Chapter 19, "Giving Birth is Totally Not My Favorite"
I'm going to tell you something. Weird alien slime goo gushing through all of your pores is pretty not awesome. I mean, it's about as awesome as getting trampled by a herd of rabid dinosaurs who were in the middle of baseball practice so they're all wearing cleats. And the cleats are made of poison. Poison and miserableness.
I had no idea that having a baby could suck so bad. I'm normally so good at everything, why would having a baby be any different? But I'm going to tell you right now, having a baby? Sucks. I should have just let Mr. Leader suck it out of me in the first place and gone back to being really freaking hot and who needs emotional connections to one's own stomach anyway? Seriously. But nooooooo, I had to go and insist on giving birth and I think that's the stupidest thing I've ever done in my whole life.
Did I mention the nasty, gushing goo? Because yeah, I'm pretty sure it was even pouring out of my eyes. Or maybe those were my tears of extreme bitterness and hatred. Or maybe it was BOTH. I don't even know.
I guess I was vaguely aware of everyone running around and flipping the crap out about my icky goo explosion. I mean, it's not every day someone you know turns into a volcano of molten slime. Unless you have weird and gooey friends, in which case, you probably have worse problems anyway.
I felt something hit me in the head, and at first I was super pissed, because come on, I was obviously having a traumatic experience here and someone felt the need to whack me in the head? But then I felt all kinds of better. Like everything stopped being sucky for a little bit. So I decided to lay down and take a nap.
That would have worked out great except that my guts chose that moment to scrape themselves out of my belly like a viscous and disgusting ice cream scoop of death, and I was right back to wanting to kill everyone.
Klaxie muttered some business about it being a girl, but I couldn't give a crap even if it were a unicorn because I just wanted the stupid thing out of me. I contemplated shoving my big toe into Klaxie's eye so that he might suffer a fraction of the pain that I was suffering, but whatever had hit me in the head must have prevented me from moving, because I continued to lay motionless. Motionless but full of rage.
Then he said some ridiculous nonsense about it being a boy and a girl, and what the hell does that even mean, did I go and give birth to a dang hermaphrodite? Because that would be my luck. It was probably ugly, too. I had an ugly baby. Oh, how shitty my life had become since moving to Spatulas.
And then out of nowhere the pain stopped. Whoever was digging into my guts had gotten the last of their scrumptious innards sundae, so they cut out the scraping. I wanted to cry with happiness. Sweet, blissful lack of pain! Or at least, slightly less pain. The difference proved substantial enough for me to feel slightly optimistic once again.
I must have begun hallucinating or something, because I swear I heard Lou ask me if I was all right. I assured him that heck yes I was, I had no more baby in me. I vowed to never consume questionable liquids during sex ever again. And then some sort of crazy instinct washed over me, like I actually wanted to know what was going on with whatever it was that had just tried to rip me into two pieces from the inside out. Weird, right? I asked Lou where the baby was.
The next thing I knew, the kid was in my arms. And the craziest thing is that it had two heads. And actually that's not the craziest thing at all, the craziest thing is that I didn't feel the immediate urge to heave them headfirst at the wall in an attempt to pay them back for what they had just done to me. In fact, I kind of wanted to pinch their cheeks (only not in a mean way). But I was still having a tough time moving.
"What are their names?" Lou asked me. I had to be on some heavy drugs for Lou to be making this much sense, but whatever, man. I looked at the kiddos in my arms, and they seemed to speak their name to me somehow, like magic mind melding telepathy business or something. I didn't even have a choice in the matter, because I promise if I did, I wouldn't have mumbled "Wendy Elizabeth Marcus Jehosaphat O'Flannery Xlormpstilouserdash" before I completely gave up on consciousness.
I woke up in the middle of a spaceship. I knew it was a spaceship because of how futuristic and space-y it looked. It might have even been the intense orange monstrosity Xlormp had given me earlier, I wouldn't know, I'd never bothered to go in it.
"Hey, Frig," Mr. Leader said, hovering over me in his most obnoxious hat ever. "I've extracted you for official girl-slave conversion, but you are sedated so you can't say anything right now. Are you excited?"
The thing is, I actually was pretty excited, I'd only wanted to become a girl-slave since I met and fell in love with the alien that would win my heart. (You know, Xlormp, in case you forgot.) But I was pissed that Mr. Leader seemed to be overseeing things. Where was my Xlormpificus? My Mount Xlormpius?
"Anyway, I just need you to close your eyes and we'll get started. You'll feel right as rain in no time."
As I contemplated the stupidity of the phrase "right as rain", I felt my eyelids grow heavy. Why was I so sleepy? Maybe giving birth took a lot out of you. Who knew? Not me, that's for sure. In fact, I wasn't sure how much I knew at the moment. My brain felt kind of scrambly and weird, as if it were made of eggs. Delicious eggs. Maybe they had peppers in them. Maybe they were omelets. Mmmmm.
These eggy thoughts continued on for quite a while, I'm not entirely sure for how long. But it was a while, boy howdy, I tell you what. My brain rolled around and around in this weird state, when finally, I opened my eyes again. I was still in the shiny spaceship, but I felt different. I felt...newish.
I wiggled my fingers to see if I could move again. Not really. I still felt mostly numb. So I figured I'd try calling out for Xlormp and see what happened. I opened up my mouth, the one that does my speaking for me, and whispered: "...beep?"
Guys, I have a special request to make of you. Our favorite cover artist, opaleyes, has entered a photo contest and is currently in second place. With our powers combined, we could possibly push her into first place, which would be awesome, because SHE is awesome. Guys, Nikki is a kickin' photographer and a hardcore artist extreeem, and it would do your soul good to vote for her. Here is a link to the contest, as well as a link to her post in the Zmeephish-Q community with more details.