Chapter 7, "And Then the Honeymoon Became Sucky Again"
Once Xlormp got over his crazy angsting, things started looking up considerably. We spent way more time hanging out with each other in exceedingly close proximity, and a lot less time playing stupid Parcheesi. We just promised to stay away from the bag of girl-slave ritual tricks, since that is what got Xlormp all bent out of shape in the first place. And as crazy a night as it had been, I didn't particularly care to lose another appendage.
I awoke one morning to the sound of Xlormp grinding a titanium spork against a sheet of solid stone. Well, actually, he was snoring, but he may has well have been doing the other thing. Xlormp can hella snore, you know.
My newfound feeling of awakeness held me in a much more awake state than sleeping had done. I, for one, was against it. I wanted very much to go back to sleeping, to caress my face on my sweet, sweet pillow, to thrust my body into the soft contours of the lumpy hotel matress and stay there forever. But Xlormp's machine gun snoring clearly had other plans for me, and those plans included puttering about the tiny hotel room being irritated that Xlormp wasn't awake yet.
So I did that. It worked out okay for a while, but then the irritation started to get to me, so I threw a lamp out the closed window, and that made a pleasant shattering noise, and I felt a little better. It also woke Xlormp up.
"Hello my utterly magnificent fleshbag!" he crowed. He was a morning alien. I hated him endlessly for that. Also, I loved him with the fire of a thousand really hot stoves.
"Good morning," I replied back to him.
"What happened to the window?" He asked innocently.
"It felt that life as a window proved too futile to continue on, so it imploded."
"Oh," Xlormp nodded. He stood up with what few limbs he had left, slithered over to me and wrapped a few tentacles around me. I sighed with happiness and lust, pleased as I could possibly be to have such impeccable sliminess surrounding my body. And then I barfed on him.
"Ew!" Xlormp cried disgustedly, shaking his limbs to and fro and splashing little chunks of vomit around the room.
"Ew yourself!" I shrieked. "Stop doing that!"
He stopped. "Frig," he asked, sincere confusion clouding his obnoxiously perfect features, "why did you do that to me?"
"It's not like I did it on purpose," I scoffed snottily, pushing him a little to let him know who was boss. (Me, in case you were wondering.)
"I think it's really gross and you should never do it again," he ordered with love.
"I won't," I affirmed positively, and then I did it again.
"Holy bajeebers, Frig!" Xlormp shouted, doing the nasty flinging thing again. "What is up with you today?"
"I don't know," I insisted passionately. It certainly had nothing to do with Xlormp. I mean, who would want to barf all over such incredible hotness? Not me, that's for sure.
So I barfed all over him one more time just for good measure and that's when Xlormp banished me to the bathroom after much yelling.
I felt like it was kind of rude for him to make me leave the room just because of a little vomit. I mean, seriously (I thought as I barfed again into the toilet), we're supposed to love each other unconditionally forever and that includes even if we barf on each other. If Xlormp had been the one barfing on me, I probably wouldn't have freaked out as much. Maybe.
I decided to make sure my face wasn't vomit-tactular. I certainly didn't feel like I would barf again any time soon, so I barfed one more time and then checked out my face in the mirror. And I noticed something kind of crazy.
My belly. It was all fat and stuff. I was completely appalled. I was so appalled that I screamed my head off and Xlormp was like, "What's going on in there?"
I screamed a little more. "I'm nasty fat!" I sobbed angrily. I had never been nasty fat in my whole life. I'd always been super hot and everybody wanted a piece of me. It's just my thing.
I looked in the mirror again and flipped out. How the heck could this have happened? I've been doing nothing but fondling Xlormp a lot! Isn't that supposed to keep you in shape?
Speaking of my sexy alien husband dude, he appeared in the doorway. "Oh, man," he sputtered.
"What?" I whimpered pathetically.
"You are nasty fat."
"Aaaaaaaugh!" I screamed, punching him in the gut region.
"What the heck happened to you?" He perplexed.
"I have no idea!" I hollered miserably. "If I didn't know any better I'd think..." but I didn't want to finish the sentence. It was too ridiculous. It was too stupid. It was too hideously fattening.
Then a thought came into my head and I became filled with rage. "Xlormp," I yelled through my nasty fat vocal chords. "Give me the communication device. I'm calling Klaxie."
I am never speaking to Klaxie again. Never. It took us four hours of prompting and yelling and death threats to get it out of him, but he finally admitted it. He had sabotaged our girl-slave consummation ritual kit. One of the consumable liquids was actually liquid alien baby.
"I just thought it would be best for everyone!" he wept angstily into the communicator.
"But you made Frig ugly!" Xlormp shouted, which made my heart hurt a little. I hated the idea of Xlormp thinking I was ugly. "You know I only wanted her because she was so dang hot. A regular Pretty McPrettypants. What am I going to do with a fat girl-slave? We have to take that alien baby out of her."
Suddenly, at Xlormp's mean and cruel (yet sexy) words, I felt something bitchy surge through me. "Are you saying you don't want us to have a baby just because I'm too fat?" Even as I said it, I felt kind of ridiculous. I hated the idea of having a baby and I hated being fat even more. But even more than both of those things surged my hatred of Xlormp saying he didn't want me if I had a baby in me.
Xlormp looked at me, a little surprised. "You don't want to be fat, either, Frig! Why are you so angry?"
My lip blubbered with hurt and painfulness. "Because!" If he didn't understand, I certainly didn't want to explain it to him. If he was too stupid to get it through his thick, slimy (and totally hot) alien skull, I didn't want anything to do with him (unless it involved wriggling).
"You don't understand me, Xlormp!" I wailed. "I'm having this baby!"