The Most Popular Book in the Whole World (xlormp) wrote,
The Most Popular Book in the Whole World

Chapter Thirty, "Xlormp Says Some Things That Make Me Really Happy"

The Most Incredible Work of Literature in the Entire Cosmos

Chapter 30, "Xlormp Says Some Things That Make Me Really Happy"

As far as either Christopher or I could tell, the box didn't do anything. There didn't appear to be any way to open it. I'd even asked Xlormp to zap it with his laser vision (I told him there was a magic treat in the middle, I left out the bit about Warbling Chuck), but that didn't really do any good, it just made it more red for a few seconds.

So the box got set aside. Christopher apologized a lot for waking me up so early for nothing. I told her it was okay, but that's only because I'd slept and eaten since then.

Wemjox had, as promised, given schedules for Charlie to hand out to everyone in preparation for the Blobbersons' arrival. I'd gotten mine shoved under my and Xlormp's bedroom door when I'd shuffled back in from acquiring a useless metal box. I picked it up and stared at it blearily.

"MOTHER'S SCHEDULE", it read at the top. Then, further down:

"STAY OUT OF TROUBLE AT ALL TIMES. SHAPE UP ACT. BE A GOOD GIRL-SLAVE." And that's it. Xlormp's schedule (which was under mine) looked a little more intensive:


And so on. I guess I was happy my crappy child wasn't ordering me around like a live-in slave, given that I already belonged to Xlormp as his slave, but I resented Wemjox's immediate assumption that I would be getting into trouble. Even though I'd left earlier that very morning on a quest to find some way to stop them from being complete jerks.

Oh, well. At least I didn't have to call around for caterers. I threw myself at Xlormp's comforting slime and fell asleep.

** ** **

"Frig, can I tell you a secret?" It was a few nights later. I'd been staying out of trouble while everyone else scuttled about, making ready for the impending visitors. But now I lay curled up with Xlormp in our shared bed. We shared it because we were married, you see, so it was totally okay and allowed, even.

"Yes, you can tell me a secret," I responded encouragingly.

He squeezed me with his tentacles. "I don't really want to trade you away to the Blobbersons."

I sighed with heaviness and vague anger. "I don't really want to be traded to the Blobbersons, either."

"I think we should come up with a plan to maybe stop that from happening." He gazed at me lovingly, his current seven eyes trained intently on my face. It had been a while since I'd seen him look at me that way. These days, he'd mostly looked at me with concern that I was trying to off our offspring. So to speak.

"Are you trying to tell me you want to go against precious baby Wemmy's wishes?" I hissed, perhaps a little too snidely.

Xlormp inhaled and exhaled a few times. "I guess maybe they aren't getting anything out of me being a good role model. I'm pretty sure I never set the example of trading off family members to powerful alien cults."

I nodded. "True. You've been very good about that."

I traced my finger through his slime, leaving temporary trails that disappeared seconds later. We stayed quiet for a few minutes.

Then, "I think..." Xlormp began.

I looked at him. "What do you think?"

He sighed. "I think maybe you are right. Maybe we should get rid of Wemjox. I mean, Klaxie and I don't agree on any floral arrangements. I just don't think Wemjox's reign is working out."

I clutched my alien closer to me. "Really?" I exuberated, more than a little overjoyed. "You'll help me murder our baby?"

He squashed me a little deeper into his slime folds. "It would be my honor, my most precious Frigtopus." He patted my head sweetly, tenderly, and with love.

It was the happiest I'd been in a long while.

** ** **

And that is how I gained some support in my quest. During the day, Xlormp and I acted on our best behavior, pretending to carry out Wemjox's bidding and follow our schedules. But by night, we were plotting and scheming. I told Christopher that Xlormp was on our side now, and she wasn't quite as thrilled as I'd hoped she'd be, but she still agreed to be part of our new club.

I called us the "Super Powerful Instigators of Turmoil", or S.P.I.T. Together, S.P.I.T. would take Wemjox down from the inside. Jessica joined our club, too. I decided that was okay, because I was the club president and I got to make decisions like that.

I have to say, it felt awesome to have Xlormp back on my side again. Maybe being married wasn't so boring after all. It's always good to be united by a common goal. And we would keep this marriage together. We'd mend with S.P.I.T.

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