Chapter 32, "Where Everyone Figures Something Out"
When we got home, Wemjox wanted to see me right away. They indicated this by bitching heartily in my general direction for, like, five minutes.
"Mother! Get over here. We need you," Wem hollered.
"I will be right there, but I have to eat some human food first because I am wicked hungry," I replied with niceness. Fake niceness.
"Your eating must wait! We have to be near you for a moment."
I grumbled something under my breath to Xlormp. He mumbled something back to me. Something mumbly. I listened to his mumbles and replied with more mumbling of my own.
"Cease your insufferable mumbling!" Wem cried angstily. "I can hear you all the way over here."
Anyway, I went over to Wemjox and let them bask in the warmth of my amazing presence. They didn't seem too happy about it. Well, I mean, they did once Wem told me they were done with me and I could go back to my room, but before then. The whole having to be around me to sustain their life energy. That was the part that pissed them off. Especially since it seemed to be getting worse, and it was putting a kink in their whole "trade me for Lou's pets" thing.
But I didn't really care. The more I thought about it, especially after seeing Candy hanging out with Schmeertz, the more the idea of just giving up my will power and letting Xlormp have me sounded super appealing.
I left Wemjox's chambers and joined my alien in our room, where Christopher and Jessica already sat, filling him in on what we missed in our absence.
"There are three new options for uniforms to wear on the day, apparently, and we each have to pick one," Christopher droned, looking as bored as the topic indicated. Uniforms, unless they are the kind you wear to hunt aliens, were pretty dang boring.
Jessica rolled her eyes. "He doesn't want to hear about the uniforms, Chris. Tell him about Tabitha and Klaxie."
Christopher shuddered. "No."
Xlormp looked uncomfortable. "Yes, it is okay, I can sustain my existence without hearing anything about Tabitha and Klaxie."
"They were totally making out in the bathroom the other day when I walked in," Jessica blurted out anyway in complete disregard for the feelings of her compatriots. "Looks like you're not the only alien lover in Spatulas, Frig."
Christopher heard my name and turned her head around to look at me. "Frig!" she chortled with delight, leaping up from her seat to hug me crushingly. "How did the trip go?"
"Fine," I squeezed out through my collapsed lungs. "We accomplished nothing."
Jessica snorted. "As usual."
Christopher threw an angry glare at her. Not literally. I mean she looked at her angrily. She didn't actually throw anything.
"Yeah, well, it's a good thing you're back. Wemjox was getting pretty annoying while you were away," Jessica groaned snottily.
"We were gone a mere four Earth hours," Xlormp mentioned timely.
"Yeah, well, Wem figured that was long enough to throw a shit fit," Jessica shrugged.
Christopher nodded in agreement. "Seriously. Things got weird. Lou asked me if he could borrow a penguin, and he never does that anymore."
"Borrow penguins?" I said.
"No," Christopher shook her head. "I mean, asking things like that, things that are weird. Things like borrowing penguins."
I sighed with relief. "Well, that's good, I mean, I know I'm fresh out of penguins."
Xlormp nodded in sage agreement.
"It must have been weird for you, too, huh?" Christopher asked, gazing at me with rapt concern.
"What must have been weird?" I pondered mysteriously.
"Being away from Wemjox. If they're flipping out, I bet you were getting all kinds of beepy." Christopher looked wistful, as if getting all kinds of beepy were a bad thing.
I shook my head. "While that would have been kickin' rad, I didn't feel the slightest bit more beepy." I glanced at Xlormp. "Maybe we should try going to a different solar system? Would that help?"
Xlormp wiggled some flippers emphatically. "No."
"What?" I alarmed askingly.
"No that would not help, because I only just realized something with my alien thought processors." Xlormp rose to his slitherers and slithered toward me. "Wemjox does not control you. You control Wemjox."
Jessica gasped dramatically and then laughed at her funny gasping. As if Xlormp had said something stupid.
Christopher stood up. "Oh man, yes! Yeah, that would make perfect sense! If Frig's actually the one the Sploobers are fixing, and she's the one making everyone's brain work, that would explain the whole penguin fiasco!"
I rolled my eyes. "That doesn't make any sense at all, Christopher. I don't see how Sploobers in my brain would have any effect on how many penguins we have."
Christopher slapped me a little. "Forget about the penguins."
"But you brought it up!" I argued, rubbing my slapped face.
"I just mean that if Lou's talking about penguins while you're away, then you're the one working the mojo. Which means Wemjox needs you, and not the other way around. Which means you're the most powerful person in this house."
She grinned at me.
I grinned back at her. I certainly liked the idea of being super powerful.
"Yeah," Jessica piped up, "and Wemjox don't want you to know it because they want everyone to think they're so awesome and to bring them disgusting food and stuff."
Christopher snurffled in agreement. "Right! And also so they can order everyone around and give them those itineraries and stuff."
I sighed. "Wow. They really are evil."
Christopher nodded. "Right."
"Frigglesticks, you are S.P.I.T.'s greatest weapon," Xlormp soothed caressingly.
I rolled that idea around in my head a bit. If I was the greatest weapon, that meant Wemjox was nothing but a lying sack of crap. A lying, ugly and rude sack of crap. And I could certainly live with that.
I smiled a creepy smile of victory.
Wemjox would most certainly be going down in the very near future.