The Most Popular Book in the Whole World (xlormp) wrote,
The Most Popular Book in the Whole World

Chapter Eight, "Spoon"

The Most Incredible Work of Literature in the Entire Cosmos

Chapter 8, "Spoon"


Wednesdays are my favorite because that is when we get to do the robot dance! I love the robot dance with all of my body. Even though I am not a robot myself, I try very hard to do the robot dance because it makes me feel truly alive.

The robot dance involves me, my dear friend Haberdash, and all of his robots hanging out in the ballroom and getting our dance on. Dancing makes me feel glamorous like a superstar. Like the stars in the sky, which twinkle and shine with white hot sparkles. Sandwiches are hot. I like the kind with meat and cheese. And sometimes when you put a tomato on it? It's the best. In my excitement, I shout out, "Tomato galaxy!"

Haberdash agrees with me, I can tell. I can tell because he is shaking his thang like it ain't no thang, and he is also smiling. I smile back at him, and he shouts "Twizzlers on a paper napkin!" which really doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me, but I'm not going to tell him that.

I wondered absently when Frig and Xlormp were getting back home, because they would totally love robot dance day. Haberdash and I invented in their honeymoon absence. I tried to remember how long it had been since they left, so I lifted some fingers to count on. But counting is alarmingly hard. I got to three, and then I thought about how there are only three pickles left in the fridge and we really need to get more, but it's too cold to live in the fridge, and you'd have to be something like a penguin to be comfortable, and that just didn't seem feasible at all. In my confusion, I tapped Haberdash's robot son Hector 2.0 on the shoulder.

"Yes, Lou, how may I assist?" he asked me politely. He's such a nice boy, even if he is made of metal.

"How many pickles did the penguin eat?" I asked.

Hector 2.0 appeared to do some quick calculations, whirred a little bit, and then said, "None."

Which didn't make any sense at all because I knew Frig and Xlormp had been gone more than no days. I knew it for certain. But Hector 2.0 was a robot, so he probably knew better than I did. Robots do their thinking robotically, where I do my thinking humanly, and so it is automatically inferior.

"Inferior pipe cleaners," I muttered to myself. I just wanted to hear myself say pipe cleaners, really.

Just then, I heard the front door clang open and Charlie (our butler) saying "Pleased to collect madam's things". And then I heard it, the dulcet tones of my precious Frig! I heard her say, "You can take this obnoxious green slimy thing, Charlie."

My heart leapt in my chest cage. I was so excited that she was home! Even if it had only been no days! I ran upstairs to say hi to her. She was so sweet to me, her brown hair the color of chocolate and pudding, chocolate pudding, even, I've also had pudding in butterscotch and pistachio, but I liked pistachios in nut form the best, but not as much as I liked olives and salad, and then Frig was right in front of me and I called out to her, "Pistachio salad!"

She was so happy to see me, too. She stopped slapping her new husband in order to rush up to me and give me a great big hug. I had so many things I wanted to ask her, like why she had little antennae growing out of the top of her head, for one. And also what it was like to travel on a plane with an alien. That had to be exciting. But all I could think to say at that moment was, "Has the penguin eaten his pudding yet?"

Frig smiled at me, that sweet smile, like a pile of sugar cubes melting on a hot summer day, melting into a pile of caramelized smiles, and she said, "No, not yet."

I loved Frig so much. She understood me like nobody else did, even Haberdash. Who, I have to tell you, has been acting a little off these days. He says the weirdest things sometimes. But I find it's best to humor him so he doesn't get upset.

I watched happily as Frig made her way back to Xlormp, her husband.

"Frig, we're not staying here, I've got this whole spaceship for us to leave in and start the girl-slave rituals," he said. I liked him well enough, I guess. Sometimes I thought he was a little mean to Frig, but you could tell Frig loved him a lot.

"I thought you didn't want a nasty fat baby machine for a girl-slave," she snapped back.

"Frig, that's not what I meant. I just meant that we'll suck the baby out of you and then it won't even be an issue."

Baby, I wondered? I looked Frig up and down and noticed that she had indeed gained a little weight. And it looked like she was also growing the beginnings of a tail. Kind of like a marsupial, with a pouch on it's front!

I didn't like to get in the middle of their argument, but I had something I really needed to say, so I tapped Frig on the shoulder and mentioned, "Caramelized marsupial?" Maybe that would help them out a little. Sometimes you just needed an outsider's opinion.

But Frig ignored me, and shouted back, "I'm not taking this baby out! I love it or something! You're just a jerk! I should take you out!"

Hector 2.0 had appeared in the room at some point. I hadn't notice him there before! What a sneaky fellow he was! It appeared that he also wanted to help out what was clearly a breakdown of marital relations. He offered Frig a beverage, saying, "Frig, would you like some ice cold orange soda? Because I love you."

But Frig was having none of it. She just said, "Not right now, Hector."

Xlormp shook himself in a manly way and said, "It doesn't matter anyway, Frig, I've already called Mr. Leader to come take the baby out."

Frig pulled herself into a very upright stance for a slightly chubby girl with a green tint, and said, "How dare you go behind my back and make plans to do things to my precious baby lumpkins?"

Lumpkins. Pumpkins. Thanksgiving. Turkey. Dressing. "Pumpkin tutus!" I interjected, trying my best to stand up for my Frig.

"You're just making up words now, Frig. You don't even like this baby, you're just mad at me for some reason, and I don't know what it is-"

"It's because you want to take this baby out of me!"

"-but I'm taking that baby out of you and then you'll get over it."

Well, their conversation seemed to be going in circles now. Frankly, it was giving me a headache. My headache reminded me of the heartache I felt occasionally when I remembered my friends, the ones I was in a band with but recently had stopped calling or visiting for some reason. I didn't know what I did, but it made me very sad and I wasn't ready to cry in front of Frig, especially when she was so upset, so I went into another room to weep silently.

I was only in there for a little while when I heard the door open again, and another voice rang out. What good fortune! It appeared Haberdash's daughter, who we thought was gone forever, had returned!

** ** **

Chapter List

I'm expecting the comments of this chapter to be something like, "WTF LOU IS NOT CHRISTOPHER DID I MENTION WTF" but I challenge you to bear with me. To trust me, even. To have patience THINGS will happen for the next several chapters. I'm hoping you'll enjoy them.

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