The Most Popular Book in the Whole World (xlormp) wrote,
The Most Popular Book in the Whole World

Chapter Twenty-Four, "I Am Unusually Happy About Life"

The Most Popular Book in the Whole World

Chapter 24, "I Am Unusually Happy About Life"

Somewhere above my eyes, lights swirled around. They were doing it in a swirly pattern, and it made me dizzy. I groaned surreptitiously.

"Frig?" a voice broke through the vague darkness, hitting my consciousness like a rubber whack-a-mole mallet. I'd know that voice anywhere. It's very cadence caused my body to tingle in a fit of rapture. The sweetest voice I'd ever heard...the voice attached to the alien I loved.

"Xlormp," I forced out of my face hole, reaching blindly for a flipper or tentacle or, hell, even an antenna. Within seconds, my hand was surrounded by slimy-cold happiness.

"I'm here," the voice said sweetly, seductively, sultry, sexily, and probably some other provocative "s" words.

"Makeouts now?" I prodded, pooching my lips out in hopes that they would be greeted with slithery bliss.

"Not quite yet. We're in a room full of people."

"We are?" I sat up, propping myself onto my elbows. I shook my head a few times, trying to get this dazed state to clear. It felt like lots of cotton balls crammed in my ears, except I could hear through them somehow, and anyway they were really crammed all the way into my brain. Looking around, I saw Lou (strumming happily on his banjo with Larry on his shoulder) Hector, Christopher, and Xlormp, my heart's reason for beating. All sitting with me in my cardboard bedroom. It was pretty crowded, actually.

"What happened?" I asked whiningly.

Xlormp smoothed my hair back with a flipper, but really, it just made it kind of slimy. "I left to find a hyper-particle-bender-ray-gun, the only weapon I know that can take out that many tallybonkers," he uttered deliciously. "As far as I knew, they only have them on Zmeephish-Q."

"Luckily for you, Frig, we keep one in our basement," Christopher piped up disturbingly. "I've had it ready to go since the day Hector told me you were hanging around with aliens."

I glanced at Hector and glared my best angry glare. He held his hands up as if to say, "Whoa, there, Frig." And then he opened his mouth and said, "Whoa, there, Frig. Chris and I were worried about you, that's all."

Christopher upper-cutted Hector. "How many times have I asked you not to call me that?"

"It's a good thing they were there, Frig, otherwise I may have lost you forever," Xlormp cooed cooingly. "Anyway I am never leaving you ever, ever again for any reason whatsoever."

My heart felt dance-tastic again. What awesome news!

"Baloney pants time!" Lou shouted, leaping up and running into another room.

"Does Lou know what happened?" I questioned sadly.

"I'm not sure," Xlormp admitted. "To be honest, I can never tell what he's thinking anymore."

I tried to imagine Lou as a logically thinking person, able to hold an entire conversation with another human being. But that was hard, so I stopped.

I grasped Xlormp's flipper firmly in my hands. "Xlormp, I've been thinking about some things," I said, each word coming to me like something difficult to pick up. You know, like shards of glass or elephants or something. "It's my mind the tallybonkers are after, and I'm sure there's more of them out there."

Xlormp nodded. "But it will take them months to assemble the way this group had."

I shushed him shushingly. "Listen, that's not what I'm saying. I was would be better if you made me into a girl-slave."

Xlormp's eyes did something weird that I wasn't used to: they smushed themselves all the way back into his face, as if he had tiny potholes for eyes.


"But Xlormp-"

"Frig, maybe you didn't see the girl-slaves on Zmeephish-Q? None of them have independent thought, they just mimick their alien master, and to be honest, it's really obnoxious and I don't feel like putting up with that crap. And anyway it's my job to make decisions for you."

"But Lemon Meringue Floofle Cake-"

"No, Frig. You need all the mind you can get. You don't have much of one to lose."

I caressed the side of Xlormp's head lovingly. Sometimes he knew just what to say to sweep a woman off her feet. It also probably helped that I was lying down, and therefore not on my feet to begin with.

"Besides, you don't have to worry about the tallybonkers. I've requested a few extra agents come stay with me at the Winston's to keep an eye on you."

My stomach lurched happily. "More aliens?" I gushed.

Xlormp nodded. "Their space adoption papers should be cleared by the end of the month."

I tried very hard not to think about what fun I could have with Xlormp and his alien friends, but I couldn't help it. A few fantasies floated to the surface.

Unfortunately, thinking seemed tougher than usual right now. My head felt woozy all of a sudden, and I dropped back onto the bed. "Why am I all exhausted and stuff?"

Christopher spoke up next. "You had to have a portion of your mind sucked up in order to get the tallybonkers out. We put it back, but that kind of mental exertion would wear anyone out."

"Oh," I sighed. That explained the cotton balls. Giving up on brain power and settling into a comfy spot, I gazed up at Xlormp, the alien I would give my left brain for. Probably even my whole brain, if only he would let me. "Makeouts now?" I whispered.

"Makeouts now," Xlormp confirmed, and his juicy flesh was on my lips.

"Ew," Hector said.

"Dang," Christopher sighed.

** ** **

Catch up with the chapters you may have missed somehow!

I've been failing hardcore at replying to comments, and for that I apologize with extra sorry sprinkles on top! I will play catch up this week. Um...I don't really have anything else to say right now!

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