A Completely Pointless Epilogue
I wanted to kill everyone in the entire world right now. Seriously and for real. I take back everything I ever said. Xlormp is a jerk face times a billion, and he would need to blow up a thousand Earths to eradicate my undying anger.
"What is wrong with you??" I shouted loudly, indicating said anger.
Xlormp, despite being the biggest jerk ever to slither across the Earth, looked dashing in his sexy tux.
"I wanted to take you somewhere nice. That's what Earth boys do, right?" His antennae waggled inquisitively.
I sighed. "People, Xlormp. There will be PEOPLE at this thing."
The bastard of a stud muffin scooted over to me and adjusted the giant pink bow he had insisted on tying into my hair. "I think it's time you gave people a shot."
I threw up my hands in exasperation. "You're the one that wants to blow up the planet!"
"Only if you're holding the blaster gun, my sweetums!" He cooed, pinching my cheek somehow despite his lack of fingers.
"I think I liked it better when you were slapping me all the time."
Lou burst into the room, holding a jar of marmalade. "Picture time!" he shouted with vigor, unscrewing the lid and approaching the two of us.
I turned to Xlormp. "On second thought, this fancy dress-up party sounds like a blast. Let's go before the marmalade starts."
Xlormp grinned with his face and held out his tentacle for me to take. I forgot I was angry when I laid flesh to slime, instead thinking of how long it had been since the last time we wriggled seductively together.
As we headed out the door, I blew Lou a couple of kisses, narrowly avoiding a sticky marmalade disaster.
"Mind if we take your car?" Xlormp asked.
I glanced at my cardboard sticker wagon. Since Xlormp's spaceship, driving the dilapidated excuse for a vehicle seemed completely pointless. "Are you serious?"
"Of course I'm not, that thing's a piece of crap!" Xlormp guffawed, throwing me into the tractor beam of his waiting space transport.
In two seconds, we were at our destination. Learning Land. The gym part of it. As we beamed down, people started greeting us happily. They said things like, "Hi, Frig!" and "How are you doing?" I wanted to shove all of their heads into a boiling, lava, person-head stew.
A girl ran up to us. I recognized her from the name tag crew, but since she didn't have hers on, I couldn't recall her name.
"Frig! Xlormp! You came!" she exuberated.
"Which one are you?" I queried.
"Jessica," she stammered dubiously, her face falling a little.
"Oh yeah, that's right."
"It's good to see you still exist! We were all worried!"
"You look very pretty," I forced out of my mandibles, knowing this was the type of thing girls said to other girls on occasions where they were supposed to cram themselves into stupid dresses and act fancy.
Jessica smiled a little too brightly. "Thank you!" she cheerfully voiced.
I turned to Xlormp. "Can we go home now?"
He didn't answer before I heard more yelling of my name. "Frig!" That is what they said. That is my name.
I turned back around. It was Hector and Christopher. "Hector! Christopher!" I yelled these things.
"Hi, Frig," Hector spoke. "I just wanted to tell you that I think you're really hot still, and also not to date Xlormp."
"You've already said those things to me, and I still think you're just as lame as before."
Hector frowned at this.
"What about me?" Christopher pondered askingly.
"You get bonus points for saving my life."
Christopher stuck her tongue out at Hector, in a "nanny nanny boo boo" sort of fashion.
I waited to see if they had anything useful to say, but they remained obnoxiously silent, grinning stupidly at me and probably waiting for me to pick which one to make out with. It was pretty creepy.
Luckily, I felt a cold and slimy presence around my waist. Grateful for an excuse to get away from my spooky oglers, I waved and said, "Okay, well, see you later!" and wandered off with my slithery savior.
"Care to dance?" Xlormp's voice oozed sweetly into my ears like sugary buttersauce.
Before I could suck in another breath, Xlormp yanked me impossibly close to his alien body. "Care to wriggle?"
In an instant my hatred gave way to some serious, knee-buckling swooning. "Right here?"
"I saw an empty storage shed out back," whispered the sexiest creature ever given the gift of speech.
Instead of responding, I crammed my tongue down the best approximation of Xlormp's throat, smearing my hands up and down his body hungrily.
I'm not sure we made it to the shed.
** ** **
That's it, dudes! I hope it was okay! Don't forget to pay attention on Monday, when you will be able to order this in print from the awesome self-publishing site Lulu! Remember that I'll also be announcing the date that chapter one of the New Moon parody will be posted.
For those of you asking about cover art, I've already got that lined up for now. But the thing is, since Lulu is a print-on-demand site, it's stupid easy to release editions with different covers. So if you want to have a copy with your very own cover art, I'd be more than happy to make one available!
THE RULES FOR THIS:
1) I need to have your cover art no later than Saturday, September 20th.
2) In order for Lulu to accept the file, it must be a JPG, GIF or PNG file of at least 300dpi.
3) The book is going to be Pocked Sized, which is 4.25" x 6.87". Make sure you check out Lulu's cover template for Pocket Sized books. You're welcome to do a back cover, too, if you're feeling industrious*!
**If your cover doesn't meet the file and size requirements, I won't be able to use it!**
4) Make sure the cover has the title of the book (found at the beginning of every chapter) and my name (Jessica Wagstrom) somewhere on it.
5) Nothing pornographic, please, if I think it crosses the line I won't use it, but so far I haven't seen any fanart that would qualify. :)
*Note: I'd welcome wraparound PDFS, but as of right now, I'm not sure what the final page count will be and therefore I can't tell the spine width.
Catch up with the chapters you may have missed somehow!