Chapter 4, "In Which I Continue to Have a Wedding"
Everyone in the entire room gasped audibly. I heard the gasping with my ears and I must admit, I did some gasping myself. And the reason everyone was doing all this dang gasping involved the girl who had just walked through the doors.
"Christopher!" I snorted with intense happiness. I hadn't seen her in months, she disappeared after we had this big fight and anyway, it didn't really matter because here she was.
"Hey, Frig," she said casually, walking briskly down the aisle to approach the alien official. She nodded at her family as she passed them. "Dad. Hector."
I noticed that she didn't seem very happy. She wasn't smiling at all. And that struck me as odd, because everyone else seemed pretty freaking pleased about today. She didn't even hug me when she got close enough, which is really strange, because usually she squeezes me so hard I can't even breathe, and it's pretty uncomfortable, and actually I was okay with the lack of hug.
"I have something to say," Christopher said when she came to a stop, turning to face the crowd.
I tried to wave at her, but since her back was to me, she didn't see it. I felt something burning on my hand, and with a small yelp, I pulled it away from Xlormp's flipper. One look at Xlormp explained the pain. He was seething with anger, causing him to sweat poison.
Christopher cleared her throats. "Listen, everyone," she announced loudly and robustly. "I know a lot of you are here to celebrate love and happiness. But the truth is, the town of Spatulas has a secret. This town is not as innocent as many of you may believe."
Oh my goodness gracious. I couldn't believe my ears. Was Christopher actually going to...tell everyone? About the Zmeephish-Quians?
"In actuality, this town is full of..." she took a deep breath. I looked upon the faces of the crowd, each one rivited by Christopher's tale, as if she had affixed their butts permanently to their seats with some super sticky butt adhesive.
"This town is full of aliens." There. She said it. I squirmed miserably. I could see Xlormp raising a slapping flipper, and Klaxie managed to grab him and put a stop to it.
The aliens on Xlormp's side of the room all seemed to shift with discomfort, their secret revealed at last. For a moment, everyone was silent.
Then, a girl I recognized as Lexington, the bitch who'd been nothing but craptastic to me all through high school, and to tell you the truth I have no idea what she was doing at my wedding, anyway, she stood up and said, "Well, duh."
Christopher made an alarmed face. "What?" she asked with curiosity.
"Of course they're aliens. Look at them. They're green and slimy and covered in tentacles. Do you really think we're so stupid that we'd never figure it out?"
The crowd mumbled with agreeing noises. I heard someone say, "Yeah, it was pretty obvious," and another say, "It's not like they're hiding it well." Lou and Mr. Haberdash both stood up, yelled, "PINEAPPLE SAUSAGE WRAPS!" and high-fived before sitting back down.
Christopher seemed quite flustered by now. "So, you're telling me you don't see anything wrong with Frig marrying an alien? Who's just going to turn her into a mindless, beeping girl-slave?"
Lexington shrugged. "Hey, man, everybody's got their something," she said, and I watched in slack-jawed amazement as she winked at Hector 2.0.
No way. Lexington had a thing for Hector 2.0? Ha, well, I thought, good luck getting him over his thing for me.
Christopher crossed and uncrossed her arms, opened and closed her mouth, snorted and un-snorted her nose. Then, finally, she turned to face me for the first time, defeat written all over her face. Only it was written in invisible ink because I couldn't actually see any words on her face.
"Frig," she said softly, so that only I (and probably Xlormp and maybe even the official) could hear, "is this really what you want? Are you really going to be happy this way?"
My first thought was to say, "Of course, are you crazy? Look at this alien, he's perfection in slime form!" But the way Christopher was gazing at me, so seriously, so concerned, so passionately, so incredulously, I actually stopped to think about what I was doing for a little while. I thought about everything I'd been through with Xlormp. I thought about how irritated he made me when he said stupid alien things about how pathetic I was. I thought about how he slapped me all the time instead of telling me the truth. I thought about that one time he wouldn't let me out of my room.
And then I thought about how sad he had been when he was away from me. I thought about how he'd stopped Mr. Leader from sucking my brains out that one time. I thought about how sometimes when no one was around he would stick my leg in his mouth, all the way up to the knee, and do things I couldn't even describe with it. And that's when I knew. I knew for a fact, for a hundred and eleventy-billion percent, that I was making the right choice.
"Yes," I asserted firmly, "I am happy." Christopher studied my eyes momentarily, and I guess she found what she was looking for because she leaned in, kissed me gently on the cheek and held me in a brief hug. Then she said, "Okay. Then go and be happy." And she left.
I was a little pissed that she wasn't even going to stay to watch the rest of the wedding or to have space cake after, but whatever, I guess when you're a rogue alien hunter, business takes up a lot of your time.
"Okay, well, now that that's over, can we carry on?" Mr. Alien Official sternly voiced.
"Um, I still had something I wanted to point out," Klaxie sputtered.
"Klaxie," I growled fiercely at him, "if you say one thing about stupid babies, then I will totally rip at least five of your limbs off." Xlormp nodded as if to say, "I will totally let her, too, and maybe I'll even tear off the rest," and Klaxie backed down and shut up.
"Okay, good," Official McAlienHead said. "Then by the power invested in me by the planet of Zmeephish-Q, I now pronounce you alien and wife. You may kiss the human."
Everyone went totally apeshit, clapping and whooping and cheering like crazy cheering banshees. Some would tell me later how that moment served as a triumph for intergalactic couples everywhere, and would go down in history as such. But I totally didn't care. Nor did I notice anything other than Xlormp wrapping me ever tighter in his slime folds.