The Most Popular Book in the Whole World (xlormp) wrote,
The Most Popular Book in the Whole World

Chapter Twenty-Eight, "Wemjox Makes an Announcement That Pisses Me Off"

The Most Incredible Work of Literature in the Entire Cosmos

Chapter 28, "Wemjox Makes an Announcement That Pisses Me Off"

A month later, Wemjox was still alive, and I think they were starting to catch on to my scheme. The scheme about trying to kill them and all, you remember. Xlormp was more than a little put out with me, as was pretty much everyone else except for Christopher, and Jessica, I guess.

I was doing my best to pretend I really liked the mutated mistake that was Wem and Jox, but I don't think anyone bought it. Tabitha wouldn't let me take them their dinner anymore, and Klaxie was barely speaking to me. In fact, he'd tried to talk to me about it a while back, but he wasn't making much sense.

"Frig, I can't help but notice you're trying to...erm...get rid of Wemjox," he had said, looking ever dapper in his powder blue suit.

"Yes, I suppose I am," I replied, doing a notably crappy job at pretending I liked the thing.

"It's just that...I really care quite a bit about them, and it would mean a lot to me if you would stop." Here, he sniffed a little. Was he crying? What a big wuss Klaxie'd turned into recently!

"But don't you think they're a know...evil?"

Klaxie balked, guffawed, maybe he even hiccuped a little.

"Frig! They are your own children! How can you not feel motherly toward them? You really liked them when they were still in your belly!" He had a point.

"I guess I was just high on...I don't know, liquid baby hormones. But they're gone now, and my spawn is clearly crazy."

Klaxie brought himself to his full height, standing on all of his tentacles to achieve this. It was pretty intimidating, even though I knew how harmless he really was. "Listen, Frig," he said, "I'm watching you, and you better cut it out, or you and I are going to have problems."

He pointed at me for emphasis, stared a few more seconds, then slithered off. Since then, words from him have been sparse.

One evening, Wemjox called us all into that one room in the basement with the chair, which they'd taken to calling their "chambers". They'd also taken Charlie off door duty and put him on memo duty. So we'd all gotten very official scraps of paper with "WEMJOX WOULD APPRECIATE VERY MUCH THE PRESENCE OF YOU IN HIS CHAMBERS THIS EVENING AT EIGHT OH CLOCK PLEASE" scrawled in robot writing. I considered throwing mine out, but Charlie had put in so much effort, I didn't have the heart.

So here we all stood, awaiting whatever new and generally overlord-esque thing Wemjox had to say to us.

They stood up, and Wem cleared his throat. "As you all know, our brother Lou has suffered a horrible loss this past year." He gestured to Lou, as if we didn't know who Lou was. I only lived with him in a cardboard box for three years, for crying out loud. I think I know my own hobo when I see him.

Except Lou had recently cut his hair and shaved up all nice and proper, and he did look pretty different these days.

But still.

"Lou's beloved pets were taken, quite rudley, by the Blobbersons. They have promised to give them back when mother became a girl-slave, but as you all know, that has happened and here we sit with no pets."

Whenever Wem said "mother," he spat it out as if calling me anything so endearing was about as awesome as sucking on lollipops made of used toilet paper.

"Jox and I have discussed it, and we think the best course of action would be to invite the Blobbersons here for a nice meeting, explain things to them, and offer a trade."

Everyone nodded politely, as if inviting the biggest, baddest aliens in the universe to our house were something we did every day. Everyone, that is, except for Christopher. She cleared her throat a little and raised her hand.

"Um, excuse me, but what, exactly, do you plan to 'trade'?" She did the little quote things with her fingers. I noticed offhandedly that it was quite adorable.

Wem smiled. "Why, Lou's pets for mother, of course."

Christopher choked on her spit. Xlormp wibbled a little himself. He held up a flipper. "Wait, you're going to trade my wife over to the Blobbersons? Why don't we just show them she is, in fact, my girl-slave now?" He said it, but I could tell that he didn't really think of me as his girl-slave on account of how much of my own free will I still had.

Wem laughed. Even Jox let loose a small snicker. "Have you looked at mother recently, Xlormp? She couldn't pull off girl-slave if she tried. They would suspect foul play and possibly kill us all."

"Here's an idea," Christopher announced loudly. "How about we don't invite huge, murderous aliens over?"

Wem and Jox folded their arms together. "I don't appreciate your insolence, Miss Haberdash," Wem uttered.

I noticed Mr. Haberdash trying to catch Christopher's eye, waving his hand in a slashing motion across his throat in an attempt to shut her the crap up. She didn't even look his way.

"Listen, kid," she said, and I heard everyone's sharp intake of breath at calling Wemjox a "kid". "We had this whole getting-Lou's-pets-back thing well under control before you were ever pushed out. Why do you care so much?"

Wem smiled warmly at Lou. "Because Lou is family, and we always do everything we can for family."

Christopher snorted. "Right, like you've done so much for Frig." Jessica put a hand on Christopher's shoulder.

Jox's head snapped away from Lou to glare at Christopher. "Mother is trying to murder us."

Wem shook his head. "Sister, please. Surely there is a misunderstanding. Mother is well taken care of, I'm sure you'll agree." The "given that she is still alive" at the end of that sentence was implied.

Lexington piped up. "Listen, Christopher, if you've got such a problem with the way Wemmy is doing things, you are more than welcome to leave." She patted Hector 2.0, who stood still and flashed his eye lights a few times. Who knows what he thought of things anymore. He still acted the same when we were alone, but never in front of Wemjox. And he was almost never away from Wemjox, because Lexington was almost never away from Wemjox.

Christopher crossed her arms in front of her chest. "Lexington, are you kicking me out of my house?"

Lexington shrugged. "Looks like."

Christopher snorted a few times, as if she didn't know what to say. Finally, Wem spoke up again.

"Lexington, please, Christopher is a member of the family, too. She is welcome to stay."

If Christopher had laser vision, Wemjox would have certainly died ten minutes ago, force field or no. She shot them the worst glare I'd ever seen.

"Okay, excellent meeting, everyone! The Blobbersons will be contacted shortly, in the meantime, we should prepare for their arrival. I will have everyone's schedules printed up for them by morning, and Charlie will pass them out. Dismissed." They clapped their hands together, indicating we were free to leave.

Christopher raced over to me, grabbed me away from Xlormp, and shoved me into the elevator before anyone else could get on. "Tomorrow morning," she whispered to me, "we are going to The Place."


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