The Most Popular Book in the Whole World (xlormp) wrote,
The Most Popular Book in the Whole World

Chapter Thirty-Six, "Very Big Aliens"

The Most Incredible Work of Literature in the Entire Cosmos

Chapter 36, "Very Big Aliens"

The morning happened in the morning, as it so often does. But today was different. Today's morning meant something. Something important. Something...somethingish.

Xlormp and I awoke at exactly the same time, sitting bolt upright in bed, because we knew that now was the time to be awake. We knew it on account of the fact that Charlie emitted a high-pitched, very loud beeping noise in the hallway and there's no way anybody could possibly sleep through it at all. Even if they were a super sleeper, with super sleeping powers.

Xlormp and I groggily made ourselves ready for the day. I put on clothes, and he didn't, because he's an alien. I brushed my teeth, and he didn't, because he's an alien. He regrew some eyes, and I didn't, because I'm not an alien.

As I got dressed, I ran into the weird cube from The Place in the sock drawer. I put it in my pocket just in case it did anything important.

We all assembled ourselves in the living room, as per Wemjox's request, to greet the Blobbersons whenever they showed up. It had been decorated with perfectly selected flowers. A spread of the finest alien food money could buy stretched out on a table against the back wall. Lou had crafted a large banner that read “WELCOME BLOBBERSONS” and had hung it across the window. According to the itinerary, they were supposed to be here by 9 AM. Nobody said a word, because everybody was so friggen' tired. Tabitha yawned, and Klaxie patted her on the back as if to say, “It's okay, I'm tired, too.”

9 AM came and went. No Blobbersons. Wemjox checked their watch. It was a watch, I noticed, that they'd filched from Mr. Haberdash, because they certainly didn't come out of the womb with a watch on. I would have known.

They sighed. Deeply. Their deep sigh caused a vague wave of anxiety among everyone gathered in the living room.

At 9:23 AM, Jox leaned over to her brother and whispered, “Where are they?”

“Patience, sister,” Wem whispered back, assuringly. “They will be here. Have faith.”

Jox nodded, turning her focus back to the door, willing it to produce a knock.

More minutes passed. Everyone started shifting uncomfortably, whispering to their compatriots, and getting pretty bored. I know I was bored. I mean, S.P.I.T. didn't stay up all night working on our plan just to wait around in the living room for half an hour.

At 9:41, we heard a crash on the front lawn. Wemjox stood up, looking mildly concerned, and made their way to the door. They peeked out.

“Oh, heavens, I forgot how large the Blobbersons are,” Wem sighed. “We'll have to go outside to greet them, they won't fit in the house.”

“You mean, they won't even get to see the floral arrangements?” Klaxie cried shrilly.

“I'm afraid not, brother Klaxie,” Wem regretted soulfully.

We filed out the front door to greet the Blobbersons. A giant ship, probably the size of three football stadiums, sat smoldering in our front lawn. It had crushed quite a few trees during its landing. I heard Mr. Haberdash gasp in agony at the state of his foliage.

A giant alien I recognized as the leader of the Blobbersons (although I couldn't remember his name) exited the ship and approached us. Wemjox extended a hand for them to shake.

“Hello! I am Wemjox! We're so glad to have you!”

The Blobberson leader shook Wemjox's hand, although it kind of looked like he was grabbing Wem's arm to rip it off, since he was so big and they were so not big.

“Hey, sorry about the whole ship crashing thing! Apparently we don't have the proper thrusters to stay aloft in your atmosphere. Good thing we got our coordinates right. I'm Stu, by the way.”

Oh, yeah. His name was Stu.

“Well, Stu, it's fantastic of you to come. We have food inside, I could send Tabitha to bring you some if you're hungry?”

Tabitha perked up at the chance to perform a task for Wemjox.

“Nah, I'm good,” Stu said, waving the offer for food off dismissively. Other Blobbersons began to pile out of the spaceship. I noticed Lou watching them intently, hoping to see his pets, but they were nowhere to be found.

According to the itinerary, we were now supposed to entertain the Blobbersons with a number of amusing party games and delicious snacks, to make them feel welcome and comfortable before broaching the subject of trade. But the Blobbersons didn't seem in the mood to follow any itinerary, because Stu clapped his hand together and said, “So, we should get this trade underway, huh?”

Christopher shot me a knowing glance. I shot one back to her. Xlormp squeezed my arm with his flipper.

Wem furrowed his brow, clearly upset that things were not going according to plan. “Um, sure, I mean, of course. As you know, we can't begin the trade until we have seen that you do, in fact, have the goods in question.”

I saw Lou flinch at the reference to his pets as “goods”.

“Of course, of course,” Stu said, turning to the Blobbersons who had lined up behind him. “Katie, will you bring the captives forward?”

She nodded, disappearing back onto the gargantuan spaceship. Wem continued to talk.

“As you can see, we have the human Friggen' Gorgeous here, as per our previous discussions. You are welcome to take her and inspect her for girl-slave transformation, and do with her as you wish if she does not live up to your expectations.”

Christopher, Jessica and I all watched intently. The moment approached, the one where we would implement our plan, but we didn't want to jump in too soon.

Stu nodded, glancing in my direction and waving. “She's a pretty good looking human, isn't she?” he said to Wemjox. Xlormp clamped down even harder on my arm. Wemjox pulled a face, clearly displeased at having to think of their mommy dearest as a “good looking human”.

Katie emerged from the ship, holding a cage with a squawking parrot, a frantic monkey, and a skittering ferret. I hadn't realized until this moment how much I'd missed them. I glanced at Lou, who had tears in his eyes, gazing at his friends.

“Well, here they are,” Stu said. “Should we get started?”

I looked at Christopher, and she nodded. This was the right moment.

Christopher cleared her throat and said, “I object.”

Chapters are good for your health!

Guys, after this week, only three chapters remain. That means, by the end of next week, this book will be over. You can cope with this pain by forming local support groups, attending seminars, and by bidding on my copy of Breaking Dawn.

In the meantime, I can promise you that this is not the last you have heard from me. Oh, no. I have other things I have written that I would like to foist upon you sometime in the near future. How near? I have no idea. But I will be sure to let you know.

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