Chapter 3, "In Which I Have A Wedding"
"You have to hold still or it's going to leave burn marks on your scalp," yammered the pale green alien Xlormp had hired to do me up in traditional girl-slave ceremony style. I couldn't tell exactly what he was doing, because they wouldn't let me anywhere near a mirror, but it felt sort of like I had baby eels loose on my head. In other words, not particularly pleasant. Also, my hairdresser didn't speak very good Earthling, his Zmeephish-Quian accent was thick. It made him very difficult to understand, as almost every other word came out as a high-pitched beep.
Needless to say, grump levels were high today. The day of my wedding. Because my wedding was today. My marriage to a space alien. A space alien named Xlormp.
Just then, Xlormp, the space alien to whom I was getting married today, the very same, well anyway he marched through the doors of the room in which I was seated. Even though I'm pretty sure future husbands are totally not allowed to see their future wives/girl-slaves before the wedding. Which never really made sense to me because unless you're having an arranged marriage, you have to see each other at some point prior to nuptials, right? In theory? Unless you're invisible?
Anyway. Xlormp was all, "Oh, my alien deity! You look incredibly adorable and human-like!"
"Could I see what I look like, maybe, at some point? I feel like crop circles are forming in my hair."
Xlormp had tears in his eyes. "You look beautiful," he said, sniffling a little. I saw some snot forming in his alien nose gland. It was gross.
"Dude, you're supposed to be downstairs, not looking at Frig," came a voice from outside the door. A flipper not belong to Xlormp appeared on Xlormp's shoulder region.
"Oh, goodness me, you are correct in your assessment." He shot one more teary glance at me, blew me a slime-covered kiss, and made his exit. I sighed with deepness. Even though it was entirely his fault I probably wouldn't have a head within the hour, he was still the most unspeakably breathtaking assembly of cellular molecules ever to do anything at all. I thought of happy things like making out with Xlormp in the privacy of our own honeymoon suite on some deserted planet. The thought was pretty awesome and filled me with happiness and desire.
Just then, an alien entered the room, the alien attached to the voice that previously told Xlormp to vacate the premises. And the alien was Schmeertz.
"How's it dangling, Frig?" he pondered feverishly.
"How's it hanging," I corrected him with bluntness.
"Oh, it's going pretty good for me, actually," he harmonized smugly, completely missing my point. "I thought I would do Xlormp a favor and take over your ceremonial preparations."
I gawked astoundedly at him. "What?" I said whatily. The thing is, Schmeertz has this history of wanting me to die horribly, so the thought of him being in charge of the baby eels on my head did not strike me as ideal.
But Schmeertz seemed oblivious to my what. He waved at the hair mauling alien. "Hey, Phlarxbeaux," he demanded demandingly, "let me see that sleegingdoo. I got it from here."
My hairstylist, now identified as Phlarxbeaux, made several beeps in obvious protest, but Schmeertz eventually punched him in the face and knocked him out, so he didn't have to worry about it anymore.
I will be the first to admit that having Schmeertz wielding a sleegingdoo over my head terrified the spleen out of me. But after five minutes passed and I was not dead, I grew suspicious.
"Schmeertz," I whispered casually and not with a mouthful of fear, "I can't help but notice how alive I am."
Schmeertz chuckled laughingly. "Oh, that. It's this thing I'm trying."
I paused. "The thing is not killing me?"
"Right. I'm in this program where you follow these steps and one of the steps involves not killing your fellow aliens' future girl-slaves." He did something that made my left ear go numb.
"So...instead of killing me, you're doing my hair?"
"One of the other steps is making amends."
I nodded. Or I would have if it wouldn't have felt akin to wrenching my head off of my neck.
Half an hour of torture later, I had my hair done, my traditional future girl-slave garb on, and a bundle of weird-smelling flowers in my hands. When I looked in the mirror, I couldn't believe how weird I looked. My hair actually spelled out some Zmeephish-Quian word I couldn't read, and apparently I was wearing a floor-length, neon blue burlap sack. "Freaked out beyond all imaginable measure" does not even begin to cover it. This is the last time I agree to marry anything, I said to myself.
Then I saw Lou, in his adorable tuxedo that he'd fashioned for himself out of old jeans and trash bags, and I felt a huge lump of feelings form in my throat. I kind of wished that he still had his sane brain for this moment. A tear slid out of my eye and down my cheek, and totally without my permission, either. I silently told my other tears they better watch it, or they'd be doing push ups later.
Lou took my arm, his bright eyes shining with pride. Did he know what was going on? If the answer was no, it would make me sad and depressed, so I decided the answer was in fact yes, yes, Lou did know what was going on. And he was very happy about it. Even though I looked ridiculous.
He walked me through the doors of the Haberdash's ballroom (because the Haberdashes have a ballroom), and there it all was, in gut-wrenching reality: my wedding. It was covered in slime and rainbows, the whole place. It seemed to radiate love, happiness, and global takeover. I wanted to cry. For more than one reason.
As I walked with Lou down the aisle, I gazed at Xlormp at the other end, standing with Klaxie and Schmeertz, his grooms-aliens. On my side were Candy (Schmeertz's girl-slave) and Tabitha, my human friend who seemed really excited to be my bridesmaid even though I only asked her so that I wouldn't look unpopular for having no friends of the female persuasion. Other than the one who wasn't here today, I mean, but I didn't particularly want to think about that.
I can't imagine what the human guests must have been thinking, sitting in a room full of aliens. They were probably thinking, "Holy crap, are any of them single? How do I get me a piece of that slimy action?" I know that's what I was thinking anyway. And then I remembered that I was already dating one, heck, I was marrying one, right now, in fact. So if any of the other aliens were single it totally wouldn't have even mattered. Unless I could convince Xlormp...but anyway. Those were thoughts for another time.
Before I knew it, I'd made it to the end of the aisle and I stood in front of Xlormp, whose eyes were full of space tears and I could tell he'd already lost one eye from all his pitiful blithering.
"We are gathered here today to witness the union of Friggen' Q. Gorgeous and Xlormp B. Winston," spoke an official looking alien I recognized from my court case not too long ago. He rambled on and on about love and the sanctity of marriage and a little legalese about the girl-slave process and how Zmeephish-Q would not be held responsible for anything that may go wrong, but I was barely listening. I kept looking at Xlormp, and he kept looking at me, and we kept looking at each other, and it was this whole looking thing and it was very intense. And it seemed like if we looked at each other long enough, maybe all these damn people would go away and I could just dive into his slime folds and roll around and maybe he would suck on my toes a little and it would be awesome.
But that isn't what happened. What did happen was that the official alien dude made the mistake of saying, "If anyone has any reason why these two should not be wed or joined as alien and girl-slave, speak now or deal with it." Which is when I noticed Klaxie tapping Xlormp on the shoulder and clearing his throat.
Xlormp jumped in surprise. "Not right now, Klaxie, I'm getting married."
"Yes, I know that," Klaxie sputtered awkwardly, "It's just that...um...I would like to..."
I couldn't believe it. Did Klaxie have a reason Xlormp and I weren't perfect for each other? Because if he did, I would totally kick him in the tentacles.
"Yes, Klaxie, do you have something to say?" Mr. Official Alien Pants asked him in a really obnoxious way, obnoxious because whatever the hell Klaxie had to say totally didn't matter. He was probably going to bitch about babies and Monica and he could just cook his opinion with bird guts and shove it right back in his face hole.
But Klaxie approached the stand and said, "Yes, I would like to say something." He cleared his throat, nervous slime pouring from his flippers, and opened the aforementioned face hole.
Which is when the doors burst violently open and a red-haired voice said, "Excuse me, everyone, but I have something to say."
Sorry for the lateness of the chapter!