Chapter 6, "A Short Chapter With Lots of Angst"
I kind of wish Xlormp had talked to me a little when planning our honeymoon. I mean, if I'd have known I was going to spend it in a cheap hotel room with an angsty alien who couldn't even be bothered to fondle me, I would have insisted that I be in charge of the plan-making.
I mean, I couldn't even sleep very soundly. I kept waking up to Xlormp sitting up in the middle of the night and yelling crap like, "I DON'T EVEN DESERVE TO CONSUME SUSTENANCE!" It was really obnoxious. I don't think he'd spoken in a normal decibel level since I lost my toe.
Which, to be completely honest with you, was not any big deal. It seemed the worst part involved having kind of crappy balance if I tried to stand on my left foot, And anyway, when I was a girl-slave, it wouldn't really matter because I wouldn't care about such silly things as "balancing". The only thing I'd have to worry about would be mindlessly following Xlormp around and copying his every move, something I could totally get into.
But what good would that even be if he was just going to bitch and sulk about my damn toe all the time? It totally seemed like something he could easily bitch about forever, instead of wriggling around with me like a good alien husband/girl-slave master should do. And I was against this.
So I went up to Xlormp the next night and said, "Hey, I think we should fondle each other in a most vigorous fashion."
Xlormp glared at me beadily, like he was thinking things he didn't normally think, and he said, "No, I think we should play Scrabble instead."
"Scrabble?" I guffawed mightily. "Scrabble is a game for the otherwise unoccupied. I fully intend to be occupied with your slime folds in but a few short moments." And I reached a firm hand up to grasp said slime folds.
He slapped my hand away in a most unfathomable manner. "No. I insist upon the Scrabble idea."
And so we played Scrabble. And when we were done with Scrabble, Xlormp insisted upon playing Monopoly. Then Parcheesi. And by then it was, like, midnight o'clock and I was starting to get sleepy, so I decided to try something different.
I lifted one of Xlormp's flippers and placed it seductively on my head. I expected him to flip out and goggle his eyes and heave me furiously onto the bed, but instead, he removed his flipper and said, "Frig, are you crazy? I AM A NOXIOUS MONSTER FROM THE DEEP, WITH NO SOUL AND NO FEELINGS. I cannot ravage my body upon you."
I felt a deep welling of anger in the core of my middleish area. What was wrong with Xlormp, anyway? Just because I'd lost one stupid toe, he expected me to deny myself his luscious greenliness on our freaking honeymoon? I clenched and unclenched my hands into fists of irritation and pissed offedness. I thought about all of the anger management tricks Xlormp and I had worked on to keep our relationship from being perceived as abusive. Then I decided those tricks were stupid and pointless, and I punched Xlormp in the face.
He made a high-pitched squeaky noise in surprise. I fixed my eyes upon him steadily, daring him to man up (alien up?) and do something about it. I saw him move his flipper in a reflexive slapping manner, and then I saw him stop himself. So I punched him again.
"What is all the punching about, Frig?" he asked with a quivery voice.
"Because you are being ridiculous, just because I lost a stupid toe. As if you don't lose, like, half your body every time we fool around." I punched him again, this time with both of my fists for good measure.
He grabbed my arm in midair and slapped me furiously across the face. "You're right!" he shouted like a crazy loon. "It's true!"
"I know!" I screamed, slapping him back. This was more like it.
"I am not totally awful!" he hollered with more slapping. "Maybe, in fact, Frig, you are totally awful for making me shed all my limbs."
I punched him back with extra sexy force. "Correct! I am a terrible excuse for humanity!" Normally, I would not be admitting to any flaws I have, because the thing is that I have no flaws. But if it meant the difference between getting any or not, I'd take some lies about my perfection.
The slapping continued for a little longer, when finally, we could no longer stand it, and we fell into each other's personal bubbles.