|Chapter Eight, "A Chapter With Xlormp In It" (AND A SURPRISE)
||[Aug. 8th, 2008|08:36 am]
The Most Popular Book in the Whole World
The Most Popular Book in the Whole World|
Chapter 8, "A Chapter With Xlormp In It"
The name tag collaboration understood that I couldn't actually drive my cardboard fairy wagon (which I'd actually lovingly named "Marcy") anywhere. So Jessica said she would drive, and I thought that was nice of her considering how much I loathed her existence.
Driving in a car full of girls was kind of obnoxious, because they were all loud, and Jessica and Lexington were almost prettier than me. That made me irritated, and I plastered a frown on my face just to make sure they knew how irritated I was.
Christopher noticed the frown. "Why are you frowning, Frig?" She asked.
"Because I am irritated," I explained importantly.
"Oh," Christopher whispered.
And then we were at our destination! How convenient! We piled out of the car in front of a shabby looking store called "Things You Don't Need". Hmm, I thought to myself, I guess they weren't lying.
Lexington clapped her hands happily. "I love this store!" She said boringly.
"Me too!" Tabitha agreed pointlessly.
"I also enjoy patronizing this establishment!" Jessica chimed in.
I waited for Christopher to also agree, since it seemed to be the "thing," but I noticed she was frowning.
"Christopher?" I said, "Do you like this store?"
"I would if I weren't so irritated like you," she said.
Great. A copy cat. I friggen' hate copy cats. They copy everything you do, and that is dumb and unoriginal. I ignored Christopher's copy cattish nature and waltzed into the store as if I were in a play or something where everyone waltzed. Everyone followed me and that meant I was the coolest.
The store was full of completely useless things, like balls of lint, rusty silverware and 8-tracks. Jessica skipped happily over to a shelf of used toothbrushes, and held one up. "Look at this!" she yelled loudly, and so I did, I looked at it with my eyes.
"It is a used toothbrush," I confirmed hastily.
"A red used toothbrush!" she babbled gleefully. "Should I get it?"
"Why? Who would buy that?"
"You're right," she muttered, face falling. "I'll get SEVEN."
I sighed heavily. Watching these girls blow their money on pointless things was not helping me keep my mind off of Xlormp. I tried to imagine what he would say about someone buying used toothbrushes.
"It's absolute malarky bananas!" I imagined. Except...did I imagine it? I could have sworn I heard his voice, as if it were near me! Amazing! I quickly turned my head from side to side looking to see if maybe he was near me like I thought, but he was nowhere to be seen.
I tapped Tabitha on the shoulder.
"Tabitha," I sputtered.
"Yes?" She responded.
"Did you hear someone say 'it's absolute malarky bananas'?" I questioned.
"Nooooo..." she said, indicating I might be crazy.
Which is totally true. I might be crazy. CRAZY IN LOVE WITH A SPACE ALIEN.
"Hey, Tabitha, listen, I've...got to go floss my teeth in another store," I made up quickly, hoping she would buy it.
"Oh! I need to do that, too!" She said, dropping the bag of pineapple stalks she'd been carrying. "I'll come with you! I don't really need these, anyway."
"No, no!" I said, swiftly throwing my hand up in front of her face. "This is something I have to do...alone." I winked at her knowingly, hoping maybe she'd think I meant something by it when really I meant nothing at all.
She nodded. "Oh, I get it!" Her mouth curved upward into the telling semi-circle that was a smile.
Good, I thought, she bought it. Not the pineapple stalks, but my story.
Waving at her as if I were happy and her friend, I left the store to see if I could find the speaker of the words that sounded like Xlormp.
But crap! There was something I didn't think of: It was nighttime, and nighttime is dark! So it was dark outside, which meant I couldn't see anything very well.
"Xlormp?" I called hopefully.
There was no answer. I was bummed. I started to cry, sobbing loudly and obnoxiously, and some guy sitting on a bench nearby said, "Shh."
I stumbled around blindly, not sure where I should go now or what I should do. I couldn't go back into the store looking like this, everyone would think I have emotions! Instead, I decided to wander the dark, scary alley ways of this place I was completely unfamiliar with, because it seemed like a better plan.
Of course, I couldn't see where I was going, my eyes filled as they were with bitter tears of misery and angst, so I just sort of shuffled around pointlessly. When suddenly, I heard a loud noise.
It was a roaring noise. A noise like an animal would make. Maybe an animal like a bear, or a mountain lion, or a goat. I turned around slowly and not very fast, and there it was, a big, scary animal of some sort that I couldn't identify.
What was easily identifiable was it's giant, sharp, pointy teeth, ready to eat me.
"Crap," I sputtered, wiping my tears away and trying to see if maybe there was a builiding I could duck into, and what the hell was a scary animal thing doing in the middle of a city anyway? Did it escape from the zoo? From prison?
But there were no buildings, and the animal was gaining on me, and I was going to die, and it was going to suck, and then -
- I was being lifted into the air.
"What the-?" I said incompletely, when I realized it was a tractor beam, and I was being sucked up into a spaceship.
Instantly, my heart remained pounding the same speed of fastness it had been before, except that this time, it was pounding out of excitement rather than shattering fear, so that was good. If this was a spaceship, it could only mean one thing: Xlormp! Hooray! Hooray and awesomesauce!
Sure enough, when I was safely in the confines of the ship, I saw him, working the myriad of controls at the driver's seat.
"Xlormp!" I cried happily, my voice dripping with happiness. "It's you!" I ran across the control room to throw my arms around him.
"DON'T TOUCH ME!" He shrieked loudly.
I stopped abruptly. "Why not?" I asked, confused. Then I remembered something. "Are you sweating poison?"
Xlormp's eyes gave a tentative wiggle. "What? No. Who sweats poision? Not me. That's crazy propaganda."
"Is it because that weird animal thing was going to eat me? You are angry at it for almost killing me? You...you...love me?"
Xlormp's tentacles were swishing randomly around his head. "What nonsense are you uttering, Frig? I just want to get you safely back to your friends."
"Oh," I said sadly.
"Well, here we are!" He joyfully spoke.
"You were only two blocks away from them."
Perhaps it was the sadness radiating through my body. Perhaps it was the tears streaming down my perfect cheeks. Perhaps it was that he was hungry. But the next words out of Xlormp's mouth were, "Aw, screw it, you want a pizza?"
I shrieked a little too loudly, and Xlormp said, "Ahh! Loud!"
"Sorry," I apologized, "It's just that - yes, I would LOVE to get a pizza with you!"
"Neat," Xlormp said. He landed the spaceship with grace and poise and also with the control pad, and before I knew it, we were beamed in front of Pizza Palooza.
"It must be nice having a teleportation device," I said observantly.
"I don't have a teleportation device. I'd smack you for that, but there are still trace amounts of poison on my hand."
"So you DO sweat poison?"
"Incorrect. There is no poison on my hand."
I chose to let it go, because I was so distracted by his mind boggling beauty to care that he was being retarded.
We sat down at an empty table and a pimply dude about my age came over to us.
"Hi, would you like to try our special, anchovies and pineapple for $8.88?"
"No," Xlormp's gorgeous voice articulated, "I do not ingest food through any major orifices."
God, he was incredible.
The waiter seemed confused. "Um, well, do you...er...use your orifices, miss?"
"Yes, I do, and I'll have...whatever he's having." I pointed provocatively at Xlormp.
"Er...he's not having anything."
"Perfect," I whispered seductively.
"Frig, you really should consume some sustinance," Xlormp insisted. "The female earth creature will have your finest pizza, damn the costs."
The waiter seemed kind of confused still, nodded, and went to go fill our order.
"You shouldn't do that, you know," I said using my tongue.
"Do what?" Xlormp asked me.
He laughed in a weird, short, bursty sort of way. I almost melted.
"Why Frig!" He yelped, "Do I befuddle you?"
My face turned a bright pink I'm pretty sure as I blushed on my entire face.
"Xlormp, listen," I said, getting serious all of a sudden. "I've been thinking some things and that's difficult for me so I'd like you to hear what the things I'm thinking are."
He nodded. "Go ahead."
"First of all, I am thinking that maybe it's weird that you weren't in school but suddenly you are here."
"Well, you see," Xlormp began to clarify, "I was stalking you from afar."
I sighed. How romantic! Stalking me from afar!
"That's sweet," I sighed merrily.
"I know," Xlormp said, smiling a weird smile with two mouths. How had I not noticed his two mouths before?
"I had some other thoughts, too."
Xlormp's tail began creeping its way across the table, stirring inappropriate thoughts in my brain. "Yes?" He quivered.
"Well...I think you're a space alien."
He whipped his tail back, but he didn't seem as angry as usual.
"Hey, why don't we not talk about space aliens and instead ask each other inane questions for no reason?"
I chortled. "Um, okay...do you like spam?"
"Not really," he replied. "Anything else?"
"Yes. Are you a space alien?"
"Not that one. How about something like...do I prefer paper or plastic bags?"
I nodded. "Okay, do you prefer paper or plastic bags?"
"That question is irrelevant, I don't shop. Any other inquiries?"
This seemed like a stupid and pointless game, but I loved hearing Xlormp's voice, so I thought of more things to ask. "Have you ever seen a bird flying around at night and wondered if it was looking for its family?"
There was an uncomfortable pause, as I did my best to keep from leaping out of my seat and molesting him. Finally, he sighed deeply.
"Listen, Frig, you seem like a smart girl," he said. "And there's something I've been keeping from you. A secret, if you will. That's what you Earth people call something you don't tell someone else, right?"
I nodded, intrigued. What could his secret possibly be?
"But I don't think that here is the place to tell you," he continued in a linear fashion. "Why don't we go back to my space ship- I mean, car- and I'll tell you there?"
My heart skipped about eleven beats, even though that was probably medically impossible, at the thought of being alone with Xlormp in his spaceship again.
"Yes, okay!" I all but screamed.
Xlormp stood regally, or as regally as an alien could, and tossed some weird space money at the pimply waiter who had returned to bring us some water. "Keep the change," he said casually, and slithered out the door, gesturing for me to follow.
What a guy.
** ** **
AND NOW, THE THING YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR (OR AT LEAST THE THING I'VE BEEN PRETENDING YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR):
YOUR 8: 8-8-08 SURPRISE
"I recognized him immediately. He was easily recognizable because his skin was bright green and he had antennae."
Xlormp is happy to meet you
Yes, my children, do not attempt to adjust your eyes, for what you are seeing is real. I present to you, kind and gentle readers, the Official Xlormp Action Figure Doll Thing!
Xlormp communes with nature
PATTERN NOW AVAILABLE OVER HERE
The Official Xlormp Action Figure Doll Things includes many special features:
*Two type of appendage, webbed flipper hands and tentacles!
*Removable eyes (five of them) and appendages (eight of them)!
*Fully poseable appendages and antennae!
"It looked like he was starting to grow a new appendage, and the thought of what that appendage might be able to do made me feel all sorts of funny feelings on the inside."
Xlormp slithers through the deserts of Spatulas, shedding appendages as he goes
He is hand-crafted with love, and also yarn.
"I was staring deep into Xlormp's eyes. They were green, and he had five of them. I don't think I'd ever noticed before. Maybe some of them were new."
Xlormp defies Earth logic by growing eyes on his tentacles
It is very unusual
Perhaps you would like to take him home with you?
As of right now, there is only one Official Xlormp Action Figure Doll Thing available in the entire galaxy. I do have plans to make more, and
hopefully provide a pattern
HERE IS A PATTERN for those of you who possess knitting powers of your own. But for now, this little guy is it.
My original intention was to say, "GUYS PIMP THE HELL OUT OF THIS STORY AND THE ONE WHO DOES IT BEST WILL GET XLORMP", but I can't settle on a place in my brain where that doesn't feel sleezy in some way. So here's the deal: If you're enjoying this story, cracked out as it is, say something nice about it on your lj and link me to it. That's all! I'll put your name in a space hat and draw one of those names on Monday (8/11/08), and the winner will get the first ever Official Xlormp Action Figure Doll Thing for no monies whatsoever. (If you've already said something nice about this story on your lj, that totally counts! Just send me the link!)
I'd also like to throw at you some awesome things that some awesome people have made based on this story! THIS IS AWESOME AND I ENDORSE THESE PRACTICES WITH ALL OF MY BEING.
Some icons were made by malikmaniac:
Typical usage rules apply, no hotlinking and credit this fine human being!
(In case you were wondering, the default icon I've been using was lovingly crafted by jehnt!)
ALSO, opaleyes, who is probably the most amazing human to ever breathe oxygen, created a book cover for this ridiculous endeavor:
What I'm saying here is all of you dudes are awesome and I don't deserve any of you.
Catch up with the chapters you may have missed somehow!
A GIGANTIC 8: 8-8-08 THANK YOU TO EVERYONE THAT READS THIS CRAZY STORY.