Chapter 6, "The Inner Sanctum of Really Cool Weapons"
This was it. The moment of truth. I knew as soon as the words I thought in my brain came out of my mouth in verbal form, I could not take them back. I would be a traitor to Xlormp for now and for always.
Well, screw him anyway, the big loser-y soul mate leaver.
"Hector, I want you to teach me everything you know about alien hunting."
His eyes grew wide. Like wide saucers, or something else wide, elephant hips or something.
"What?" he prompted.
Christopher raced down the stairs, this time wearing her name tag over a lovely orange sweater (which looked kind of funny with her bright red hair) and a nice pair of slacks. I have to admit, as far as clothing goes, I didn't like any of it. But I did my best to appreciate the effort.
"What did I miss?" she cried, frantically shoving her hair up into a ponytail.
"Get this, Chris: Frig wants us to teach her about alien hunting," Hector explained to his female sibling.
Christopher smiled briefly, then allowed her face to acquire a serious expression. "But Frig," she said, "I thought you were in love with a space alien. Namely Xlormp."
I snorted. "He left me for no good reason. I've decided there are better things in life than love. Like loathing hatred and revenge."
Christopher clapped happily. "Hooray!"
Hector sighed and held up a hand. "Wait, wait, Frig. Alien hunting is pretty important stuff. We can't go around teaching it to anyone, just because they have a vendetta against a space alien."
I stared at him blankly. "What do you mean?"
He glanced at Christopher, as if hoping for much needed backup, but his sister merely blinked at him.
"Uh...I mean, alien hunters exist to keep a certain amount of peace on earth-"
"And goodwill towards men," Christopher quickly whispered, snickering.
"Yes, that too, but the point is, our skills are very secret and special. Were our information to fall into the wrong hands, horrible things could happen. Worlds could be ripped apart, realities destroyed, lives forever changed, and not for the better."
It was the most coherent speech I'd ever heard. For a moment, I felt pretty impressed.
Then Christopher socked Hector on the knee and said, "Oh, at least let's show her the weapons!" She leapt up and grabbed my hand, dragging me out of the room. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Hector grow panicked, as if struggling with inner turmoil and conflict, digging through the mountainous piles of knowledge in his database-like brain, trying to come to a logical conclusion on how to deal with the fact that his sister just completely ignored his deep and meaningful speech. In the end, I guess he decided to follow us, because he got up and followed us.
Christopher ceased our swift journey in front of a door. It looked in no way like an unusual door, or anything like that. Actually, it resembled the door we had first passed through upon our initial entry to the house. But when Christopher opened it...
I gasped. I had never seen so many dang shiny things in one place before, except maybe on Xlormp's spaceship, but that was just walls and buttons and stuff. This room was filled with shiny shooting things. Christopher watched my face carefully, probably hoping I'd think all these weapons were awesome or something. The good news for her is that I thought all these weapons were SUPER HARDCORE AMAZING.
"You probably recognize this baby." Christopher gestured to a really really big gun, which I did recognize as the hyper-particle-bender-ray-gun that saved me from the Tallybonkers.
"Yes indeed!" I affirmed pleasantly.
She then ran over to a large, gold cylinder with weird rods sticking out.
"And this is my favorite," she cried, cuddling it. "The Sploober-blaster."
"What's it for?" I questioned.
"Blasting Sploobers," she sighed happily.
"Chris, I don't think Frig is mentally prepared to deal with the idea of Sploobers," Hector said calmly.
"Oh, and this one!" Christopher shrieked, dropping the Sploober-blaster (Hector leapt like a ninja, narrowly catching the weapon before it hit the floor) and running for another crazy, unusual weapon. This one looked like it was made entirely out of felt, except for a very big diamond on the top. "This one is actually a trap for alien bugs, you take it with you when you go space camping, and it keeps you from getting all kinds of weird, intergalactic insect-transmitted diseases." She shook it side to side, and the diamond lit up, shining a billion different colors all over the place. "And it's pretty." She smiled and held it out to me, as if she wanted me to take it or something.
But the colors from the diamond reminded me of the rainbows from someone's butt, the butt of a certain alien I was working really hard to hate with my brain right now, and I was in no mood to feel joy at pretty things about it. "No, thanks," I said.
Hector looked like he was getting ready to cry. "Seriously, you guys, Dad will kill us for this."
I patted him on the shoulder. "It's cool, Hector, worry not about your father!"
Hector seemed simultaneously thrilled at the fact that I had made physical contact with him, and freaked out of his mind at the idea of his dad finding out about the civilian infiltration. It looked confusing, and I'm glad I wasn't Hector at that moment.
Christopher turned off the felt, rainbow-making bug zapper and set it down. "He's right, actually. Maybe you should leave before Dad gets home." She said these words, but her face seemed to say, "Maybe you should come hide under my bed, and then, come nightfall, I can have my way with you." Either way, leaving was probably the safest plan.
So I nodded to indicate agreeableness in the newly presented plan.
Hector sighed a relieved sigh, grasping me firmly in a hug.
"I didn't realize this was hugging news," I declared.
Christopher threw her arms around me, shouting, "Group hug!"
The hugging went on a little longer than I felt comfortable with, but when it ended, I was more than happy to take my leave of them. I wanted to learn about killing aliens, not get all mushy and lovey-dovey with these dudes. Seriously.
When I got home that evening, Lou did not seem alarmed by the fact that I'd been gone for a billion years. In fact, he and Larry were huddled in the corner of the kitchen, composing a new song.
"BROCCOLI SMELLS FUNNY TO ME!
BROCCOLI SMELLS FUNNY TO ME!
I LIKE PICKLES AND I LIKE CHEESE!
AND BROCCOLI SMELLS FUNNY TO ME!"
It sounded like they were going towards a more heavy metal sound. I felt it may be unwise to interrupt their jam session, so I snuck silently into my room, to plot out exactly how to convince Hector to teach me the ways of alien hunting.
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