The Most Popular Book in the Whole World (xlormp) wrote,
The Most Popular Book in the Whole World

Chapter Thirty-Five, "The Day Before the Thing"

The Most Incredible Work of Literature in the Entire Cosmos

Chapter 35, "The Day Before the Thing"

One day to go. The Blobbersons were arriving in exactly twenty-four hours. I knew this, because Wemjox sent Charlie trumpeting around the house to make sure everyone knew.

“THE BLOBBERSONS SHALL ARRIVE IN EXACTLY TWENTY-FOUR HOURS,” his robotic voice rang from the halls. It woke me and Xlormp up. And Xlormp's kind of pissy if he gets woken up against his will.

“Argh,” he arghed, “I am kind of pissy at Charlie right now.”

“For waking you up?” I sympathized.

“Correct, my most delightful Frigopolis. And for his indiscretion, he shall feel the wrath of my eye lasers.”

I rolled my eyes (which don't have lasers) and said, “Oh, my sweet alien face, you don't want to do that. You're too sleepy.”

He looked at me, eyes wide and full of goggle. “Why Frig, you are absolutely correct about that! How did you know?”

“I am your wife AND your girl-slave. It is my job to know.”

He then proceeded to cover me in his slime in ways most intrusive and intriguing. It was another two hours or so before we actually got out of bed to bother with our Wemjoxly orders.

We'd all been called into his “chambers” again. For a meeting. A very important meeting. Klaxie gazed blissfully upon the children he'd pretty much claimed as his. Well, he could keep them, and good riddance. I was perfectly happy having no credit whatsoever for their existence.

Tabitha and Lexington skittered around making sure everything was absolutely to their deranged master's liking. Jessica and Christopher sat quietly in a corner, probably hoping Wemjox would just entirely forget they were present at all. Mr. Haberdash and Lou took positions seated near the front, while Xlormp and I sat off to the side. The entire robot army was also assembled for this meeting.

Wemjox stared each and every one of us down, making us feel puny and insignificant. I didn't care for that too much.

“As you all know,” Wem uttered out of his creepy face hole, “tomorrow we will be visited by some very special guests. We have had special guests before, but these are by far the specialest.”

“Most special,” Christopher popped off.

“Silence! When I am speaking, none of you are to speak unless you are spoken to.” He pointed his wiry finger at Christopher. “Especially you.” He turned back to his congregation, and I watched Christopher sneer at the back of his head.

“As I was saying. We shall be joined tomorrow morning by the Blobbersons, who are to be treated with the utmost respect. You have all received your itineraries and should be well aware of how to proceed with the day. I assure all of you that your hard work will not go unrewarded.”

Jessica rolled her eyes at this and nudged Christopher, indicating she should also participate in the eye rolling. Christopher was more than happy to comply.

Lexington raised her hand.

Wem called on her, saying, “Yes, Lexington, you have a question?”

Lexington nodded. “I just wondered, Wemmy, if we will be issued name tags so that our guests know who we are when they arrive.”

I gasped. Lexington was asking for name tags? She hadn't been too keen on them when I'd handed them out that time we met for the first time. Why was she all of a sudden so pro-name tag? Just to impress Wemjox? Or to specifically piss me off?

“Of course, Lexington,” Wem replied. “Everyone will be issued name tags tomorrow upon waking.”

I fumed internally. I certainly would not be wearing any name tag. I was above name tags. And besides, the Blobbersons already knew who I was. We'd met before, after all.

I didn't bother saying any of this to Wemjox of course, as he'd just ignore me or call me names or be a general bitch.

The meeting carried on with all of the most boring stuff you could possibly imagine. Mostly it consisted of Wemjox going over everyone's schedules in the most minute detail, and everyone nodding along, saying “Yes, Wemmy” and “No, Wemmy” and all sorts of nauseating things that just made me want to barf. Maybe even throw up.

After the meeting adjourned with Wemjox ordering us to spend the next few hours relaxing before our guests arrived,, S.P.I.T. gathered itself for a meeting.

“Okay,” Christopher spoke up, once we were all huddled safely in the privacy of my and Xlormp's room, “yesterday, Frig and I came up with a pretty awesome plan to keep the Blobbersons from taking Frig away.”

Xlormp and Jessica looked at me for some kind of confirmation that we had, indeed, come up with a plan, so I nodded. “She's right. We were eating salads at the time.”

Christopher waved off my comment as if it weren't relevant. “Anyway, the plan is, we offer the Blobbersons Wemjox to take instead of Frig, because Frig can subsist without Wemjox, but not the other way around.” I didn't bother mentioning that I'd had my doubts about that for the past few days.

Jessica and Xlormp didn't say anything. I think maybe they were waiting for a little more explanation.

“The salads had tomato on them,” I added, hoping that would snap them out of it.

Xlormp perked up. “Really? I hate tomato!” he enthused.

“I know!” I squealed at him. “You totally would have hated my salad!”

Xlormp hugged me and ran a slimy tentacle through my hair.

Jessica raised her hand. Christopher called on her.

“Um, I don't want to say anything, but I think that plan may have a few holes.”

Christopher scratched her head, then she stopped. “Like what?”

“Well, for one, how do you plan on getting a word in edgewise once the Blobbersons show up? Number two, how are you going to present yourself in such a way that they even consider your trade valid? Number three, how do you keep Wemjox from vaporizing you with their puny rage? And even if you can avoid that, how do you avoid number four, dismemberment at the hands of Wemjox's cadre of rabid followers?”

Christopher furrowed her brow. “Hmm. I hadn't thought of any of that. I just planned on bursting in at the last minute and saving the day.”

I nodded. “It usually works for her. Her salad had walnuts on it.”

Christopher turned to look at me. “Frig, I love you, but could you please shut up about the salads?”

I nodded. I wasn't sure why Christopher would want to discount such excellent saladry, but she was an independant woman, and her reasons were her own.

“I just think that maybe we should hammer out some of the details of this plan before tomorrow. You know, if we want to stand any sort of chance.” Jessica appraised us all for some sort of agreement with her words.

Given that it was my own self up for trade here, I figured there could be no harm in doing a little extra planning.

“I'm in,” I said, raising my hands.

“Well, if Frig's in, I'm in too,” Xlormp said at the same time as Christopher.

“Okay,” Jessica affirmatively declared. “Let's do this.”

Chapter Sandwiches!

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