The Most Popular Book in the Whole World (xlormp) wrote,
The Most Popular Book in the Whole World

Chapter Twenty-Seven, "Xlormp Says Some Things"

Only Slightly Better Than the Last Book

Chapter 27, "Xlormp Says Some Things"

When our rooms were all finished and we'd been moved in successfully, Christopher finally allowed Xlormp visitation rights. It was like she didn't want aliens in her house or something. Crazy. But I pointed out that he'd probably want to know about the Blobberson's note. He liked to know things like that, it made him feel special.

"Frig, I am worried for your happiness," he said slimily. I snuggled up in his tentacles, which were wrapped around me on my bed, which was in my new room, which had a fancy new sign on the door that said, "Xlormp Fondling Time. Keep Out or Suffer the Therapy Bill."

"I am happy now that we are together and there's no more scary stuff and I can wriggle between your flippers with no fear of memory loss," I explained wistfully.

"Yes, but you are sad about Lou. And you are sad about Klaxie. And you are sad about..." he paused, sucking in a deep inhalation through his alien breath sucker. "Christoper."

I nodded. "I guess I am sad about some things that are sad. But I'll get over it."

"But will you feel crappy about it?" He prodded sincerely.

I also took a deep breath, but I used my lungs. "I don't know. Maybe?"

"I don't want you to feel crappy. I'm supposed to be able to make you blissfully happy so that you'll do whatever I want and there won't be any crying involved." He said this, then he thought about what he said, and then he also said, "No, wait, I mean, I want you to be happy so that you are happy and it has nothing to do with me." He grinned and nodded. "Right?"

I socked him lightly in the nose area. "I'll be happy if I'm your girl-slave," I pronounced with precision, gripping tightly onto a tentacle. Perhaps I may have gnawed on it a little. There's no telling.

"I want you to be my girl-slave, too!" Xlormp whined needily. "Really bad! But...and this is difficult to say because I am not accustomed to giving a flying spaceship about human emotions...I only want you to be my girl-slave if you want to be my girl-slave."

"I'm pretty sure I just said I wanted to be your girl-slave," I said.

"Oh, hooray!" Xlormp jubilated, squeezing me tighter with his tentacles. "That way we won't have to take you back to trial."

"That will certainly make things easier on the court system," I mentioned with elegance.

"Probably so!" Xlormp agreed like a gentleman. A green gentleman.

"But anyway," I went on, thinking of things and feeling compelled to say them out loud, "you need to promise me that if I am your girl-slave, we'll get Lou's pets back. Because he's going to be all miserable without them. Just this morning he asked me if bacon liked to fly on planes. I think he's starting to slip."

Xlormp seemed confused. "Caring about your happiness means I have to care about Lou's happiness, too?"

I nodded with passion. "Yes, Xlormp. Because Lou is a cool dude. And if it weren't for him, I might not even have a brain to convert into a mindless alien follower."

His face wiggled oddly. "I guess that's a valid point. You are my little snudge-muffin."

I rolled that over a little in my head. "What the heck does that even mean?"

"I'm not sure, but it sounds cute and your hair follicles are cute, so I found it appropriate."

I nearly dissolved with blissful joy at my alien's words. What an exquisite stud muffin. What an unbelievably godlike excuse for a creature. I thrust my mouth into a slime fold and partook of its gleeful yields.

Xlormp snorted. "Frig, that tickles! And anyway, you should cut it out for a minute, I have more things to say."

I stopped, but it was really difficult and I want you to know it took a lot of powerful will power. I wiped my face. "What?"

"I was wondering if..." he ducked his head down, looking adorably bashful. I don't think I'd ever seen him like this before.

"What, Xlormpilator? What were you wondering?"

He shook his head, eye stalks wiggling goofily with the motion. "It's silly."

I patted him on the heavily-slimed left flipper, third one down. "Don't worry, I won't laugh. Or snort. Or even guffaw. I may titter. I am only human, you know."

He brought his eyes (all twelve and a half of them) to mine. "Friggen' Gorgeous, love of my life, winner of my slimy heart, ruiner of Earth explosion plans..." he grabbed my hand between a couple flippers and got down on one tentacle, quite an astonishing feat, considering how many he had. "Will you perform the Earth ritual of marriage with me?"

From somewhere in the depths of his slime, he produced a ring. It was gold, but where the diamond should be sat some sort of glowing green rock thing. It looked like it might be radioactive. It probably was.

I stared down at him, into his hopeful eyes, his loving eyes, his perfect and totally freaking attractive eyes. He was the only alien I could ever imagine fondling (well, except for this one dream I had about Xlormp, Klaxie and Schmeertz at the ice cream factory, but I'd kept that one to myself). I placed my arm on his approxomite shoulder area, and uttered a single three-letter word that would change my life forever.


The Rest of the Chapters

To make up for all the late chapters recently, how about an early Epilogue? It will be posted some time tomorrow, so you won't have to wait until Monday for it. Sound good? :)

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