Chapter 22, "Apparently the Haberdash House is Now a High Security Location"
So I'm not really sure what I was expecting when we went to see the stupid baby, but it sure wasn't a whole butt-ton of robots running around like crazy freaks with their heads cut off, only if instead of dying because of a lack of head, they were instead flipping out over a baby.
But that's what it was like. The house I lived in was filled to the brim with electronic beings running this way and that, trying to keep this dang baby happy.
"What is going on here?" I whispered in a very low voice to Klaxie.
"Wemjox has to go potty, I think," he whispered back to me.
"Wemjox? Who the crap is Wemjox?" I pondered with thoughts.
"That would be your baby," Klaxie responded carefully.
"Wemjox is the stupidest name I've ever heard. And I'm pretty sure I didn't name it that."
"It's the initials all mashed together and pronounced phonetically," Klaxie explained. "Quite clever, actually."
I shook my head. "No. It's dumb."
Charlie wheeled up to us, after much puttering about in all of the madness. "Much apologies for not attending to you sooner may I take madam's coat."
I handed Charlie my sanity, because I didn't need it anymore.
Just then, Lexington emerged from behind a door. She wore a huge, white suit with a helmet on, and carried a clip board in her hand, and looked, quite frankly, effing ridiculous.
"Hi, Lexington," I said, because even though I wanted nothing more than to climb down Xlormp's throat, I figured it would be better to try being polite instead.
"I'm sorry," Lexington explained, "but you cannot cross this checkpoint without proper clearance to see the baby."
"Clearance? I live here," I bitched, pushing her aside. But she grasped my arm rather firmly.
"I'm sorry, but Wemjox is a little picky about entertaining visitors."
I couldn't believe this crap I was hearing. "Visitors? I gave birth to the stupid thing!"
Lexington nodded. "Right. And then you immediately abandoned them to become a girl-slave to a rather well-known alien terrorist. You can understand how we might be a little wary about letting you in."
"Who in the freaking baloney sandwiches is 'we'?" If I wasn't so ready to slither all over my alien, I may not be so irritable. But it was Klaxie's stupid idea I come see this kid instead, why wasn't he sticking up for me?
"Hey, Klaxie, why the heck aren't you sticking up for me?" I asked.
He shrugged. "Lexington's in charge of security. She takes her job pretty seriously."
A walkie-talkie on Lexington's suit went off, and she muttered a few phrases into it under her breath. Then she nodded. "Right, listen Klaxie, the baby is asking for you." She opened a door and waved him in. I tried to follow after, but she slammed it in my face.
"I'm sorry, Frig, you still don't have clearance."
Xlormp rubbed my arm. "It's okay, we can go back to the spaceship and make out, like you wanted, right?"
It sounded super awesome. It sounded exactly like what I should want to do, because Xlormp was my alien, and I was his girl-slave and even his wife, and what was the point of anything if it didn't involve the melding of our flesh?
But Lexington denying me the right to see my own demon spawn just plain pissed me off.
"So how the hell does one gain clearance to see the baby?" I raged angrily at Lexington.
She stared at me carefully. "I'll go ask Wemjox if they want to see you."
"That pronoun didn't make a lot of sense," I pointed out.
"You don't make a lot of sense," Lexington retorted, prodding me in the chest. She then turned on one foot, exited via the aforementioned door, and left Xlormp and I alone in the room, listening to the hubbub of robots running around like crazy-heads.
He licked my cheek and I sat on his head and he noogied my ribs and I chewed on his flipper and he sucked on my elbow and I spat in his ear and then Christopher was standing in front of us and I don't know when she got there. I climbed off of Xlormp.
"Hey," she said softly, not really looking me in the eye.
"Hi! Why are you here? Are you part of the clearance procedure or whatever?"
She shook her head. "I'm here because I live here." I kind of felt like maybe she wasn't telling me the whole truth, but then Xlormp ran a tentacle up my back and I really didn't care after that.
"Anyway," she went on, "I don't really know if it's a good idea to see this kid. Or, these kids. Or whatever. Everyone's kind of going nuts over them."
"Yeah, I noticed."
Christopher stared at me a little harder than usual for a second. "Weren't you supposed to be a girl-slave by now?" She asked.
"I am a girl-slave!" I cried. "Why is everyone all weird about it?"
Christopher smiled a little. "I think they expected a lot more beeping."
"I can still speak English and stuff."
She shrugged. "You're special. I could have told you that."
What a nice girl Christopher was. I knew there was a reason I hung out with her.
"But seriously. The baby stuff is nuts. Save yourself. It's like a damn cult up there."
I didn't have a chance to reply, because the door opened up behind her. For some reason, a whole crapton of fog-like smoke billowed out, and a figure emerged, engulfed in that smoke. A smallish figure. A figure with two heads. A...baby figure.
As the smoke cleared, the figure became clearer. One head was obviously a boy, the other a girl, and it was crazy how bits and pieces of it looked like me while other bits and pieces looked like Xlormp. I kind of wanted to take a bite out of it to see how it tasted.
The boy side held a cigar in one hand. He took puff from it, and blew the smoke out slowly, casually. Then he opened his mouth.
Chapters are like DELICIOUS PIE. Only with more words.
Okay, guys, I would like to apologize super hard for the extreme lateness of this chapter. But I would also like to make it up to you, by offering ANOTHER chapter to be posted in a few minutes, which will be early! Hopefully from here on in there will be no more embarrassingly late chapters. I can't make any promises, but I will try really, really hard. THAT I PROMISE.