Epilogue: Christopher Haberdash
Maybe putting her room next to mine had been a bad idea. Somehow, I'd managed to forget the fact that when her life wasn't in danger, she received nightly visits from the disgusting ball of slime she had chosen to date. I don't even want to talk about the sounds that come from that room at night. I'm thinking of asking for a transfer.
I mean, I guess it's all for the best, you know? She's still alive, she's still got full brain function, and how she chooses to use that brain is no business of mine.
GEEZ LOUISE, WHY DOESN'T SHE LIKE ME??
I slammed my fist down into my bedspread. Hector jumped.
"Noise is startling," he said in his weird new robot voice. I still wasn't used to it. I still looked into his eyes and saw my stupid brother. Just in a robot suit.
"Maybe you should go back to your room, then," I said. Granted, my tone may have been a bit bitchier than necessary, but it's not like Hector could pick up the inflections anymore. It's not like I could talk to him about my problems. And even if I could, my problems were just as big as his. I mean, even with all his reprogramming and stuff, he was in love with her, too.
It's not like I could talk to my dad about it, what with his brain getting turned into a bowl of brain stew. And even if he still had full control of his faculties, he hated me anyway. He'd always liked Hector better. I couldn't blame him, I guess. Dad never did care for people that didn't do every last thing he asked them to.
An icky slime slurp noise came from behind the wall. I fought back the gag reflex. Maybe they should have stayed in that plywood craphole. Maybe I should have just let dad move in with them, and I could have had this whole place to be alone in, accompanied only by robots. I could program them to talk to me, I'm sure of it. Dad's not the only one with hacking skills in this family.
Just the other night, Frig had given me the news. Xlormp asked her to marry her. She'd said yes. After a very long and convoluted clarification process, she says. Which means she's off the market. In a few months, her brain will be mush, too. I should give up. I gave it my best shot, right?
What if I hadn't? What if she's just waiting for me to barge right through that door, wrest her away from that slime-ridden alien, and carry her into my room to make inappropriate noises?
Speaking of inappropriate noises, I heard another one from the other rooom, and the image in my head shifted violently to a way more disgusting one.
Screw this. I don't know what I've been thinking. I don't know what I'll be thinking. If Frig wants the alien, she can have the alien. I certainly won't stand in her way. High school's over now. I've got better things to do with my life than pine over a woman who'll never love me the way she loves creatures from another planet.
I threw open the door of my room and made my way down the winding stairs to the basement. I'll show her. I'll show her just how other-wordly I can be. I'm going to take a little trip. I'm gonna see what's out there. Maybe I'll find my own alien love slave. That would really show her.
It was still parked right where I'd left it. I knew dad wouldn't be taking it out again any time soon. In fact, we should probably cut up his flying license and his driver's license, because I sure don't trust him behind the wheel of any vehicle.
I opened the door and climbed in, setting the disco ball to warp speed. Let Frig climb all over her disgusting alien. She'll change her mind when I get back.
Every Chapter You Could Possibly Want Except For Ones I Haven't Written Yet
Okay! So the third book is done! Dang. I cannot believe it has been three books already. And I don't mean that in the cheesy "OH I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S TUESDAY ALREADY" (because it's Sunday), I really do mean I can't believe I'm about to get to write the Breaking Dawn parody. I've been excited about this since I started the first book. I'm not going to tell you when book 4 is happening, because at the moment, I have no idea. I'll tell you when book 3 is available on Lulu.
But when will book 3 be available on Lulu? Well, I have an answer for that. It will be available on Thursday, April 30th. Which is kind of far away, but since I'm at the mercy of using other people's computers now due to my lack of Internet at home, I want to give myself plenty of time for it to not be horrible and for the bonus stuff to be awesome. Because I have some fun ideas for the bonus stuff this book, including some awesome stuff opaleyes has come up with. It should be lots of fun.
REASONS YOU SHOULD KEEP PAYING ATTENTION TO THIS JOURNAL BETWEEN NOW AND THEN: #1, I will keep posting Readers of the Day (Who are Awesome), which I kind of fell behind on this week but will more than make up for in the coming month (there are lots of you, and you are ALL awesome, and I want the world to know it). #2, that contest with signed stuff to win will be happening soon. Probably in the next few days. And since I am broke and jobless, how would you guys feel about me raffling stuff from my home? I feel sort of sleazy about it, but if there is interest in owning, say, my Mr. T keychain that has four catchy phrases programmed into it, who am I to turn you down?
THAT'S ALL. I'M OUT FOR NOW. Thank you times eleventy billion to everyone who reads, has been reading, has just started reading, has commented, has stayed hidden in the non-commenting shadows, or has been awesome. You are my favorite people ever.