Chapter 1, "Full of Exposition"
I'll kill him. I swear I will. I don't care if he's perfect and slimy and green and perfect, I'll kill him, and this time I mean it. There's only so much one can expect a girl to take, and in this instance the girl is me, and I have taken quite enough, you see.
"I won't drive that around Spatulas," I said out loud. (Spatulas, in case you have no idea, is the town I live in. It's very old.)
"You HAVE to!" exclaimed the aforementioned perfect slimy green perfect thing standing next to me. His name is Xlormp and I am in love with him. Also he is an alien. "I designed it just for you to drive and not die in."
"You didn't design it," I reminded him. "Mr. Haberdash designed it, and he's insane." I should explain that Mr. Haberdash is only recently insane, but actually that would be a lie because he's always been a little crazy. It's just that he's recently gotten his brain sucked out by Tallybonkers (those are more aliens but they are less attractive than Xlormp), so he's extra bazonkers.
"That's not the point," Xlormp countered, and I noted with gratitude that he did not slap me upside the head. "The point is that you don't have any way to get around and I don't want you walking these streets alone, they are dangerous and you are pathetic and weak."
Isn't he the sweetest thing ever? "But Xlormpcakes," I moaned pathetically and weakly, "it's a bright orange spaceship. And when you honk the horn it plays La Cucaracha. And it may be a little conspicuous. And it leaks oil all over the front lawn."
Xlormp snorted. "Conspicuous! Nonsense. Just don't go telling anyone it's a spaceship and they will never know."
"They will totally know." I pushed a button on the keyless remote, and the thing revved into spaceshipy action. "It hovers in midair."
Xlormp grabbed they remote out of my hand and prodded at the buttons with his flipper. "Well, if you go starting it like that, of course it's going to look like a spaceship!"
"Okay, but how am I supposed to drive it and not die in it if I can't even start it?" I stared him down. He didn't have a leg to stand on there. (Of course, that's because he really didn't have legs so much as he had flippers and tentacles, but that's beside the point.)
Xlormp sighed. "Okay, maybe we can talk Mr. Haberdash into toning down the hovering."
I smiled. "That would be much appreciated. Also see if it could be a little less orange."
I could tell Xlormp wanted to say something in response to that (I could tell because he opened his mouth as if to say something in response to that), but before he could do any such thing, we heard a voice call out across the lawn.
"Hey, lovebirds!" The voice said. "I've got seating charts!" The voice, incidentally, was attached to another slimy green alien, except this one had a slightly darker complexion and he was wearing a Hawaiian t-shirt and trousers. And his name was Klaxie and not Xlormp.
I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Frig, how do I surround myself with sexy aliens so I can be just like you?" Well, it isn't easy. First you have to find some aliens, then you have to fall in love with one of them. In case you haven't figured it out yet, the alien I'm in love with is Xlormp, not Klaxie, even though Klaxie is a pretty cool dude.
Anyway, we're totally getting married, me and Xlormp. He asked me to marry him and I said that yes, I would. Okay, well, actually, first I was very confused. Because I didn't know that aliens got married at all. Actually, I was expecting Xlormp to ask me if I wanted to be his girl slave, the answer to which is "hells freaking yes", but instead, he asked if I wanted to marry him. And the thing is, it's not that I don't want to marry him, it's just that I want to be his girl slave more. And then he explained that if we got married, he would totally turn me into his girl slave after, and everything would be perfect, and my knees melted like butter on a very hot surface and I said okay. Or, rather, I said yes. To the marriage question. And that's how it happened.
We broke the news to Lou, the hobo who's been taking care of me the past few years. Lou seemed pretty thrilled. Or anyway, he asked me if I'd seen his barbecue thong, and I took that as a positive reaction. Lou's been a little out of sorts since his beloved pets Larry, Limbo and Lamp were kidnapped by the Blobbersons. (More aliens. I know, I know, it's like Aliens: The Musical over here!) So then we told Mr. Haberdash the good news, and it turns out he was wearing Lou's barbecue thong, so we got that whole mess sorted out and everybody was really happy.
Except the thing is there's one person who wasn't happy, and now she isn't here, and that makes me sad. She used to live in the house that I am now living in, but she left unexpectedly one day and now no one knows where she is. It's very sad and depressing because her name is Christopher and she was my best human friend. My only human friend, really. My other closest friend is her brother, Hector 2.0, who used to be a human but now he is a robot. He's in love with me, too.
Man, life has sure gotten complicated since I moved to Spatulas!
Pretty much the only friend of ours to be really, truly excited about the impending wedding was Klaxie, who is simultaneously the Best Man and the Maid of Honor (since Zmeephish-Quians are part girl, a fact I try not to think of too often). He has taken to his job like an alcoholic takes to Jack Daniels, except he's less drunk about it.
"Should we go inside and take a look at these babies?" Klaxie inquired lovingly, clutching the rolls of paper to his slimy body with a blissful grin.
"Sure," I said reassuringly, and led the pack into the house.
As we walked through the front door, I was greeted by Charlie, our service robot. Formerly a hardcore metallic army weapon machine, Charlie had recently been reprogrammed to take care of household things while Christopher was away and the crazy people were in charge. I mean, I could clean up after one hobo in a building constructed entirely out of cardboard boxes. But asking me to do housekeeping for a whole secret alien hunting lair? Insanity! Make a robot do it! So that's exactly what we did. And his name is Charlie.
"Pleased to take madam's coat," Charlie clanked. Charlie was an older model than Hector 2.0, and therefore, super boxy-shaped. He held out a box-shaped hand to take my coat from me.
"I'm not wearing a coat, Charlie," I intoned gracefully.
"Oh it is my bad of course apologies miss," Charlie declared in apologetic monotone.
"Charlie never offers to take my coat," Xlormp bitched under his breath.
"That's because you're mean to him," I explained coolly. "He has a tender soul."
"He's a dang robot," Xlormp pointed out.
"Yes, but he still has feelings." I plopped my butt down on the couch while Klaxie spread his precious seating chart out on the coffee table. Xlormp snuggled up next to me, gently gnawing on my ear.
"Okay, so I was thinking that we would invite the Winstons, since they practically raised us, and set them over here with Mr. Leader," Klaxie pointed out. I nodded as if I gave a crap about what he was saying. I love Klaxie and all, but I just want to marry Xlormp and become a girl slave, and I really couldn't care less who watches. Or where they sit while they're doing it.
"Are those the seating charts?" Rang a particularly sweet metallic voice. "Where am I? Run program: Obsess About Wedding!" Hector 2.0 wheeled into the room to peer over Klaxie's shoulder. He's been giving himself upgrades here and there, particularly to his language center, in an attempt to better communicate his undying love for me despite his roboticness. I think he does it because he used to be human and hates the limited emotions that come with being made out of old trash cans. Oh, and this last upgrade, he gave himself wheels.
Klaxie covered up the pages with a couple slime covered flippers. "No peeking!" he cried. "You're sitting where you're sitting and that's the end of that!"
"Are you putting me near dad?" Hector 2.0 asked, his clear vocabulary still buzzing robotically through his voice box. "I would like to sit near dad."
Klaxie sighed. "You're going to be sitting near your dad."
"Hooray!" Hector 2.0 jubilated, wheeling around Klaxie and his charts to give me a robot kiss on the cheek. "I'm so glad you're marrying me, Frig!" he exclaimed, lights blinking on his chest.
"I'm actually marrying Xlormp, Hector."
Hector's eyes flashed red, beeping once in Xlormp's direction. Then he said, "Ha ha ha, I knew that! With my robotic brain!" And he wheeled quickly out of the room.
Klaxie sighed. "ANYWAY," he continued gruffly, "Schmeertz is going to be sitting as far away from the weaponry as possible, in this corner. He'll be sitting next to Candy and Monica and..." he trailed off, his tentacle hovering over the slime coated paper. No one said anything for a few moments. "I mean, Tabitha," Klaxie finished, giving a deep snurffle of his nose area.
I leaned over and patted Klaxie reassuringly on his back slime folds. Things have been pretty tough for him since his girl slave, Monica, got killed in a big fight not too long ago. That's one reason he'd dived headfirst into wedding planning. To not think too much about his own pain.
"I think I'll just work on these a little bit more before I get the final okay," Klaxie said, suddenly shuffling around frantically to roll up the papers and stand up. "I'll see you guys later."
Xlormp and I watched as Klaxie made his way to the door, told Charlie he had no coat, and left.
Chapter List is NOW!!
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