined. "Yes."
Xlormp (in lieu of chagrining) crafted a poodle from thin air, named it Fluffy, then kicked it out the window into drifting space, never to be seen again. "Care to tell me what that other information is?"
"I will in a moment," Mr. Leader said bewilderingly, "But first, I have to blow my nose."
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