Chapter 6, "The Most Amazing Day"
Xlormp's car turned out to be a spaceship (when I asked him why he drove a spaceship, he pinched my arm and called me a nutty loon), and it was really impressive for the whole three block ride. I asked what the heck, was I supposed to just leave my wagon at school? Xlormp guffawed and said no, he would pick it up with his spacesh- erm- truck, and telepo- uh, haul- it back to Lou's place for me. All I had to do was go to sleep!
I was all for sleep at that point. Lou had made salmon pancakes for dinner, but I just wasn't in the mood.
"But Frig, I made these special for our two month anniversary!" Lou said in a rare moment of clarity.
Probably it wasn't really our two month anniversary, but I didn't want him to feel bad if he wasn't stoned out of his mind, so I sat and grudgingly ate some of the fish cakes.
Suddenly, I was struck with an idea. Lou was a dude who knew everyone in the whole dang town of Spatulas, mostly because he "borrowed" from their dumpsters. And he seemed to be somewhat lucid, so...maybe I could learn some more information about Xlormp?
"Lou," I began, at the beginning, "Do you know anything about Xlormp Winston?"
"Xlormp Winston?" Lou repeated.
"Yes," I affirmed affirmatively.
"He's a space alien."
I sighed. I was getting pretty sick of all of this repetition about Xlormp being a space alien. I wanted some new information!
"Do you know anything else about him?" I asked proddingly.
"Yes!" Lou hiccuped.
"He saved me last week from the tallybonkers." Lou proceeded to tie his napkin around his beard.
Well, it looked like my serious conversation with Lou was over, so I patted him gently on the wrist and headed off to bed.
The next morning happened. I woke up from my sleep, and sat up in bed, where I was lying, except now I wasn't because I was sitting up. I felt suspiciously happy, so I needed to nip that in the bud. I decided to take Steve up on his offer and go to Amazing Land with him and some other kids from school. That would put me in a foul mood straight away.
I didn't know much about Amazing Land, only that it was a theme park and it was supposed to be amazing. I'd heard some kids talking about it in the lunch room, but they were probably stupid and also they were way too happy about it for their own good.
I put on clothes so as to avoid being naked in public (that was Lou's thing, not mine), gathered my wits and my hatred, and headed out the door.
I couldn't believe it! My wagon! It was right there on the lawn, just like Xlormp had said it would be! What a wonderful thing! Someone who actually tells the truth in this crazy town of lies!
Unfortunately, while my fairy wagon was sufficient transport for the school that was three blocks away, it wouldn't get me all the way to Amazing Land in the next town over. So I hailed a cab.
"Where to?" asked the cabbie with a smart air about him.
"Amazing Land!" I shrieked joyfully.
The cabbie swiveled around to glare at me intently. "Amazing Land?" he asked eerily. "Do you have any idea what you're getting yourself into?"
"Um...amazingness?" I sputtered alarmingly.
The cabbie winked. "Probably yes!" and spun back around. With his magical driving powers, he propelled the car in a forward motion all the way to Amazing Land, where I paid him somehow and hopped out.
Immediately upon arrival, I spied Steve and Hector, and also a bunch of girls who were too far away for me to read their name tags. Steve spotted me first and waved, so I waved back, because I'm a nice person like that. Hector noticed me waving at Steve and also waved, in a much more wave-y manner, as if to say, "Hey, I'm such a better waver than Steve!"
Frankly, I didn't care who waved better. Being around all of these happy people was pissing me off. Plus, there was no sign of Xlormp anywhere. I wondered what he, as a space alien, did on the weekends?
Steve ran over to me and lifted me off the air in a very personal-space-invading hug.
"I can't believe you came!" he said. "I thought maybe you might be against having fun."
The squeezing was cutting off air to my lungs. I gasped aggressively for a bit, and when Steve loosened his grip so I could finally breathe again, I said, "Usually yes I am. But I made an exception for today."
"Why?" Steve asked nosily.
"I have no idea," I spoke somberly.
Hector had caught up by now, and he felt it necessary to also lift me off the ground.
"Please deposit me back on the ground," I sputtered to Hector who was holding me above the ground.
"Okay!" Hector declared, and he did so. Deposited me, that is.
"Well," I phrased, "Now that the creepy hugging game is over-"
But it wasn't I guess, because once again I was lifted in the air.
"Put me down, Christopher."
The other girls had caught up, it looked like the whole gang was here! Jessica, Tabitha, and Lexington. This day was going to suck hardcore, I was pretty excited about all of the awesome grumping I would get to do in public.
"So, does anyone else want to pick me up before we go do Amazing things?" I inquired curiously.
"I'd like to throw you in front of a moving locomotive," Lexington uttered bitchily.
Heads were shaken.
Steve clapped his hands merrily, or perhaps it was morosely, I couldn't tell. "Okay, everyone, let's go have Amazing Fun Times!"
I followed everyone through the front gates. These gates were at the front of the park, and they are where people were let through.
The park was pretty nice, I guess. Full of exciting rides, sticky walkways and necking teenagers (my heart gave a weird "twang" when I thought of what necking with Xlormp might be like; did he even have a neck?). I looked up and there was a sky above me, and it was full of clouds. The clouds were comprised of tiny particles of moisture that were stuck together by magic ponies of atmosphere. I noticed one cloud in the shape of a duck.
Overall, the place made me feel crappy. So that was a plus.
We were about to ride something that I probably was going to hate, when I heard something...something from the bushes.
"Psst..." the something pssted.
"Huh?" I countered.
"I said 'psst'," the voice repeated.
"Oh," I understood. I crept creepily over to where the voice sounded like it might have been coming from. I hazarded a "Hello?"
"Are you...Friggen' Gorgeous?" the voice whispered powerfully.
"Yes," I said truthfully.
"Well, I have a message for you," the voice spoke in a voice-like fashion.
"Could you maybe come out of the bushes?" I asked nicely.
There was some rummaging around in the bushes, and Hector stepped out.
"Yes, it is me, Hector."
"Why were you in the bushes, Hector?"
"Well," Hector began, "I was in the bushes because I didn't want you to know I was Hector."
"Oh, Hector, that's silly."
"But I do need to talk to you! I have important information for you!" He sounded like he meant business, and I should know, because sometimes I mean business, too, and that's usually what I sounded like.
"Okay...go for it!" I permitted politely.
Hector took my arm, which normally I would have punched him for, but since he meant business this time, I figured it was okay. We walked gently along the curving paths of Amazing Land.
"I know you're interested in Xlormp," he said.
"How - how do you know that?" I sputtered astoundingly.
"You have his name scribbled all over your arms."
I glanced down. Oops. Looks like I'd forgotten to wash that off. "Oh," I whimpered.
"Anyway, as you know, he's a space alien."
"He is a space alien," I agreed. "I know that."
"Well, I thought maybe...maybe you should know some things about space aliens," he uttered.
"For one thing, did you know they are from outer space?"
"Okay, well, do you know what they do in outer space?" he demanded faithfully.
"Probably, but more specific."
I thought really hard. "...eat chicken?"
"No," Hector said negatively. "They plot world domination."
"Also, space aliens shoot poison out of their adrenal glands when they are really cheesed off."
My heart quivered a little. "Really?"
I sighed. This was depressing news. Xlormp was poisonous when angry? What else was he not telling me, other than the fact that he was a space alien?
Hector patted me on the back. "I just thought you should know."
I thought of something suddenly with my powerful reasoning processes. "Wait, how do you know all this?"
Hector's eyes shifted back and forth, as if making sure no one was listening. "My dad is an alien hunter," he said silently.
I gasped furtively. "Really?"
Hector nodded courageously. "Yes."
"Why hasn't he killed Xlormp?" I questioned.
"Well, for one thing, Xlormp is adopted by humans, and my dad can't kill aliens without their parents' consent unless their parents are also aliens."
"That's polite of him," I mentioned.
"Also, Xlormp hasn't tried to kill any of us, so dad doesn't consider him a threat."
"That's cool, too." Man, what a nice guy Xlormp was! I thought of him and it made my heart dance. But it wasn't dancing the Macarena, it was actually dancing the Electric Slide.
"Anyway, we should probably go back to the group," Hector said correctly.
"Yeah," I agreed positively.
So we did, and we did more things, and then we all went home.
Catch up with the chapters you may have missed somehow!