Chapter 9, "Homecoming"
So I know that I said I wanted her to be happy and everything. Which is why I continued to stalk her house to find out when she was getting home. It's not because I felt jealous or anything. That's not it at all, I swear. It's because I want her to be happy that I stalked her. You know. To make sure she actually was and everything.
From the looks of things, it was a good thing I waited. Xlormp and Frig just got home and so far, they've been yelling at each other nonstop. I tried not to let my heart swell with a little happiness. Because I admit it: It did.
How could Xlormp yell at such a beautiful and perfect being? Okay, look, I know Frig isn't exactly perfect, but she's as close as it gets. She's everything a girl could want.
And more. So I tried to be good, and not do the whole barging-in-and-saving-the-day thing. But it's my favorite. So it wasn't long before I couldn't take the screaming anymore and my desire to punch Xlormp in the stomach grew too strong. I climbed out of my tree and marched up to the door.
It's weird, because this was my house and everything. I should just be able to walk in. But I'd been gone so long, and Frig and Lou had taken up residence, and my own father barely recognized me anymore...I almost felt like I should knock. I mean, it was my choice to leave and hunt aliens on my own. I did it to get away from the whole Xlormp getting to marry Frig and suck her brain out thing, which I don't think I have to tell you, I'm against.
And to take out my anger on other alien species that were pissing me off. It's my job and everything, although lately I've felt like more of a darn alien lover, what with all of this joining forces with the Zmeephish-Quians and all. Last I checked, the Zmeephish-Quians were NUMBER ONE on our list of most wanted suspects, due to their strong desire to blow up the planet and all. But whatever.
Anyway, I got over the whole wanting to knock thing, and I just walked in. I walked in because, when it comes right down to it, this house still belongs to the Haberdashes, and I am still one of them.
"Pleased to take madam's coat," said a robot I recognized as Charlie. What was he doing buttling at our house? I don't remember having a butler.
"I don't have a coat, Charlie," I said.
"Oh apologies it is my bad," he said, and I felt bad for him for a little while, but I stopped when I caught sight of Frig and Xlormp arguing about something.
"You don't care about my feelings," Frig screamed at him.
"I do!" Xlormp retorted. "It's just that I don't when they're stupid."
Anger seethed in me. Frig does not have stupid feelings. Unless they are feelings of affection for a stupid alien. I was so pissed at Xlormp that it took me a minute to notice there was something funny about Frig. For one thing, she had definitely put on weight, and was turning a funny shade of green. I looked harder and noticed she had also grown some rather Xlormp-esque antennae. And that she had a tail.
This was not normal. What did Xlormp do to her? Oh, I would kill him. I would kill him right now.
"Hey, Xlormp!" I shouted, so peeved I couldn't take it anymore. "You better lay off her, or I swear, I will blast your face into the next galaxy."
"Christopher!" Frig shouted in surprise, I guess noticing that I was there.
I smiled at her. I couldn't help it. Angry as I was that she'd married this alien asshat who was now yelling at her rudely, Frig still had the most adorable face ever, even if it was kind of fat and green. Smiling became involuntary around her.
"What are you doing here?" she asked me.
"I live here," I said.
"Yes, but you've been away," she pointed out.
"I know, but I figured I'd come home, since you and Xlormp are moving out anyway, right?" So what if it was only half true. "So what the heck happened to you? Why do you look that way?"
Frig cast a glance at Xlormp and sneered. "I've got a baby in me, Christopher," she said.
I gasped in alarm and disgust. "A...baby? Xlormp's baby?"
She nodded meaningfully.
"Can aliens even have babies?" I asked.
"They can if the baby is drunk by a human in liquid form," Xlormp chimed in.
I stood there in utter disgust for a few moments, considering this. Then I remember the biggest jerk that ever did jerk was talking to me, so I yelled at him, "I wasn't talking to you, Xlormp!"
Xlormp appeared to consider this, and then he said, "I would actually like to discuss something with you, Christopher."
My first instinct was to vomit all over him, but since I couldn't vomit on command, I decided instead to sneer at him. "Why should I talk to you?"
"Because if you don't, I will blow up your planet."
I rolled my eyes. "Right. Like I've never heard that one before."
Why would I want to talk to Xlormp when Frig was right here being all beautiful and still mostly human with full function of her brain? He must be crazy. But then I looked at Frig, and she nodded at me, as if to say, "Well? Why the heck aren't you talking to Xlormp?"
Xlormp had slithered his nasty way to the other side of the room, and beckoned for me to follow him with one slimy flipper. I really didn't want to, but I didn't want to let Frig down, either. So I followed the alien.
"What do you want?" I asked, once I'd fully approached him.
"Listen," he leaned in conspiratorially, "I'm sure you've noticed that since Frig has become impregnated with my baby, she has become nasty fat."
Oh, I could hit him right now. Nasty fat?? She was just as beautiful as ever. I could forgive a little chunkiness in the face of true perfection. Okay, almost true perfection. I pulled my fist back to punch him, but he continued, "I don't know what it is, but for some reason she really wants to have a baby all of a sudden. I guess I don't mind if she has a baby, I just don't want her looking so horrible."
Say one more thing. Say one more thing, you hateful alien jerk, and my fist will land straight in your face.
"So I was wondering, maybe if you could convince her to get rid of the alien baby, she could have a baby with you instead, and that would solve everyone's problems."
Okay, I would have punched him, except that statement was so ridiculous I didn't know what to do for a few seconds. But Xlormp was staring at me pretty pointedly, so I replied with, "Um, what?"
"You know. Because if she were pregnant with a human baby, she would not get so fat."
I stared at him. The extreme amount of nothing he knew about human pregnancy baffled me entirely.
"I, uh...can't?" I said.
"What do you mean?" Xlormp asked, confused.
"It's just that...girls can't..." I began. And then I stopped myself. What was I saying? Xlormp's freaking offering me up to Frig right here, and I'm trying to explain to him why that wouldn't be necessary. HA.
"Girls can't what?" Xlormp prompted.
"Girls...can't...wait to impregnate each other!" I exclaimed, clasping my hands together in front of me. "I'll do it!"
Xlormp heaved a sigh of relief. "Oh, thank goodness. Anything to get Frig hot again."
And we made our way across the room to explain the plan to Frig.
Late chapter is extra late due to two things: One, I didn't have anywhere to post it last night, and Two, apparently I spilled something sticky on my Alphasmart and now it won't turn on. I really hope this is not a permanent thing, and that it is fixable, because if I don't have my Alphasmart, I may explode. Really.