Chapter 19, "Story Time With Klaxie"
Klaxie was pissed. I felt pretty bad, and I'm not going to lie about it. For one thing, Klaxie was a cool dude and I hated thinking it was my fault he was all pissy. It's one thing to piss of normal human beings who are jerks all the time anyway. It's a completely different thing to piss off aliens that are pretty cool. And for another thing, I had no clue exactly what was going on, and that made me feel kind of uncomfortable and also a little confused.
I wanted to tap Klaxie on the shoulder and say, "Hey, Klaxie, what the heck is going on?" But I was afraid he would punch me in the face or something, and that would make me feel even more bad, and I'd get stuck in this endless cycle of bad feelingness, and it would be bad.
So instead, I tapped him on the approximation of his elbow.
"Yes?" he said soberingly.
"Um. Klaxie. I was just wondering, and this is a thought I was thinking with my thinkers, and you don't have to say anything if you don't want to, but the thing of it is, and this is just hypothetical, mind you, really, I don't want to step on any toes, but, um, I guess you don't really have toes anyway, and even if you did, I'm just trying to be polite, and so it's really not all that big a deal, honestly, and I-"
Klaxie whirled on me (and Monica did too, for she was standing right next to him), "Frig, is there something you want to ask me?"
"Does it have to do with what the heck is going on?"
How did he do that, I wondered to myself? Was Klaxie a mind reader? I nodded a second time.
"Well, let me tell you a story, Frig. It is a deep and moving story, an interesting story, maybe you want to sit down cross-legged on the floor. I apologize, I don't have any carpet squares for you. But you can pretend."
I did as the alien asked, sitting down cross-legged and everything, even pretending about the carpet square. Klaxie pressed his flippers together calmly (and Monica did the same, only with her fingers, and also she hummed a little), and began:
"Your boyfriend is an idiot," he said.
And he didn't say much of anything else.
"Oh." I disagreed, of course, nobody in the entire universe embodied sheer perfection and goodness and the color green quite like my Xlormpykins. But I couldn't tell Klaxie that, because Klaxie had obviously made up his mind already. So instead I asked, "So, what does that have to do with why we didn't bother fighting for Schmeertz?"
Klaxie let out an exasperated sigh. "Listen, Frig, I don't know if you know this or not, but Charles P. Wiffleton was recently murdered."
"Murdered?" This was news to me. I knew the dude had died, and I had no idea why that was important, but no one had said a thing about murder.
"Your Earth papers will try to cover it up, I'm sure," Klaxie monologued, grasping his flippers behind his back, chin lifted upward, whilst moving back and forth along the length of the spaceship. Monica imitated, looking particularly dignified for once, were it not for the drool dribbling out of her beeping mouth. "I don't believe you've heard of the Blobbersons?"
I remembered something, it stabbed at my brain like a pesky toothpick trying to dislodge something particularly sticky from in between stubborn teeth. I'm pretty sure I'd heard the Blobbersons mentioned before. So I shook my head and said, "No."
"That is because you are naught but a human and therefore know nothing at all."
I shrugged. "That is completely inaccurate, but please continue."
"The thing is, the Blobbersons are pissed. They are ticked off to the max and there is nothing you can do about it. They know that Xlormp was having creepy, illicit alien/human relations with you, and they want to kick your ass now, too."
I was more confused than ever by now. I tried to work through the confusion verbally. "So...they, um, killed Charles P. Wiffleton because they're pissed at me?"
Klaxie threw his flippers and tentacles up in the air with exasperation (and Monica did too). "No, Frig, this is entirely too simple, why don't you understand?"
"I, um...don't know," I admitted pathetically in a losery way. "Could you maybe explain it to me?"
"Okay. Blobbersons. Big bad alien dudes. Got that?"
I wanted to ask why they were so big and bad, but I figured Klaxie wouldn't tell me. So I nodded.
"Incidentally, they are big and bad because they are literally the biggest alien species in the galaxy. And they don't like aliens meddling with Earthlings."
I wanted to ask why they didn't like aliens messing with Earthlings, but again, I felt the asking may be futile.
"On that note, they don't like aliens messing with Earthlings because they think it's tacky. Like orange hot pants."
"Ohhhhhhh," I said, nodding understandingly. That made perfect sense.
"Anywhoosle, the Blobbersons found out about you and Xlormp, and it took a little while because the galaxy is big and information travels slowly, and they decided the best course of action would be to take you out."
This time I didn't keep my mouth shut. "So why do they get to mess with Earthlings?"
Klaxie rolled his eyes. "Uh, because they're big and bad?"
He continued continuously. "So anyway, they decided the best way to get to you would be to go through your family. Your only family is Lou, so instead of killing you or Lou, they chose to kill someone only vaguely related to Lou."
I nodded. This made no sense whatsoever, and it seemed needlessly complex.
"So what does Xlormp have to do with any of this?"
"Well, he was calling the Haberdashes to see if the Blobbersons had gotten to you yet. And now he thinks they've killed you, so he's going to kick some Blobby ass."
"Why didn't he just ask that instead of trying to sell Christopher Sploober repellent?"
"Don't make this any more complicated than it has to be, Frig," Klaxie murmured, patting me on the shoulder. Which Monica did, too. Man, I really hated that chick.
I tried to gather my thoughts, which were kind of all over the place and making no sense, because none of this crap made any sense. "So we're going to keep Xlormp from kicking the Blobbersons' butts, which would be a Bad Thing because they are big and bad?"
Klaxie nodded. "Finally, you understand. It took you long enough. I love you and everything, Friglet, but sometimes you catch on pretty slowly." He gave me a hug, and I hugged him back, and Monica tried to get in on that hugging business, but I blocked her out because I'm spiteful like that.
"So what's our ETA?" I asked.
"Soonish, but it could be laterish if we don't hurry. Will you go console Candy? She's probably ripping the walls off of her room, since we didn't have time to pick up Schmeertz."
I nodded, agreeing with that idea, because I wanted to make sure Lou and the band were okay, too. He'd never been on a spaceship before, or at least, not since I'd met him, and he might be all wigged out and stuff.
I made my way to the room they were staying in, which was in the back of the ship, so I walked to the back of the ship, because that's where they were staying, and I opened the door, and I took in the scene, and I closed it again, and I walked back, and I said to Klaxie, "Candy is making out with Lou. So I think they're fine."
And then I vowed to spend the rest of my life doing everything in my power to wipe that particular visual from my memory.
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