Chapter 5, "A Magical Honeymoon of Stupid"
The reception was nice and lovely and everything, and I ate a whole lot of space cake. I mean, a whole lot. It's a good thing we had a triple-tiered cake, I'll say that much.
Everyone was pretty happy and congratulatory and stuff. Hector 2.0 gave me a robot acorn for a wedding gift.
"What does it do?" I asked him inquisitively.
"It impersonates an acorn," he stated purposefully.
"Robotically," he added.
"Well, I love it. I will put it in my pocket and then later I will put it on a table or a counter top or something."
Hector 2.0 gave me a robotic hug and said, "Hooray! I love you, Frig. I think you should marry me next."
I figured it wasn't worth explaining to him that I wouldn't really be marrying anyone next, that in fact, if all went to plan, I would be mindless and beeping within the week. I saw Lexington looming in the corner, shooting me nasty glances as I released myself from Hector 2.0's metallic grip.
"Frig, are you ready to go to our super secret honeymoon location?" Xlormp asked me, appearing behind me and slipping a tentacle around my waist.
Oh yes, I thought to myself, I forgot that Xlormp had these big plans to take me somewhere super secret. See, it's not like we'd never invaded each other's personal space before, if you know what I mean. But apparently there's this whole ritual that needs to be done before you can do the girl-slave thing and Xlormp wanted a lot of privacy for that. And apparently the element of surprise.
I tried to think if there was anything I wanted to do before we left, but then Xlormp slipped a tentacle up my nose and I lost the desire to do anything other than be alone with him. So I said, "Sure, I am okay with this leaving idea."
So Xlormp picked me up in his utterly befuddling flippers and headed for the door.
"Wait, Xlormp!" Klaxie called, and I feared it would be more malarky about babies and how I should have them, but instead, Klaxie was holding a suitcase out to my most dulcet lover husband alien. "Don't forget your supplies!"
"Oh, yes, indeed!" Xlormp exclaimed, using his voice in such a way that made my insides quease with love. He took the bag from Klaxie gratefully, patted his alien brother/friend meaningfully on the shoulder area, and turned to leave for reals.
He piled me into the spaceship which had previously been prepared for us, prior to the wedding, that is. It was a lovely enough spaceship, covered with wispy white weddingy fabric and tin cans. I felt happiness deep in my soul, especially when Xlormp planted a long, slimy kiss on my head, then took his place at the steering mechanism.
We were flying around for a long time. I tried to imagine where he was taking me. Probably some exotic planet I'd never even heard of before, a planet with perpetual springtime and endless daisies of joy and goodness. That would be good. Just as long as it had a toilet. I thought of all the space cake I'd consumed, and wondered perhaps if my stomach queased from something other than love.
I fell asleep or something, because I woke up when Xlormp prodded me with a prodding flipper. I opened an eye. Then I opened another eye. Then I had two eyes open.
"Are we there yet?" I yawned. I hoped so because I could sure do with getting out of this crazy girl-slave union ritual garb, and also I wanted to wriggle around with Xlormp in our new married state.
But Xlormp shook his head and said, "No, we are not yet there, we have to do some more traveling." I ugged with disappointment at this, but I let him take my hand into his flipper and lead me off the ship. I looked at my surroundings for clues about the planet I was now on, but it appeared startlingly similar to Earth. Lots of planets are like Earth, I guess. But this was a particularly airport-ish part of this Earth-like planet. You'd think other planets would have other forms of transportation. But I guess they don't.
"We have to get on an airplane now," Xlormp explained greenly.
"And then we will be there?" I asked humanishly.
"More or less," Xlormp confirmed impishly.
So we got on a plane. And we flew on a plane. And we landed, and then we got on a bus. And the bus drove us to a boat. And we got on the boat, And the boat took us to another spaceship, and we flew in that spaceship and landed. When we landed, we were greeted by a nice man named Hankerston who took us on a hike through some formerly uncharted wilderness. This took us to a cart pulled by a new, fairly nice man named Wilfred, and he pulled us to another busstop where we got onto a red bus that drove us to another airport. We flew on another plane to a new boat, rode that boat to yet another bus, and then, finally, we got off the bus and Xlormp said, "We are here!"
I looked up at our romantic destination, which turned out to be a hotel called "Hotel De La Hotel".
"Um, Xlormp?" I spoke cautiously.
"Yes, my beautiful human spectacle?" He was smiling quite grandly. He appeared to be quite pleased about things.
I took a deep breath. "This is the hotel two blocks away from where I live."
Xlormp nodded emphatically. "I know!" he all but shouted.
"So, I guess I'm just curious why it took us all that traveling to get here?"
"Because," Xlormp stated, lifting a sincere flipper to accent his point, "it was a surprise."
I glared at him.
"Admit it. You're surprised."
I breathed in some air. "I suppose surprise is among one of the many emotions I am circulating through, yes."
"Huzzah!" Xlormp clapped happily, wrapping me in an enticing yet annoying hug. "I'm so pleased, Frig! I'm pleased that I could indeed surprise you on our honeymoon!"
I had words to say, but I didn't say them. Xlormp lifted me in the air, carrying with him all of the bags we had dragged along on our journey across all of creation, and took me up to our hotel room.
It took me a good half hour to stop seething with how ridiculous the last day or so of my life had been, what with all the needless traveling. During that time, Xlormp gave me a brief explanation of what had to take place during the girl-slave consummation ritual. I listened to about half of it. Okay, maybe I listened to about a sentence of it, but come on, it would be sexy, how bad could it be? So when Xlormp had finished his speech and asked, "I have to ask, for the paperwork, if you are one hundred percent okay with everything I have described," my answer was simply, "Hells yes."
And then Xlormp took me in the most manly fashion an alien that is not entirely a man could possibly take a human female.
I awoke the next morning in the most begrudging way possible. My eyelids were practically punching my face in an attempt to stay shut. But I forced them open because I am just that awesome.
I gave my body a tentative stretch. It ached in achey protest. I told it to shut up and get over it. Last night had been pretty freaking intense. I mean, Xlormp and I have done some crazy stuff in the past, but none of it involved a bag of supplies before. This time, there were all sorts of props and liquids to consume and costumes to wear...it was all very ritualistic and special. I'd never been more epically blissed out in my whole existence. I wanted to do it again. Right now, actually.
"Hey, Xlormp," I sputtered morningishly to the alien snoozing sleepily at my side. "Wake up. We need to bust out the plunger again."
Xlormp made a snorting noise, then he spat something slimy at the ceiling. As he forced himself into awakeness, I took note of the number of his limbs strewn around the tiny hotel room. I think it was a record. He'd have a lot of fun re-attaching those, let me tell you.
Eventually, he regained consciousness. And he looked at me. And he appraised me. And he considered me. And then he screamed at me.
I was confused.
"What?" I demanded. "Do I have snot on my face?"
"FRIG," he exclaimed all capslock-y, "I AM A TERRIBLE DUDE."
The words he screamed did not make any sense to me. "Xlormp, that does not make any sense to me," I said.
"FRIG, LOOK AT YOUR FOOT," he proceeded to screech loudly.
I looked. It appeared that somehow in all the craziness last night, I had lost the pinky toe on my left foot. "Well, how about that?" I said.
"I AM THE EVILEST BEING EVER TO CRAWL INTO EXISTENCE. I SHOULD BE BOUND TO THE TALLEST TREE AND HUNG VIGOROUSLY."
"Will you quit talking in all caps?" I bemoaned. "Look, it doesn't even hurt. See?" I prodded experimentally at my missing toe stub. It really didn't hurt.
"YOU ARE INJURED AND I SUCK SO BAD IT'S INSANITY."
I sighed deeply and gave up on him. If he was just going to sit on his bed and yell about how much he sucked, I was going to brush my teeth, because I had pretty nasty morning breath. I pushed him a little as I got up, leaving him screaming and sulking on his side of the bed.
I groggily and irritatedly made my way to the bathroom, where I picked up the complimentary toothbrush and spread some complimentary toothpaste on it. I shoved the brush in my face and raked it across my teeth many times in order to clean them. As I did this, I noticed something odd. There was no obscenely minty smell invading my nasal cavities. Leaning my head out the door, I yelled, "Hey, Xlormp, I can't smell anything," my mouth full of toothpaste spit.
Xlormp sat up on the bed. For a moment, he remained blissfully silent. Then he yelled, "YOU HAVE A MISSING TOE AND YOU CAN NO LONGER SMELL. WHY DON'T YOU JUST CHAIN ME TO A JETLINER AND CRASH ME INTO A BUILDING??"
I rolled my eyes. Xlormp's conniption fit did nothing to endear this wedding thing to my heart. What a sucky honeymoon I was proving to have.
So, guys, you may have noticed this book is turning out to be a nocturnal book. I appreciate your patience with this. I also realized that not many of you know that I do not actually have the Internet at my home, so I am at the mercy of nice people who will let me borrow their Internet to upload these chapters. Although that excuse is not valid for today. Today real life kicked my ass all up and down the emotional ladder of angst. BUT IT'S OKAY. I wrote you a chapter anyway. Because I love you.