Chapter 20, "So I Guess I Am A Girl-Slave Now"
Wait, no, that wasn't right. I didn't mean to say "beep" at all. "Beep" didn't make any kind of sense, it was stupid. So I tried again.
Gah. Lame. Totally lame. There must be something wrong with my voice.
And then I remembered that girl-slaves tended to communicate in native Zmeephish-Quian, and that native Zmeephish-Quian consisted of nothing but beeps, and that I was a girl-slave now.
"Oh, that explains that," I said, getting the hang of it now.
"What?" an alien voice said from behind me. Not a voice that was alien to me (as in, one I'd never heard), but rather a voice from an actual alien.
I turned around. My alien. Man, if I'd thought Xlormp was hot before, nothing compared to the Hotty McHotpants standing before me now. How majestic he appeared! How like a dang mountain lion on a snowboard coasting down an icy river of beauty and lust! Or something! All I knew is that every inch of my being wanted to molest him. With love.
"Did you just say words in English?" my demi-god-like celestial being of awesome spake unto me.
"I'm pretty sure I did, beep," I worded carefully using my face.
"Right, except that girl-slaves usually can't speak English, they forget how," Xlormp explained sexily. God, I wanted to lick his face.
"Clearly I am MAGNIFICENTLY SUPERIOR TO OTHER GIRL-SLAVES FOR SOME VAGUELY INEXPLICABLE REASON." I don't know why I was shouting. Maybe it was because I wanted to thrust my voice into Xlormp's slime folds just as much as I wanted to thrust other things in them?
"That is ridiculous," said another alien, not my alien, in fact, the obnoxious alien Mr. Leader. "I did the ritual perfectly. Maybe we need to do it again?"
Xlormp extended one immaculate flipper and punched Mr. Leader in the face. "Nopers. You're just lucky I got here in time to make sure Frig became my girl-slave and not yours."
Mr. Leader whimpered a little pitiful whimper. "She had the stupid baby out of her! What was the point in waiting?"
Oh yeah. I remembered somewhere in the back of my mind, under the haze of passionate lust for Xlormp, that I had given birth to a stupid baby recently. I wondered what it was up to.
"Yeah," Xlormp continued, "except maybe you could have waited to make her the correct alien's girl-slave?" He sent another perfectly timed punch to Mr. Leader's approximate abdomen.
"Hey!" I said, using my perfect grasp of the English language, "What's going on with that baby I had?"
Xlormp rolled his eyes a little. "Really, Frig? You're worried about your spawn at a time like this? Shouldn't you be more worried about how attractive I am when I do this?" He made all of his eyes stand on end simultaneously. They stuck straight up to the spaceship ceiling. Man, he was right, he did look super attractive when he did that.
"Yeah, you're right!" I warbled, clapping happily.
"Could you please speak in proper Zmeephish-Quian?" Mr. Leader bitched at me. "And why are you capable of independent thoughts? And why aren't you copying every movement Xlormp makes? Something went wrong, I think."
Another punch to the kidneys for Mr. Leader.
I shrugged, letting one hand fondle Xlormp lovingly. "Maybe I am just TOO COOL FOR SCHOOL?" Again with the shouting. Weird stuff.
"Anyway," Xlormp announced, standing up on the tips of his tentacles (and I have to tell you, they looked like tentacles crafted out of the finest awesome thread and hardcore fabric), "now that you're officially my girl-slave even though it would have been awesome if maybe we could have waited a little longer because who knows why, I don't know, maybe I'm turning into a human lover like Klaxie or something, anyway the point is, now you need to come back to Zmeephish-Q with us so we can fill you in on the whole taking over the world plan and that will be the last step and then we can totally make out."
Mr. Leader lifted his head pitifully from his new location on the floor. "I don't think that's a good idea! I think she's kind of broken?"
This time, I was the one to deliver mad punches. "I am not broken, I am WICKED AWESOME AND SPECTACULAR AND YOU WILL COWER BEFORE MY MIGHTY WHIMS FOR SOME REASON I HAVEN'T YET THOUGHT OF."
Xlormp tapped my shoulder. "Frig, that yelling is pretty obnoxious, could I ask you not to do it?"
I looked at him confusedly. "What yelling? THIS YELLING?"
"Yes. That exact, precise yelling."
"Can I eat the inside of your mouth please?" I asked inquisitively, doing my best not to yell.
"Maybe after we get to Zmeephish-Q," Xlormp expressed fervently.
"OKAY!" I yelled.