Chapter 1, "The First Chapter (Of My New Life???)"
Dreaming is weird, because you're asleep but you still see things. Right now I was dreaming about this part cow, part rabbit animal that wanted to mate with me. I was like, "No, please! I am non-mateable with." And the animal got sad, and it cried a little, and I felt bad for it. So I pet it, as if it were a cat, and it tried to bite me.
"Gah!" I yelped, hopping back. Just then, my sexy alien boyfriend Xlormp appeared! Just in time, to save the day. What a cool dude. He ate that weird animal in one swift bite. I was going to say thanks and all, though I didn't think he really needed to kill something for wanting to mate with me, but I didn't get a chance to because Xlormp just turned around and blew up my planet.
I woke up. What a crappy dream, I thought to myself! It's a good thing it was fake. Xlormp's always warning me about how one day his race of Zmeephish-Q aliens is going to blow up Earth, but I usually ignore him because it's easier to ignore imminent death and get the hot makeouts.
Lou flounced into my room. "Morning, pancake juggler!" he hollered.
In case you have no idea what's going on, Lou is my hobo guardian who used to be sane but instead he got his brain eaten by some microscopic space aliens. Now he rarely makes any kind of sense.
I patted him on the head and commenced getting ready for the day. Glancing out my window, I noticed there was weather outside. Normally, this would piss my pants clean off, but ever since I started dating a space alien, very little pissed me off anymore. It was weird but also awesome.
I got my crap together and ran out the door, hopping into my plywood fairy wagon and speeding in a very slow way towards my school, Learning Land.
When I got there, Xlormp was already waiting for me with his cadre of alien brothers, and their girl-slaves. See, last year, the same microscopic aliens that ate Lou's brain came after me, so Xlormp thought he should call in some reinforcements.
"Gimmie some skin-to-slime action, baby doll," Klaxie, a slightly darker green alien than Xlormp, suavely enunciated. I did as he said, and our connecting slap made a "Thhhpt" noise since he had extra slime emitters on his body. Klaxie was a really cool dude. If I'd met him before I met Xlormp, maybe I'd be with Klaxie instead, but that was the sort of thing you keep to yourself around aliens that you don't want to blow up your planet.
Klaxie's girl-slave, Monica, also offered me a hand to slap, because that's what girl-slaves do. They imitate their alien masters. I slapped her hand too, just to be polite, even though it was kind of pointless. Other than being way prettier than me and humming a lot, she was pretty useless. If she wasn't a mindless, blithering alien-copier, I'd probably be pissed about how hot she was compared to me.
"Put down that axe, Schmeertz," I said to the alien next to Klaxie. Schmeertz did as commanded, but he didn't say anything to me. I don't think he likes me very much. He's all the time trying to kill me. I'm honestly not sure what good it does hiring an alien who wants me dead to protect me, but whatever.
Schmeertz's girl-slave Candy did not, in fact, wield an axe in my face. Thing is, his girl-slave was kind of an odd exception. Something went wrong when she was undergoing her girl-slave brain manipulation transformation. Instead of becoming a mindless, humming imbecile, she gained the ability to smell bad things happening. I'd asked her about it once, she said the really bad things smelled like shoe polish.
Also something in her brain made her break dance everywhere. We'd all be walking along and there Candy'd be, spinning on her head or something fancy like that. Ridiculous. Sometimes it got annoying. But the thing is, she still loved Schmeertz, even though he was a huge jerk. Whatever, I said to that.
Once the formalities had ended, Xlormp pulled me to his side, gripping my arm firmly. This was his way of showing everyone else in school that they pretty much weren't allowed to so much as speak to me or he would probably cut off their legs.
"So Frig," he said, "I understand that the solar calendar has advanced a year in your favor."
I stared at him blankly.
"It's your birthday," Klaxie supplied helpfully.
"Ohhh," I nodded understandingly. "No it isn't."
"Inaccurate, I checked the school calendar."
I groaned. "But Xlormp, I don't want to have a birthday! I want to stay young and clueless forever. Birthdays just mean I'm that much closer to being nasty and old."
"I was under the impression that it is a day of celebration."
I sighed. Had Xlormp completely forgotten that I hate pretty much everything?
Klaxie punched my arm in a friendly manner. "Yeah, dude, we are supposed to bust out the presents and get jiggy with it!"
For an alien, Klaxie obsessed an unusual amount over the lives of earthlings. So much so that he was the only alien in the group wearing clothes. He had on baggy pants that fell down around his slitherers, and a backwards cap on with holes made special for his antennae. He looked really stupid.
Monica hummed oddly and also punched me on the shoulder.
"Listen, guys, I'd love to celebrate my birthday and everything, but I was planning on...um...sleeping tonight."
Klaxie and Monica went "Pssssssssssh," and waved their tentacles and hands around as if to say, "WHATEVS, FRIG."
"You sleep every night!" Klaxie moaned.
"Indeed you do, I watch you," Xlormp agreed. "So it is time to jig the daisies up yo mama's sprinkler."
"That was my attempt at Earth slang," Xlormp explained. "How did I do?"
"Terrible," I said honestly, even though I would gladly listen to his crappy Earth slang all day if it meant hearing his voice. In case I haven't mentioned it yet, Xlormp is the sexiest, hottest, most perfectest being I've ever laid eyes or hands on.
The school day went by uneventfully. We skipped lunch because Candy smelled that there would be rotten potatoes in the stew. Christopher and Hector, some friends of mine that were siblings and also alien hunters that saved my life last year, wished me happy birthday. I just glared at them so they would know I hated the idea of a birthday being happy. And I evaded two more murder attempts from Schmeertz.
As the day drew to a withering close, I thought of the imminent celebration in my honor and angered silently to myself. Xlormp offered me a ride in his space ship to his foster parents' house. The Winston family had gladly adopted four more children, going with the ruse that they were just really nice people when truthfully, if they hadn't, the Zmeephish-Quians probably would have eaten their brains.
"So anyway, Xlormp, I was thinking of maybe just blowing that off," I said, wigging my fingers in a way I knew that he liked, hoping maybe he'd reconsider and make out with me instead.
"Frig, I fear Klaxie might weep bitterly in his sleep if we don't party like it's...uh..."
"Nineteen ninety-nine?" I supplied.
"That, or your birthday."
I smugged heartily. "Let him weep.'
"That is cruel and heartless. Also, I'd rather he didn't, because it's really annoying and it keeps Schmeertz up at night. You know how extra murderous he gets if he hasn't gotten a lot of sleep."
I sighed sighingly. "I know. But the thing of it is, why do we even keep Schmeertz around?"
Xlormp shrugged (or approximated a shrug with his tentacles). "That's for me to know and for you to not know."
I hadn't noticed it, because I was too busy being pissed at Xlormp for trying to make me have fun, but we'd already beamed into his spaceship.
"Oh, crap, we're already on the way, aren't we?"
"Yes," Xlormp affirmed.
"I could kill you for this," I muttered obnoxiously.
"No, you couldn't. But incidentally, if I did want to die for some reason, all I'd have to do is anger the Blobbersons."
My ears prickled foreshadowingly at the mention of "the Blobbersons."
"Who are the Blobbersons?" I asked this question.
Xlormp splurted. "No one of consequence. In fact, you can forget I mentioned them at all, at least until the end of the book."
I stared at him astonishedingly. "What book?"
"Ah, here we are at our pre-determined destination!" Xlormp replied uselessly.
We beamed down into the Winston's living room, where Mr. and Mrs. Winston were smiling grandly in front of an elaborate mural made entirely out of crepe streamers. It said, "Happy Brthday, Frig".
"You missed the 'i' in 'birthday'," I accused bitchily.
Mrs. Winston's smile fell. "Well, we can't all be ridiculously smart like you, now, can we, Frig?"
Klaxie, Monica, Schmeertz and Candy snickered (and Schmeertz shot a few poison-tipped blow darts at me, which Xlormp deftly deflected by absorbing them into his slime folds).
"Anyway, here are some presents for you." Mrs. Winston handed me a small stack of beautifully and painstakingly wrapped gifts.
"I hate all of them," I asserted.
"You haven't even opened them!" Klaxie wailed, lower lip threatening to quiver.
"You're right," I agreed. I prodded the stack, shooting furtive glances at my surrounding alien and slightly un-willing alien host friends. Then I picked up a box, yanked off the paper, and opened it.
It was a volleyball.
"I hate it."
"Here, open this one!" Schmeertz cried, handing me another box, this one wrapped in neon pink paper and topped with a bright orange bow. It was box shaped, and the colors on the box threatened to make my eyes bleed.
Xlormp nodded encouragingly. So did Klaxie. Monica hummed eerily, and Candy spun around on one arm, erratically kicking her legs every which way.
I pulled the paper off bitterly, and opened the box-shaped box so as to fully ascertain the contents of its innards.
It was a bomb.
"Damn it, Schmeertz!" I cried as the house exploded.