The Most Popular Book in the Whole World (xlormp) wrote,
The Most Popular Book in the Whole World

Chapter Thirteen, "Yet Another Disturbing Xlormp Feature"

The Most Popular Book in the Whole World

Chapter 13, "Yet Another Disturbing Xlormp Feature"

I opened my eyes, because I had closed them before we beamed, just so I could be extra surprised by what Xlormp was about to show me. Where would he take us? An exotic, other-wordly lagoon? A completely different planet? Boston?

It was, in fact, none of these things. We were still in Spatulas. I knew this, because we were in a bathroom at Learning Land.

"The men's bathroom?" I asked, kind of pissed at how completely unromantic this was. "You want to reveal your last secret in the men's bathroom?"

Xlormp eyed me tenderly. "I have to reveal my last secret in the men's bathroom," he said.

"Couldn't you have done this in the girl's bathroom? It's the weekend, no one's here, no one would know."

My alien love boat grimaced. "I would know. Now, wait here."

He slithered luxuriously into the closest stall, and I waited, feeling kind of dirty about being inside a men's room. I'd always wondered what they looked like, but never enough to go in one. In a way, you could say this was an alien experience for me. If you wanted to say that.

Xlormp sure was taking a long time. I wondered what the deal was. Maybe he was just relieving himself before he let me in on the big secret. Maybe he was -

"Okay, Frig," I heard his voice first, then he emerged from the stall. "Go look."


"In the stall."

I realized I hadn't heard a flush, and felt kind of like throwing up. I loved Xlormp, but love has its limits, you know?

"Are you serious?" I queried.

"As serious as a man who is very serious about something," he whispered patiently.

Wow, I thought, that is serious.

Hesitantly, I poked my head around the stall door...and gasped.

Rainbows. Hundreds of brilliant, colorful, glowing rainbows were shimmering in the toilet, spilling out onto the floor in a befuddling array of beauty. I couldn't stop staring.

"You understand now," Xlormp said sadly.

"You...crap rainbows?" I still wasn't sure I was seeing this right.

But Xlormp nodded. "Yes. And now you understand why I can never go to the bathroom in public."

I let this new information swirl around in my head, mixing with other thoughts like an oil spill in the vast ocean (of space?). It seemed weird...

"I'm pretty sure no human, unless they're Lou, goes to the bathroom in public," I said.

Xlormp guffawed and phlurunkled a bit, then flushed the toilet, obviously perturbed.

"You're not listening to me, Frig! This is very important!"

I felt bad immediately. Sure, Xlormp was dumb when it came to human things, but that didn't mean I could just ignore that he was showing me something meaningful, right?

"I'm sorry, pookie lovekins," I said.

"The thing is, Frig...I don't know if I can go through with the girl-slave ritual."

My chest felt like it had gotten stabbed with a thousand really sharp things. "What??" I protested haughtily. "But...I want to be your girl-slave!"

Xlormp took my face in two of his gentle flippers. "I know,'s just a way, you have befuddled me, Frig.

"You see, my alien people, we want little more than to rule as many planets as possible. You could say it is our driving force, our essence of being, our 'M.O.'. But there is a problem...

"We cannot do it alone. It's not because we are anything less than amazing world rulers, but it is because we do not know of the earth ritual, 'love'. It is not a word known to our alien brains. So instead, we sign the lives of girls we think are pretty over to us."

I wiped a tear away, difficult to do with these flippers in the way, but I just got a little slimy, that's all.

"I used to think that all I wanted to do was to destroy humanity from the inside out," Xlormp continued. "But now, I see that what I really want is to be with you while I'm destroying humanity from the inside out. I couldn't do that if you were my girl-slave."

I sighed patronizingly. "Oh, Xlormp, in my heart, I'm already your girl-slave!"

He tapped me on the nose soothingly. "That's cute, but also a lie. Only I can make you my girl-slave. And I say no. You have your whole boring, angst-ridden human life to lead, Frig, and I want to watch every agonizing second of it. Possibly from a tree outside your bedroom."

I grinned stupidly at him, my heart only mildly sad at the thought of not binding to him in a weird alien ritual.

"But you must know that you are the only human girl to know of my...excrement. And that is a secret I must humbly ask for you to keep to yourself."

He was just the sweetest thing. I nodded, indicating that I would utter to no one about the crap rainbows. Then, I rested my head on his torso, and I didn't even mind my face getting a little gooey, such was the depth of my affection.

I have no idea how long we stood there, because I didn't bother using the stopwatch feature on my watch. Probably it was, like, five minutes or something. But eventually, Xlormp pulled me off of him (which made sort of a weird "thhhhpwuh" noise) and said, "I think it is time I return you to your home base, beautiful earthling."

A blob of slime rolled off my face and hit the floor. I nodded.

Catch up with the chapters you may have missed somehow!

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