Chapter 9, "SPOILER: Xlormp is a Space Alien"
When Xlormp was nervous, his flippers sort of twitched and his antennae wiggled in a rhythmic pattern. I was fighting an intense urge to throw him to the ground and make sweet, slimy love to him right then and there.
But I knew something was on his mind. I knew this because he had told me, not minutes earlier, that there was something on his mind.
"Frig, I wonder..." he said, spasming slightly from nerves.
"Do you? Do you wonder?"
"Yes, I wonder. I wonder things. In particular, Frig, I wonder...if you've ever thought about...me."
I pondered. "What about you?" I asked. I wanted to shriek, OF COURSE I THINK ABOUT YOU, EVERY MOMENT THAT PASSES IN TIME YOU ARE THE ONLY THOUGHT THAT CONSUMES MY THOUGHTS...OF WHICH THERE IS ONLY ONE AND THAT IS OF YOU...SO REALLY IT'S ONLY ONE THOUGHT...BUT YOU GET THE IDEA. But I didn't. I couldn't.
"I wonder..." Xlormp continued wondrously, "...if you've given any thought...to what I am."
He turned his five eyes meaningfully to mine. I guess spaceships sort of steered themselves, and you didn't really need to look at the road, because Xlormp wasn't really looking at the road.
"Uh...aren't you a space alien?" I gestured randomly.
"Besides that," he proliferated. "Any other guesses?"
"Hmmm...er...no, I'm pretty sure you're a space alien."
He sighed. "Well, I have a secret, Frig, as I previously told you in a previous conversation, A secret I have told to no other living soul, or any dead soul, or even to any soulless things."
My ears perked up as if I were a puppy or something. I liked secrets, they were so...so...secretive.
"Yes, Xlormp?" I uttered. "What is your secret?"
He let go of the spaceship steering wheel, his eyes practically boring five eye-shaped holes into my skull. "My secret," he whispered in a soft way that was so quiet, I had a hard time hearing him, "is that..."
He sighed deeply. "I'm a space alien, Frig."
The silence that followed was so quiet that I could feel it drilling into my earholes. I wondered if Xlormp, with his ear-like sucker appendages, could also feel the silence hurting.
"Aren't you going to say anything, Frig?" he spoke, shattering the silence like an ice pick shatters ice. "I know this must come as something of a shock to you."
I shook my head. "No, I pretty much knew you were a space alien."
Xlormp raised his head-shaped thing. "You - you did?"
"Yeah, um, pretty much everyone that's ever met you knows that. Actually, most people don't know anything else."
"Oh. So, I'm not doing a good job of blending in?"
He was so adorably stupid. "No, sweetie," I murmured, patting his flipper soothingly. "You're green, you have antennae, and you're kind of slimy."
"Most humans aren't."
"But it's okay, I love you with all of my heart and soul for no good reason anyway!"
Xlormp stood up angrily. "That is terrible!" he wafted.
"Terrible?" I repeated.
"Yes," he replied.
"Why?" I questioned.
"Because, you see, my clan and I are plotting world domination."
My heart sank like a crappy boat with lots of holes in it. "Is that why you're not in school very much?"
"Yes, every time I am gone, those are the times my family and I get together to plot world domination and play foosball."
I imagined a family of space aliens. I wondered, did they all look as enticingly alluring as Xlormp? I didn't know if my tiny brain could handle all of this imagining.
"Anyway, Frig, the point is, you should probably just get out of this spaceship right now, because you probably shouldn't be in love with a being that wants to see your home planet sizzling like a sizzly thing, and also, we're at your house."
I felt my eyes to see if they were moist. They were. That meant I was crying. What a wussy baby I was proving to be. "Fine," I said firmly. "I will get out of the spaceship. But I will never stop loving you."
Xlormp excreted something weird, and I tried not to think about it. "Just so long as you aren't surprised if you wake up one morning and you're no longer alive."
I nodded miserably, and waited to be beamed down.
When I arrived seconds later in the living room, Lou was tuning a banjo.
"Ah, there you are, you little scamp!" He yammered. "I found this under the monkey bars at the park, want to form a rock band with me?"
I shook my head, fighting back angry tears of sadness and stabbing pain.
"'Tis your own loss, oh wee one!" And he twanged at the strings, his twanging producing some sort of sound that wasn't music. Now I was crying from heart pain and also ear pain.
I ran to my box room, slamming the door (which was ineffective as it had no frame to slam into, so it just sort of swung pitifully back and forth). I needed to be alone with my thoughts.
There were three thoughts I was thinking, that I was absolutely positive were accurate thoughts: One, Xlormp was a space alien. Two, there was part of him, and probably it was all of him, that wanted to blow up my planet. And three, I was really, really hungry for quesadillas.
Okay, dudes, it's time to announce the very awesome winner of the one and only Official Xlormp Action Figure Doll Thing in existence!
Before I announce this person, I really want to say thank you to everyone that's said nice things about this story so far. See, I always find what I write to be brilliantly hilarious, and I'd live contently being the only one who thinks that. But I guess you guys are made of pieces of my brain or something. Whether you meant your kind words from the very depths of your soul, or you were only saying them because I bribed you, it still means a lot to get positive feedback on this thing. In fact, I'm starting to fear the lack of negative feedback might start going to my head soon, so maybe you guys should say some mean things about this chapter.
ANYWAY. I drew a name last night, and it was a very dramatic and involved process that consisted of a lot of scribbling and fretting and eventually handing the bag of names to my friend and saying "YOU DO IT" because I was so worried my mere thoughts would bias the results. I really wanted everyone to win.
So without any (further needless) ado...
...the winner is...
Congratulations and high fives forever!
Send me an e-mail at chewbobington at gmail dot com with your address and any other pertinent information, and I will totally send Xlormp your way.
Thanks, everyone, for playing! There should be another Official Xlormp Action Figure Doll Thing created soon, and that one will probably be for sale. Also, I'm working on the pattern for those of you who also knit.
And this malarky bananas has gone on long enough. THE END.
Catch up with the chapters you may have missed somehow!