Chapter 5, "I Develop A Clever Idea"
It seemed only logical that since I'd taken up hating life again, I should keep my crappy job at Amazing Land. To be honest with you, since Lou'd won that awesome upgrade, I had no reason to work. We had all a teenage girl living with a crazy hobo could want, and apparently that involved a lot of lawn flamingos.
But it was kind of nice having a little bit of extra money in my pockets. That way, if I wanted to buy, say, a waffle iron, I could. I didn't want to buy a waffle iron. But that's not the point.
The point is, work is horrible, so it helps me feel like crap. Therefore, I am in complete favor of it! Hooray for work!
Anyway, working at Amazing Land is a lot like working anywhere else, except more amazing. Amazing things would happen all the time, like people who possessed the power to projectile vomit over ten feet. And I got to clean it up. Then there were the kids who liked to smear taffy at the tippy tip top of the two-hundred and fifty foot rides. And I got to clean it up.
And also Hector was there all the time, and he was all the time like, "Hey Frig, would you fill out this accident report?" or, "Hey, Frig, would you like to make out in the janitor's closet?" It got pretty wearing.
Plus apparently I wasn't the only one who'd seen those boxy creatures around town. I guess everyone was all like, "Whoa, boxy creatures!" And then I was all, "I know, right? What's up with them?"
So here I am, working my shift at Amazing Land, cleaning up taffy and stuff. And I'm fuming to myself about Xlormp. Usually I try not to think about it, but sometimes, if I'm not pissy enough, I'll just go, "MAN, what a complete jerkface Xlormp turned out to be!" and that will fix things right up. So I'm thinking about Xlormp and how what I'd really like to do is dip his flippers in some sort of anti-alien acid, and watch him dissolve to death like that?
Then Hector totally interrupts me, saying, "Frig, have you ever eaten an entire pie in one sitting?"
And all of a sudden, it all comes together. In one big, shiny, together-y moment. It's like that song? The one that goes, "Come Together" or something? By some band? And what came together is this: Xlormp is an alien. Hector is an alien hunter. Or, at least he comes from a family of alien hunters. If I really and truly want to know how to hurt the crap out of Xlormp, I bet Hector and company could help me with that.
I must have been standing there rather dazedly, because Hector was like, "Hey, are you okay Frig?"
I nodded. "Yes, I am okay."
"Okay, because I was asking you a pretty serious question about pie," Hector subdued.
"Pie is pretty serious," I enhanced, "but not as serious as the thing I am about to ask you right now."
Hector leaned heavily on his broom, the one he uses for sweeping up debris. "Yes?"
"Can I come by your house after work?"
Hector nearly fell off of his broom. "Really?"
"Yes, really. I have some very important information to glean from you."
Hector stood up and straightened his tie, as if to say, "Look at me, I'm big and bad, I wear a tie at work." But what he actually said was, "You may glean whatever you wish, Frig!"
"Stupendous!" I shrieked alarmingly, then went back to my very important job.
"Wait!" Hector yelled after me. "I must know about the pie!"
But I ignored him, because I was too bitchy to care.
** ** **
Hector and Christopher's house turned out to be pretty cool. I've never been too big on "houses". I mean, why have a house when you can have cardboard? But getting to see a real live house, first hand, from the inside? Pretty sweet.
It could be argued that I'd been in the Winston's house very recently. That I had, in fact, lived in a house before moving to Spatulas, back when I lived in that other town that's not even worth mentioning now. To this I say, "Feh."
Christopher nearly had a heart attack upon seeing my visage in her home. "Frig!" she cried, glancing achingly down at her name tag-less chest, "How are you?"
Hector, who had walked in the door after me, said, "Christopher, by the way, Frig's coming over."
Christopher punched Hector in the arm. "You could have called ahead!"
"My phone died," Hector replied heartily, rubbing his arm.
"Well!" Christopher proclaimed loudly, "I'm going to change into something that's not my yoga top and sweat pants! Be right back!" And she shuffled awkwardly out of the room.
When she had gone, Hector gestured for me to sit on a couch in the middle of the room in which we stood. I sat, noting that the couch was pretty fancy looking, considering its sole purpose in life lay in holding up people's butts.
I crossed and uncrossed my legs a few times, just to see what would happen. Hector leaned close to me, and I thought maybe he shouldn't do that. "So," he said conspiratorially, "what did you want to talk about?"
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