Chapter 31, "Attempting a Mission From Wemjox"
"Mother," The Wem part of my sweet baby mutant called out to me, "I have a special job for you to do today."
Given that I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth and the bizarre hybrid creature had busted in on me without even knocking, my initial instinct involved jamming my toothbrush straight through Wem's head. But if I did that, I wouldn't have minty-fresh teeth, so I kept my urges to myself. Instead, I said, "Oh, really?" through a mouthful of toothpaste spit.
"Yes. You've shown signs of improvement, so I'm sending you and Xlormp to talk to Qzrudle and Schmeertz to see if they will join us for the big day. It's really heartbreaking to me that such an integral part of our family is no longer on speaking terms with us."
I let the toothbrush hang from my face as I stared in disgust at my kids. "You haven't even met them. And also, Mr. Leader kind of hates me, so sending me is the stupidest thing I'd ever heard."
...is what I would have said before I had S.P.I.T. to keep me motivated. Instead I said, "Sure, Wemmy, sounds great!" I opted against rumpling Wem's hair, that may have been pushing it too far.
"Excellent. I will have Charlie bring your official instructions by momentarily." He shot me a strange, almost undetectable grin, then left the room.
It was only then that I spat out my mouthful of toothpaste gunk. I rinsed my mouth in a suspicious way, because I felt suspicious of Wemjox's intentions. What did they have up their sleeves? That they don't actually have because they're alien enough to not wear clothes?
Xlormp was still sleeping, as we'd had a pretty long and intense S.P.I.T. meeting last night. And then we'd had a pretty long and intense personal bed meeting between just the two of us. I picked up a stray limb from the floor and hit him over the head with it. He made an abrupt snurffling sound and sat up.
"Whuuuuuuurg," he spoke eloquently.
"Xlormp, that baby wants us to go convince Mr. Leader and Schmeertz to be on our side again," I explained, which was actually rather unnecessary because Charlie shoved our Official Instructions under the door at that very moment.
Xlormp rubbed some slime from his eye, stared at me wearily and croaked, "Why?"
"I don't know." I bent over to pick up the paper and read it. It said what I'd just told Xlormp (only in more official sounding words), and I handed him the paper.
Xlormp shook his head. "But I'm supposed to be working with Tabitha to design the menus today," he grumbled. "I don't want to do both."
"Yeah, well, I don't really want to sit around doing nothing and staying out of trouble today either, but I guess we'll just have to suck it up if we're going to keep our plan going." I jammed a toe in his ear hole just to make him feel a little better about the whole plan thing.
I think it worked, because he goggled his eyes at me, gnawed on my arm a little, then said, "Okay. I guess let's load up your spaceship and go."
"Nope, not interested," Mr. Leader wailed snottily at Xlormp. "That baby of yours is the weirdest thing I've ever seen, and frankly, I don't want anything to do with it at all."
I snorted. "It is pretty weird, isn't it?"
Mr. Leader tipped his hat a little bit. "Why, yes, Frig, it is, that's why I just said it."
I stared at him. He stared back at me. We were staring at each other. With our eyes. It started to make me nervous, so I stopped.
"Well, what about you, Schmeertz?" Xlormp asked his alien-brother-friend-thing, who seemed to be working very hard on something while Candy gazed on lovingly. "Have you the inclination to join forces with my deranged, power-hungry spawn?"
Schmeertz shrugged. "Only if Qzrudle says it's okay. I've got a lot of work to do up here."
Candy beeped a little, kicked her legs in a dancey way a few times, then said, "Peace."
I eyed Schmeertz's project while Xlormp went back to arguing with Mr. Leader. ("The child will be angry and punish me in some unpleasant way if I do not acquire your friendship, Qzrudle...") It looked very electronic and weapon-like in nature.
"What are you working on there, Schmeertz?" I asked him quietly, pointing to the thing he was working on there, in case he wasn't sure what I was talking about.
Schmeertz wiped some gunk from his slime and looked up at me. "It's pretty top secret. But I guess since you're Xlormp's girl-slave, I can tell you. It's the big gun that will ultimately end Earth's pathetic existence."
"Hmm," I hmmed, hoping I appeared appropriately interested and not at all concerned about the fate of my home planet. "Does it have a name?"
"Big Gun," Schmeertz dictated, turning his attention back to the project at hand.
"Oh," I nodded affirmatively.
Candy beeped a few more times, and I watched her in all of her full-fledged girl-slaveishness. What was life like for her, I wondered? Did she fear for the fate of Earth at all, or was she just pleased to be near her alien, beeping and break dancing?
Probably it was the second thing. Again, for the kerfrillionth time, I lamented my lost girl-slave future. Hopefully, I could regain it if we could ever get rid of stinking Wemjox.
"I'm sorry, Xlormp," I heard Mr. Leader holler. "Well, no, I'm not actually sorry. I really don't care. But I'm not going to join forces with that creepy thing, especially not if the Blobbersons are involved. We've pissed them off enough for one light-year."
Mr. Leader sniffed. "Did you see what I did there?" He prodded. "I made a space joke."
Xlormp nodded again. "Fantastic."
The awkward silence seethed with awkwardness.
"Well, we should probably go, then," Xlormp sighed. "Come on, Frig." He took my hand and we beamed back to our spaceship.
"What do we tell Wemjox?" I asked my lovable slime factory.
Xlormp shrugged. "To stuff his stupid chair forcefully into his backside?"
"I think we should probably come up with something a little better before we get home."
Xlormp reluctantly agreed with me.
Chapters full of words for you to read.