The Most Popular Book in the Whole World (xlormp) wrote,
The Most Popular Book in the Whole World

Chapter Five, "Adventures In The Nurse's Office"

The Most Popular Book in the Whole World

Chapter 5, "Adventures In The Nurse's Office"

Unfortunately, my next class was Ancient Egyptian, and I would have to sit stressfully and uncomfortably close to the alien who had not moments earlier shunned my very friendship. Bitter tears threatened to attack my face, but I said no, no, tears, you listen to me and stay where you are, because I don't want Xlormp to think I am a Saddy McSadPants. In fact, I want him to think I am the Happiest Person Alive. My face was confused as I actually tried to smile for the first time in months, as opposed to my usual grumping.

But alas, when I walked into class, Xlormp was not there. He did not show up at all. That would have been horrible enough, and I was doing my best to tell my heart it didn't have to cry like that, because it was getting the inside of my rib cage all wet. But that's not the only thing. There's more. There's another thing. In class? We were supposed to touch some real mummy bandages. Well, I have to tell you, I have a severe allergy to mummy bandages, and I'm pretty sure I told the school that when I filled out my forms. So when Steve over-zealously wrapped one around my neck, saying now I had a pretty scarf to match my pretty face and clearly violating his restraining order, I nearly asphyxiated right then and there.

It sucked. I'll tell you that right now. Not being able to breathe? Not really my favorite. I'd take weather over this any day.

I tried alerting Steve by tapping him gently on the shoulder, but he just smiled at me like a dope. So instead, I tried clonking him over the head with a textbook, and pointing at my swelling throat. He just laughed and said, "Frig, you know I have a thick skull!"

I really wanted to shout "YES YOU DO AND YOU ARE PROVING IT RIGHT NOW" but my vocal chords were pretty much stuck between my swollen glands. Finally I gave up and fainted.

When I woke up, I was not in the place I was before. In fact, the truth is I was in a completely different place. The nurse's office is where I was when I woke up, which is different from the classroom I was just in.

But what's this? What rapturous bliss? Xlormp was in the office with me! Sitting next to him was Steve. That wasn't as exciting. Steve went back and forth from gazing at me stupidly to glaring angrily at Xlormp.

The silence was getting pretty awkward. I cleared my throat. "Um, so, I'm awake now!" I said.

"How come you never told me you were allergic to mummy bandages?" Xlormp condescended.

I was startled by his meanness. It was abrupt and startling. " never came up in casual conversation?" I whimpered.

Xlormp balked. "I'd expect you'd tell a friend if you had any serious allergies."

My heart skipped a beat. Probably that was bad in my weakened state. "Are we friends then?"

Xlormp snorted. "That's not what I said. I meant you should have told Steve."

Steve grinned. "Yes, because we are friends!"

"Well, not you and me," Xlormp said to Steve.

"I'm really confused," I said in a confused way.

"It's okay. I should probably take you home." That was Xlormp. I was both alarmed by his out of nowhere concern and also excited about the idea of spending a whole three blocks with my alien heartthrob.

"You can't take her home, I'm taking her home!" Steve butted in. Sometimes I wanted to wrap my fingers around his throat and squeeze while telling him to stop talking. Because Steve was not at all as attractive as Xlormp. Have I mentioned how attracted I am to Xlormp lately? It looked like he was starting to grow a new appendage, and the thought of what that appendage might be able to do made me feel all sorts of funny feelings on the inside.

Anyway, Steve interrupted my intimate thoughts about Xlormp's potential new appendage, and also noticing how adorable his antennae were when they wobbled in anticipation, because he (Steve, not Xlormp) asked me a really inane question.

"Frig, listen, I know you hate pretty much everyone at school, but a bunch of us are going to Amazing Land tomorrow which is Saturday and we were wondering if you wanted to come too."

"Why?" I demanded.

"Because you're pretty."

Pretty, I pondered? No one had ever called me pretty before. Well, I mean, outside of Spatulas. No, people in my old town called me Toughy McStrongpants, but never Pretty McPrettypants. If you disregard the near solid month of everyone ever hitting on me, this whole "pretty" business was ground breaking territory.

"I'll consider it with my brain," I shouted.

"Sweet radishes!" Steve announced.

"Well, Frig, I think it's time we get you home, you're not making any sense," Xlormp crafted these words with his perfect mouth and my heart melted again for the billionth time.

"I feel fine, Xlormp, really," I tried to reason.

"Nonsense and balderdash. It's better if you're safe at home in your cardboard box."

I glared suspiciously at Xlormp. "How do you know where I live?"

Xlormp's eyes were threatening to bug. "Live? You? I don't have any idea what you mean. I certainly haven't been stalking you like a creepy stalker dude. Nope. Not me. I couldn't anyway, I'm not entirely sure if I'm a dude or not, being an alien."

My eyes lit up like shiny things. "So you are an alien?"

Xlormp kicked the chair out from under me and I fell to the floor.

"Frig!" he hollered. "How did you get on the floor like that? How clumsy. It really is time for you to go home." He lifted me up with a flipper-like hand and put a tentacle around my waist. I did my best not to pass out from overwhelming joy at actually touching Xlormp. He felt slimy. It was weird and awesome all at once. I imagined being covered in more of his slime, and then I stopped because it was making me light-headed.

"Okay, well, you know, think about Amazing Land, okay?" Steve muttered awkwardly as Xlormp led me out the door.

"Yeah, you know, whatever..." I said, but really, I was staring deep into Xlormp's eyes. They were green, and he had five of them. I don't think I'd ever noticed before. Maybe some of them were new.

Catch up with the chapters you may have missed somehow!

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