Chapter 7, "In Which I Prove I Can Read"
Home was nice and all, and I was tired, so I told Lou it was time to stop licking raisins off the walls of my room so that I could sleep in private. He grumbled a little at me, gave me a suggestive grin which I ignored, then finally he left.
When I slept, I had a weird dream. I was at the zoo, only it wasn't really the zoo, it was actually my mom's house. My mom was there, and she was all, "I don't really know why you left, Frig," and I was all, "Mom, why is your head shaped like a microwave?"
Then suddenly, Xlormp was there, and he was gorgeous and my heart thumped like it always does when Xlormp is around and he held out some cotton candy and said, "Frig, I got this at the circus, do you want it?" and I said, "Not really, I'm diabetic," which is weird because when I'm awake I'm actually not diabetic.
Then Xlormp morphed into a moose and he galloped away into the distance and I ate some cheese fries that I found in a nearby locker and then I woke up.
It was really early o'clock and I felt like crap. What a crazy, bananas dream that was, I said to myself. I know, myself responded. Maybe I shouldn't have let Lou cook dinner.
Anyway, now that I was awake, all I could think about was Xlormp. He was a space alien and I loved him. Also, other than that, I loved him and he was a space alien. I thought about what Hector had said, about all that crazy world domination stuff, and the poisonous angry sweat, and wondered if it was true. Could Xlormp really want to rule the world?
No. Not my Xlormp. I mean, we hadn't really exchanged much in the way of real, meaningful conversation, but I knew him, the way a baby knows their mother's placenta, and I knew with my feelings that Xlormp would not try to kill me or poison me.
But just to be sure, I figured I'd do some research.
Lou didn't have the Internet in his cardboard palace. He didn't have a TV, either. Come to think of it, he didn't even have encyclopedias, the poor man's Internet. He did have one book, however. It was a cookbook he found once in the alley, he liked the pictures, so he brought it home.
I remember that day vividly, because it was the morning I went to Amazing Land, which, come to think of it, was yesterday.
I crept silently out of my cardboard room, because probably Lou was still asleep. He usually slept at night. Pretty normal of him, I thought. Once I had exited my room, I walked down the cardboard hallway and into the cardboard living room. I saw it right away, on our cardboard coffee table: Cooking With Ice Cream, An Erotic Recipe Book.
Picking it up cautiously, with trepidation, in case it would reveal truths I wasn't ready to face, I opened it to the first page. Over the course of several earth shattering and kind of disturbing hours, I read page after page of erotic ice cream recipes, and not a single one of them mentioned space aliens, bad or good or poisonous.
Well! That settled that, then, I thought happily to myself as I set the book back down carelessly. Xlormp is a good, non-murdering alien, and Hector could just take that and shove it up his nose. I decided to not worry about it at all and just blindly love Xlormp because that's what I was doing anyway, and why should some silly murmur about murder change that?
"Pshaw," I said aloud, just to confirm it vocally.
The next day I went to school because it was a school day. I was sitting around waiting for school to start, when Steve approached holding a portrait of me with a heart around it.
"Hi, Frig!" he said casually. "What a coincidence that you should be here, at the school we both go to! I just happened to see this at the store the other day and thought you might like it."
He handed it to me. It was the creepiest thing I'd ever seen. Why was he so into me? This was weird. Steve seemed to follow me everywhere, obsessing over my every move. I made a mental note that dudes that were creepy stalkers were not good dudes to date. Also, I should probably check into getting Steve's restraining order renewed.
"So anyway," Steve continued morbidly, "I was wondering if you'd want to go out with me tonight."
"No," I said sternly.
"Why?" he whined pathetically.
"Because I'm in love with Xlormp, why haven't you figured that out yet? Why don't you ask out someone else?"
"Someone else?" Steve vexed.
"Yes," I commanded.
"Who?" Steve asked curiously.
"Uh...Lexington, she could probably use someone being nice to her for a change."
Steve cringed. "I don't like Lexington."
"Well, you know, you win some, you lose some. Have a good day!" I stood up and ran quickly, tossing the portrait in the dumpster when I was out of sight.
Classes were nice and all, but I was mostly excited about lunch, and maybe seeing Xlormp again. But at lunchtime, Xlormp was not there! What the crap was up with him? Surely he had too many absences by now to pass the semester. He was going to get in trouble. Why couldn't he just come to school like a normal space alien?
Anyway, my day was ruined now.
The name tag gang obnoxiously tried to include me in their crew.
"Hey, Frig, we're going to buy things we don't need tonight!" Tabitha tittered. "Do you want to come with us?"
"What?" I said dismally. Life had no meaning, so why was she talking to me?
"Things. We don't need them. We're going to buy them," Jessica said blockily.
"Oh," I said disdainfully.
"Do you want to go?" Lexington asked. "It would be fun to prod you with a fork or something and spoil your evening."
My evening was already spoiled! Fork prodding could only make it better! Wait a minute, I thought to myself...maybe if I went and looked at things I didn't need, it would help me forget the thing I desperately needed, and that was Xlormp, right beside me, maybe licking my toes or something.
I nodded. "Sure, I'll go," I said.
Christopher let out a spasm of glee. "Hooray!" she cried, and wrapped me in a tight hug.
"Personal bubble, Christopher, we talked about that," I spoke soothingly.
"Right," she grimaced angrily, and released my body.
Catch up with the chapters you may have missed somehow!