The Most Popular Book in the Whole World (xlormp) wrote,
The Most Popular Book in the Whole World

Chapter Two, "Dealing With Klaxie's Coping Mechanism"

The Most Incredible Work of Literature in the Entire Cosmos

Chapter 2, "Dealing With Klaxie's Coping Mechanism"

"I'm sick of looking at wedding crap," I moaned to Xlormp, once I managed to get him away from the table Klaxie had us practically chained to. "Can't we just tell Klaxie we want to go make out instead?"

Xlormp considered this for a moment. His alien brow furrowed with intense thought. Then he said, "That would probably make him very sad."

I knew what that meant. That meant no. I loved Klaxie and everything, it's just that when the dude's at your house every day trying to tell you things about your impending ceremony, you kind of want to punch him in the face.

"Well, at least the rehearsal's tomorrow and then the wedding is the next day and then this will all be over." I grappled for Xlormp's slimy flipper and pressed it to my bosom. "And I will be your girl-slave, and the Blobbersons won't have anything to bitch about, and Lou will get his pets back, and we will be one big, happy, slimy, crazy family."

"Yes," Xlormp nodded, licking my hair. "This plan sounds most satisfactory."

See, the Blobbersons are only holding Lou's pets until I'm a girl-slave, and they stipulated the length of two months' time for that to happen, so the wedding plans were a little rushed because Xlormp refused to marry me in my girl-slave state, and really, I don't know why we're going through these shenanigans at all except that the wedding is also incorporating some ancient alien/girl-slave union rituals which are very important and would need to be done anyway, so why not do it in front of all of our closest friends and family while also declaring our love for one another? But two months of solid wedding planning wears on you, even if Klaxie is doing all of it and I'm mostly just grumping that he's intruding on my and Xlormp's special time together.

I gave Xlormp a few furtive fondles, which he responded to with much eye goggling, before grasping my arm and saying, "Probably we should go back and make sure Klaxie is okay and pretend to be interested. And by 'we' I mean 'you', because I'm going to go to the kitchen and prepare some chips and dip and bird guts for us to snack on."

I sighed a heavy sigh. I could argue with Xlormp, but that would just result in slime slaps and I wasn't in the mood right now. He slithered off to the kitchen and I dragged my unwilling feet back into the living room to continue subjecting myself to last minute cake decoration and flower arrangement planning.

Klaxie grinned hugely when I entered, waving a single gloved flipper at me. "I thought I'd lost you guys!" he chortled sweetly. "Where is Xlormp?"

"Making snacks," I spat, trying to sound sweet and doting when really I wanted to staple Xlormp's face to the mailbox for abandoning me like that.

"Snacks are important," Klaxie mentioned, smiling a little too broadly at me. I nodded in order to assure Klaxie that he was not speaking useless things, even though he was.

I expected him to dive into seating arrangements and music selections, but instead, his eyes (all twelve of them) became glassy and intense, and he grabbed my hand sharply and crammed it dangerously close to a slime fold. I felt my personal space every so vaguely violated.

"Listen, Frig," Klaxie said, "I have to foreshadow a baby."

"What?" I boggled.

"I mean, I have to tell you a secret."

"Oh, okay, that's very different and far more acceptable. Proceed."

Still gripping my hand in a little too posessive a manner, Klaxie began flapping his speech orifice to produce sound waves that hit my ears and translated into words. "The thing is, Monica always wanted to have a human spawn, and she was human like you, and the other thing is, the Blobbersons made her become a girl-slave a little too soon, and the third thing is, once you're a girl-slave, being a mom is totally out of the picture since, you know, aliens and humans can't reproduce together."

"That's okay with me," I said solidly. "I think babies are nasty gross. Can I have my hand back, please?"

"And anyway the next thing is that even if you could have a baby with Xlormp, it would turn out pretty funky with some strange deformities, I bet," Klaxie carried on, unaware of my request for hand freedom.

"I see. Well, it's a good thing Xlormp and I always use protection."

"And the other other other thing is very important and it is this: Don't become a girl-slave. Have a baby instead."

He stared at me with such intensity, I feared his eyes might turn into penguins and waddle their way into my head.

"I don't want to-"

"It's what Monica would have wanted."

I cringed. I never really liked Monica all that much, to be completely honest with you. She was way prettier than me and that never felt right.

"I've got cheese dip!" Xlormp called from the doorway, saving me from another who-knows-how-many-minutes of awkward alien baby talk. Xlormp slimed his way into the room, setting down bowls of chips, dip, and bird guts, as previously promised.

"Oh, fantastically awesome!" Klaxie crowed, shoving an eager tentacle into the bird guts and cramming them into his slime folds. Listen, I'd watched lots of aliens eat lots of nasty things, but I never really got used to it. I wondered if it wouldn't gross me out as much when I was a girl-slave. Or, in Xlormp's case, I wondered if it wouldn't turn me on as much.

"So, what sort of boring things were you guys talking about?" Xlormp asked with his vocal chords.

Klaxie shook his head approximation. "Absolutely nothing worth repeating!" He smiled, then winked at me with half of his eyes. I glared back at him, hoping my eyes conveyed what I was thinking in my thoughts, which translated roughly to, "Screw you and your stupid baby idea, I hope my ovaries spontaneously combust."

** ** **

Chapter List

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