Chapter 21, "I Am a Part Of the Master Plan Now! Sort Of."
The ride to Zmeephish-Q didn't take very long, but it really didn't matter because I spent the entire time looking at Xlormp. Maybe part of the time I was running my fingers and hands all up and down his slimy, delectable body. Perhaps even a small fraction of the time, I was nibbling said body.
"Frig," Xlormp uttered, "I love you very much and I'm super glad you're smoking hot again, but it is difficult to drive when you're doing that."
"Oh," I enunciated, removing his flipper from my mouth. "My bad."
Anyway, we got to where we were going after quite a lot of bitching from Mr. Leader. He still wasn't convinced that I was a full-on girl-slave. He just couldn't understand my awesome, that's all. I really didn't blame him, I mean, it is an awful lot of awesome to have to take in.
Xlormp landed my spaceship and we all teleported out, into a room that reminded me a lot of the one Xlormp took me to the first time I ever met any of his fellow aliens. I recognized a few of the aliens milling around as the ones I'd met back then. I also saw Schmeertz, Candy and Klaxie, who waved at me happily and with much excitement.
"Frigstercakes!" Klaxie crowed, slithering up to us and offering his flipper out for a high-five.
I high-fived him back, and then I punched him a little and said, "Hey, Klaxie! How's it shakin'?"
Klaxie grinned at me, while Schmeertz looked like he'd just eaten a jalapeno sandwich with extra burning.
"She doesn't speak our language?" Schmeertz asked of Xlormp (the most attractive friggen' creature in the entire universe).
"She does, but for some reason she can still speak English."
I looked at Schmeertz and shrugged. "Crazy, huh?"
He turned to Mr. Leader. "Wait, don't you think we should check her before we go telling her all of our plans for world domination?"
Mr. Leader removed his hat, hung it on a hook by the wall, and extracted a new hat from somewhere among his slime folds. Then he rolled his eyes. "That's what I said. But Xlormp thinks she's all good and fine and not a threat at all."
"Well, I think we should kill him," Schmeertz suggested. Candy flipped around on her head and murmured, "Word."
Xlormp pointed at Candy. "Hey, she can speak English, too! Do you want to kill her?"
Schmeertz gasped, appalled. I'd never seen him look so horrified. He kind of resembled a mongoose. "Candy only says 'word' and occasionally comments on how things smell. That's it. The rest of the time, she beeps like she's supposed to."
"Oh, beep, beep, kerflipping beep already," I spoke crazily, throwing my hands up in exasperation. "Just tell me the plans so that Xlormp and I can get out of here and go make out."
"Don't you want to go home and see my- I mean, your baby?" Klaxie pondered, tipping his hat in a suggestive manner. Although I had no idea what he may have tried to suggest.
I shrugged. "I guess. But making out is pretty much at the top of my priority list right now." I licked the inside of Xlormp's approximate ear, just because I couldn't contain myself.
Right about then, Mr. Leader banged a bangy thing on a wooden podium and cleared his alien throat. "Okay, everyone, we have a new initiate into the crew, and I hope you will all treat her with the respect she deserves, even though I'm pretty sure she's a human spy." He gestured to me, and everyone clapped a little. I'm pretty sure one alien was picking his would-be nose.
"So anyway, Frig, the thing is we want to take over the planet Earth, and we intend to do so by blowing it up. Any questions?"
I stared at him. "Is that really your whole plan?" I inquired dubiously.
Mr. Leader shrugged. "Yeah. What's wrong with it?"
I deliberated a bit. "Well, it's just that it doesn't seem much like a plan, more like a good idea one could use as foundation upon which to then build a plan."
Xlormp nudged me, whispering things like "shh" and "maybe don't say that", but I wasn't really listening.
Mr. Leader crossed his tentacles in front of him and glared menacingly at me. "Do you have a better plan?"
The truth is, I'm so mind-bogglingly brilliant that I could probably poop a better plan if fed the appropriate dietary formula beforehand. But planning world domination didn't interest me as much as shoving my tongue into the recesses of Xlormp's...Xlormpiness. So I said, "Use...explosions?"
Mr. Leader's eye twitched. Only one of them. I could tell he thought my suggestion was stupid brilliant, because it was, I'm not gonna lie.
"We already thought of that," he chagrined, sneering at me with the most sneery of sneers.
"Oh. Well, we're done then, right?" I suggested hopefully.
Mr. Leader nodded. But angrily.
"Okay, well, awesome! Xlormp, let's go somewhere private." I reached out to grasp my most delicious and drool-inspiring stud muffin, but Klaxie cleared his throat behind me.
"Um, don't you want to go back to Earth and see the baby?" he asked.
I stared at him. Maybe if I stared long enough, a hole would form in the ground beneath him and he would be swept far away from me and leave me the heck alone. "Can I nibble the top layer of Xlormp's skin off first?" I asked. It seemed a simple request.
"Maybe you want to see the baby before you do that, I'm just sayin'," Klaxie said. But only just.
I rolled my eyes as hard as I possibly could, just to make a point. Then I exhaled the biggest breath I'd ever exhaled, punched Klaxie in the face, and said, "Okay, fine, let's go see the stupid baby."
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